To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

Starting at 6pm is very early, she's chosen this to make it easier for you. I think you are over thinking this. The world doesn't stop for you, kids bedtimes are set in stone - just let him stay up an extra couple of hours for once assuming it's not a school night.

(Yes I do get high needs asd, but we refused to let her dictate our schedules)

My kids dont have SEN but my eldest was challenging when he was young- he was super active, high energy and it was incredibly stressful taking him to restaurants or adult environments because I was constantly reigning him and running after him. I accepted that I would have to miss out on certain events in the evenings because I just wouldnt enjoy them and it would be too stressful. I would not expect people to accommodate that when it was a special occasion for them.

Think it’s a massive shame MIL cares so little for her own grand child she’s excluding them from her birthday celebrations. I too would be pretty upset if my MIL did that.

If it was a more distant relative or friend, I’d probably shrug, sigh, and get on with life. The kid probably gets excluded from enough being SEN, but when his own grandparent exclude/ignores him - that’s pretty mean. I know where my priorities would be in the future.

YANBU
Yes MIL can have her birthday meal at whatever time she likes, however she has a son who has rigid responsibilities in the evenings due to the needs of his family unit
Therefore she needs to accept he may not be able to make it, without guilt trip or complaint. Or if his presence is important to her she should book it for a lunchtime.

As the parent of an autistic teenager I struggle to understand attitudes like your MILs and some of those on here, as my sons doting grandparents have always been happily accommodating and supportive of their grandsons needs. That's what loving grandparents normally do in my experience, and that of experience my SEN parent friends.

@SmallPrawnEnergy yes I absolutely do. I have been in OP's situation. I have a slightly smaller age gap between mine though.

I stand by the fact that it is not sustainable to arrange family life around one child, even with SN. Yes it works when both DC are babies/toddlers but as they get older you absolutely cannot. Right now, OP can leave the baby to cry in another room when she puts her DS to bed. The baby won't remember (probably). But that will not work when the baby is older. It will take effort and it will be hideous for the first few hundred times, but they have to come up with a secondary routine for the times when one parent is not there or they want to go to a family event.

Think it’s a massive shame MIL cares so little for her own grand child she’s excluding them from her birthday celebrations. I too would be pretty upset if my MIL did that.

She's allowed to have one night where she does what she wants to do. When there are small children in the family most get togethers need to be child friendly.

It sounds like the child was invited but the parents have chosen to decline. I probably wouldn't have taken mine to a lunch at that age, it's just not enjoyable for you or the child- especially when it's a 3 course meal and the child is expected to sit for a hour or more listening to boring grown up conversation.

@EarringsandLipstick

Yes autistic children are challenging but you still have choices as to how rigid your allow your lives to become. We were advised by our medical team to avoid establishing very strict routines otherwise we would be stuck with them in fact. I travelled, went out etc with my dd and whilst it wasn't plain sailing I didn't let her autism prevent us from enjoying life. Autism does vary but a lot of the adaptability is down to how you handle them - in our case in restaurants we took pens and paper and played games, you don't get to chat to other people, she needed constant interaction but if with family my mum or brother would sit with her too.

She’s not excluding him is she? You are by refusing to go.

6pm is very early for an evening meal out so I would assume she’s done it at that time to accommodate you. It’s really not an issue surely to eat & put him to sleep in the car on the way back.

Needing two of you for bedtime isn’t practical. You are lucky your dh is home at that time. Mine was never home so early.

Honestly I’d make an exception for a one off birthday meal. And I wouldn’t make a fuss!

There could be 10 other people invited who have tricky situations to meet.
Work during afternoon, care for older people ect.
In your situation think your husband should go you can try manage the two for few hours.
Maybe baby would lie in bed too may end up being helpful as going forward bed time could be a one parent job.
If you can't get babysitter I think it fine you to miss the dinner.

Your MIL isn't unreasonable to have an evening meal. Sometimes children cannot go to things because of the time they are, that shouldn't be a problem. It's just how it is.

Your MIL is unreasonable to sulk about your DH not attending. I appreciate it's a big birthday but she's an adult and should know that sometimes people have priorities that cannot be ignored.

Well yes, it would be horrible of him not to go to his own mothers big birthday celebration.

You are being unfair. A 65 year old woman is perfectly entitled to invite her adult son out for dinner for her birthday, and he should be expected to go.

Sorry I agree with the posters saying she's not excluding him, and that is also the op 'technically excluding him' because its not at the time op would want it to be at.
It is a very difficult time for you OP, newborn and young dc, but for MILs bday, she really is ok saying where and when she wants to celebrate. And those who say other people's celebrations should be planned around their dc, how long for? Forever?

There’s nothing stopping him from going other than you. Lots of us here have autistic children, and have had young babies at the same time. That doesn’t mean you’re chained to the house religiously every night. You and your son aren’t “technically” not invited, you’re deciding not to go and creating an issue where there isn’t one.

It's her birthday meal, she can have it when she wants regardless of fitting in with others or childcare issues. It's part of having children and you just have to accept you miss out on things sometimes, it won't be forever.

Why can't DH go? If you want to go too you get childcare. If that's not possible he goes to his family meal on his own.

I don't agree she should have to make it lunch because you don't want to do bedtime with your two kids.

Does your H want to go celebrate his mum's birthday?

Forgot to say, I know it won't be easy dealing with two children in the evening, but it works both ways - there might be a time you want to go out with friends/family for a drink/meal/cinema in evening and then it's DH's turn.

If you booked a family hotel room would ds sleep in there with you? If so he could go to the meal and expect to be back at a nearby hotel for 7:30, dh could come back to help settle the dc, you sleep in double bed with ds. Dh could pop back to finish off with family and return to sleep in the single bed

AIBU definitely isn’t the place to post this.

Yabu. It's your mil birthday meal so stop making it about your D's. She can choose who she wants at her room. Of course DH goes, it be vvv strange if he doesn't.

Mind you, 6pm is a crap time for adults. It is wayyyy too early for me. I would prefer lunch or a later dinner. Not sure who she is trying to please with that time. She may well have made it that time for you. Your husband and mil need to speak and communicate better.

YABU. If bedtime on your own is difficult, hire a babysitter to help you put the little one down. Your MIL should plan her birthday meal for whenever suits her.

You’re not “technically not invited”. You have explicitly been invited - at a time most would consider incredibly early for an adult dinner. It doesn’t work for you, which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances you’ve outlined. But there’s no need for great drama; just tell her it really doesn’t work for your family, wish her a lovely evening and don’t go. But she is perfectly entitled to have a dinner for her birthday!

Could DH take the baby?

Or get a babysitter to help with the baby leaving you free to put DS to bed?

YABU to expect MIL to revolve her plans around the children.

YABU I'm not considering other options other than Dh not going.

However,

YANBU to expect the family to be have like grown ups and be respectful if you can't make it.

YABU
Her birthday, her choice when and where she holds it

If you all cant go, send DH and you have to cope for 1 night - get a friend over to help if you need.

Your not being excluded, your choosing to be cos you wont even try going and everything must be on your schedule.

Who knows it may be a shit show if you did go but it also may not be. How will you know if you dont try?

“Emotional blackmail and tantrums” is just OP’s words. I expect the truth would be more like a family member expressing some disappointment, which is not unreasonable. Surely most people would express some disappointment if a close family member like a son, could not attend a birthday dinner. You language over this is pretty vile.