To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

This can’t be real

someone can’t be this unreasonable and genuinely not see it

And will OP be back to update at any point?
Will it really be surprising if she isn't, considering some of these posts?

The poor woman has probably had countless disturbed nights over the past 5 years. Probably been able to have no more than 2 hours sleep in one go over the past three months, plus having given birth. If there is any time to be unreasonable, to be unable to see through the fog of dealing with a newborn and a high needs child, then it is now. Is that emotional blackmail? I don't think so. Maybe the desperation of exhaustion. Yes, OP will cope if her DH goes. Because that is what mums do. Because we have to. She's also entitled to prefer him not to go.

You need to realise that at 65 your mil can decide to have an evening birthday meal. Her plans should not revolve around her grandkids. She may want other people their who can't be their at lunchtime.

You should let your dh go and get help from another family member on your side when he is gone. Yes it hard but it's only for one night. Then you should have a night out with friends at a later date.
For your own sake you need to look into doing bed times different with your child. You and your husband can't put both your evenings on hold to put your child to bed. Your just going to end up hating this situation especially as your other child gets older. Also it's important that you both get an odd night off away from your kids and a rigid bed time routine won't help. As your children get older you need child free time as a couple as well.

It's not easy having an asd child and a small baby. I know couples who during the baby and small child phase had to turn down going to events due to either a lack of a babysitter or because it was just not practical to drop everything and go.

I also know of couples whoes parents were very much its your child and your responsibility. They refused to mind grandkids or minded them as as little as possible.
One lady I know had her last child a few years ago and her mother always had an excuse ready anytime she was asked to babysit. If she baby-sat she wanted it to be over as soon as possible. She never offered to take the kids for a day to give her daughter a break.
Now a few years later her mother is beginning to have health issues and is beginning to need more help with things. The adult children she did very little for she now thinks and expects will drop all for her to help her out. Her daughter and another sibling have decided that they will only help their mother out if and when it suits them as the mother put the other golden children ahead of them always. They told me recently that her golden children can step up to help out and do things for their mother as they are not going to be left to do it all.

Rather than getting annoyed with the lack of help or support from your mil just remember what she did, said or how she treated you. Then in time you can be just to busy when she needs your help.

I feel like I spend 99% of my time on MN urging women to make their feckless men do
more, but I think you’re laying it on a bit thick here.

OP has said ‘bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot’ and that her son needs one of them to sleep with him.

So it sounds like her DP is almost always at hand to deal with one child whilst OP deals with the other.

You’ve somehow turned OP into the only parent in the house.