To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

God people are really being vile, this early on a Monday.

OP hope you're ok 💐

This. It's not about you.

@EarringsandLipstick struggling to see what is vile about @ZekeZeke post

She is entitled to invite people out to dinner for her birthday. You are entitled to say that you can't make it. If your husband chooses to go, that's between you and him.

If lunch would suit you better, why don't you and your DH invite her out for lunch as you can't make her birthday dinner?

Personally I'd be delighted to have an excuse not to go, can't you just count your blessings that you don't have to deal with in-laws and chill out with the remote?

I don’t think MIL should have to change the time of her meal but she should be prepared for you DH not to be able to come if he has to be there to help with bedtime. Sounds stressful x

Vile?
OP asked if she was being unreasonable, I said 100%

I'd be pissed out with eh if he was leaving me on my own with a high needs child and a young baby.
So on his mother’s birthday he shouldn’t be allowed leave the house? If the roles were reversed would you say the same about OP?

It's the emotional blackmail or tantrum dh will get from his family if he doesn't go.
This is also subjective though, if I organised a birthday meal for my mum and had someone saying they couldn’t go because of a bedtime I’d try to talk them out of it. It’s his mother’s birthday, does their family not have a right to have your husband at a big special occasion? When my sons grow up do I forgo the right to see them on my birthday if they get married or have children?

@mummyh2016

Really? 'Stop making it all about you' to the mother of an autistic DS that's being excluded, as is she due to the particular needs of her DC. And as there's no mention of another get-together, he's not being included in any other way - and nor is she.

I think that comment is pretty vile, in terms of utter lack of empathy.

I know 🙄 you aren’t allowed to have a different opinion!

Presumably it’s 60 miles away because that’s where they live.

it’s an early meal, they are probably thinking you could all come, and then the DC could sleep in the car.

Do you really do bedtime together every single night?

That's a great idea.
Offer to take her out for a birthday lunch.

@Badgirlriri

Er, perhaps not 'everyone' - but the child's grandmother who OP says shows limited interest in him.

And autistic with particular needs & routines - I'd absolutely accommodate those for a family member.

You're clearly different.

Could you have the three month old in with you while you get the 5 year old to sleep as a one off? Our eldest was a nightmare sleeper (used to take hours to go off) so I understand it's hard but it sounds like both of you are there 99% of the time so I think for this occasion your husband should go.

There will be other birthday meals you can all go to when your children are older but a 5 year old for an evening meal changes the dynamic massively.

It's nothing to do with your in laws

If you're each not able to put both children to bed when you're on your own then you BOTH have to wait until it's possible

If your DH believes the above too then it's a no-brainer - "we can't go to evening events until the children are able to put themselves to bed"

Then you ignore any other messages, you can't control what they do

@Badgirlriri

A different opinion, sure.

An entire absence of empathy of comprehension, less so.

Do you really do bedtime together every single night?

What's their other option if they don't?

Your DS isn't 'technically excluded' from anything, he just isn't able to attend for reasons outside your MIL's control. It is completely unreasonable to expect an adult to have their one off birthday celebration dictated to because of a childcare situation not of their own, SEN does not change that. Lots of parents have to tag team special events, it's just the way it is when you have young children.

Send DH to the meal, either with the baby or arrange to have someone with you that night to help.

The bigger issue the is the tantrum.

I have small children and nothing would ruin a fancy dinner more than their presence past bedtime. But I don't think it's fair for me to ban my extended family from going out to dinner if that's how they want to celebrate. Not every event needs to be child friendly, I presume most of them are.

I would take issue with them throwing a tantrum if you can't attend. If they've made in inaccessible for whatever reason then they should accept that you can't go.

If DH and your presence was so crucial they should have made it something easy for you to attend.

@ZekeZeke there's nothing wrong with what you said at all - it certainly wasn't vile, don't worry!

I think you're over-thinking this OP. Your MiL would like a meal out in the evening for her birthday. That is normal and not a deliberate exclusion of your son. Maybe he has been/will be wrongly excluded at other times. This is not the time to have that battle.

My children would not- have not- attended in laws evening birthday meals. It's okay- it's not about them and often adults prefer an evening meal without children. Your DH should go, have you a friend who could help you out for the evening?

I would not be annoyed over this and that’s as someone who understands

the reason is

A: she can’t be bothered so I wouldn’t bother
B: I’d be glad not to have to go - it would be a fairly boring night and she doesn’t sound that nice
C: DH can give you a night of in lieu

Sorry but in this case I'd be telling DH to go and I'd stay home with the children, the other way around if it were my parents. It's her birthday so she chooses what she wants to do.

Can your parents babysit so you can both go?