To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

[TinkerBeee]

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

Just say it's too late for the children but you'd both love to take her out for a birthday lunch instead.
No drama!

I don’t think OP is coming back

Some people just don't get it. My MIL organised a Xmas Eve meal starting at 7.30 pm when the DC were 3 and 9 months. So the meal would start after our DC's normal bedtime. Our DC we're not flexible types. If they want to bed late, they would still be up at at the same time the following morning but be miserable all day. As the next day was Xmas day, we didn't want that to happen. We tried to get mil to start earlier, she wouldn't. So we went along to keep the peace and by 7.30 had 2 tired crying children we had to take into another room as they were spoiling dinner. In the end we left after my DH lost his rag because of the complaints about how we were handling everything wrong with the DC.

Do you not think they're like that because they're not used to being flexible though? Just an alternative view. I've raised my own family and I've never allowed children's routines to interfere with normal life to such an extent that you can never go out on an evening.

We have always gone out on Christmas Eve for dinner with dhs family with all the kids (12 of them! Both sides of the family) as it’s sil birthday often not arriving home till 10pm. You just deal with it. They are always excited because it’s Christmas & they have such lovely memories of us all tracking FCetc

Now they are all in their 20’s they still Grace us with their presence for dinner & then go straight to the pub!

It’s not that they “don’t get it” they don’t want your young kids there! And frankly fair enough they pretty much ruin adult social evening occasions!

There are SO SO many solutions to this issue. It seems to me the OP & the mil haters would just rather be angry.

Presumably a big family meal needs to take into account multiple families of all ages and situations, though? Maybe she knew that if she'd tried to start earlier, someone else would have had a problem with that.

I would have just stayed home if I had two tiny ones on Christmas Eve.

It’s not that they “don’t get it” they don’t want your young kids there! And frankly fair enough they pretty much ruin adult social evening occasions!,. I don't think that's true. It was a family meal with all DGC expected. There was no reason they could not start earlier, they just didn't want to. We were put in a position where we couldn't win. We'd happily have stayed home, but MIL was insistent we came. But would not change anything to make it easier for us. So we did it their way and ended up with two DC who were crying their eyes out. So we left . There was nothing we could do to solve it.

Stay home - we upset them.
Turn up with the DC who then (as predicted) got over tired and upset. That also upset them.
I offered to take them home and leave DH - that upset them.
The only solution was to start earlier, but they wouldn't.

@ForeverWeBlend what time do you want to eat dinner at though? 4pm?? The MIL in question here has arranged it for 6 which is plenty early enough for most people to eat a big meal.

This thread is a depressing read. I feel for you, op.

HandbagsnGladrags - it's about PILs accepting if they want an evening dinner then they can't expect babies and toddlers to attend. If they want them there, then it had to be a late afternoon event. Parents can't wave a magic wand and turn the DC Into night owls for one evening on demand. You can't negotiate with a 9 month old baby.

It’s not that they “don’t get it” they don’t want your young kids there! And frankly fair enough they pretty much ruin adult social evening occasions!

Heh. That's the underlying truth and everybody knows it. I 'do' get it, and I have a really very difficult and challenging non-verbal and hyperactive child of my own.

But I absolutely love a nice peaceful meal with just adults from time to time - family or friends or a mixture of both. And most especially on a landmark birthday I would not expect to be criticised and lambasted for it.
The thing that's not being taken into account, even within my own family of in-laws, is that the child would probably choose not to be there.

They say of my dd that 'she has as much right to be there as anyone else' Well that may be, but she obviously hates being forced into a large group of people and the noise and hubbub that ensues, and the restriction of her movements and expectation to conform to some sort of order. So she has the right to not be there if she hates it so much. She has no speech but has many and varied ways of communicating her distress at being forced into uncomfortable (to her) situations.
Therefore, I stayed at home with her if the event pertained to dh, and dh stayed at home with her if it was something more connected to me. The alternatives would be for neither of us to ever go anywhere, or start to work on a third person to become familiar enough to be able to take over when required. That's what we eventually did. It works. Btw, I also have a NT child 18 months younger, so I know the pressures of 2 demanding dc at the same time.

OPs baby is only 3 months so she may still be feeling overwhelmed by the pressure, and needing 2 parents to cope. My advice would be to avoid letting this 2 parent thing get set in stone. My dh worked away 3 days a week so I was flung in the deep end really. I had to go into hospital after dc2's birth so then it was his turn. We had no grandparents to help so it forced us to cope alone very quickly. Allowing her dh to go to his mother's 65th birthday celebration, with good grace, would be a good start to coping alone. It's only a few hours. He'd be back the same evening. Obviously he would have to reciprocate and OP should have an evening off too.

I really don't understand why people don't understand that it's sometimes nice to just be with other grown ups and not have to worry about children being around.

So we left . There was nothing we could do to solve it.
Stay home - we upset them.
Turn up with the DC who then (as predicted) got over tired and upset. That also upset them.
I offered to take them home and leave DH - that upset them.
The only solution was to start earlier, but they wouldn't

I think that might be just a peculiarity of your family.
'I'd rather not come, the kids will play up'
or
'The kids are overtired and playing up. I'm taking them home'
would, in the majority of families just result in acceptance of your decision.

Nope uou can't negotiate with a 9 month old baby. But there is no 9 month old baby in this scenario.

Secondly. Three month old babies can sleep in a pram, as millions do & have done since beginning of time.

Thirdly: five year olds can stay up a little later with a tablet/iPad at table as a special treat for grab 65th birthday

Or book a premier inn close by - all go to dinner & at bedtime mum & dad can nip back and put them down & then dad goes back to celebrate with his mum. Op relaxes but it seems some
Would prefer to play the martyr.

6pm is a very early dinner. She's made it early to allow the kids to attend I suspect. You can't organise dinner any earlier!

Have you ever talked to MIL about why she wasn't interacting with your son? I typically avoid interacting with other people's kids if they are in distress/"misbehaving" as I don't want to overstep or exacerbate the situation. That would be even more true if there were SEN because I simply would not know what to do once my usual technique (distraction, which may or may not work with your DS) has failed. If, on the other hand, the parent had told me what to do in the situation, I'd do it. I would never ask (except directly in the moment "is there anything I can do to help you/him?") because I don't want anyone to think I think they are doing a shit job of parenting (and it is so easy to feel like that about one's parenting, especially when there are SEN).

I also thought my in-laws were not especially interested in my children, and found it very hurtful--and it was worse with my DS. It turns out it is nothing to do with my kids, and everything to do with MIL's unresolved trauma about having to give a baby boy up as a teen. Now that my kids aren't babies anymore, my ILs make a real effort with them, which has repaid in spades. I'm so glad I didn't say anything when they were tiny, as they would have missed out on what they have now.

None of this will resolve the birthday dinner issue, and I could be completely wrong and your MIL is just intentionally being a dick about your DS, but I do wonder if changing the frame could help improve relationships.

YABU to blaim your MIL for this and expect her tobmake plans around you. You're talking as if your MIL has purposely made things as awkward as possible, which I very much doubt. Its a special birthday and she'd like her son and his family there. It's an evening meal starting pretty early really. Yes it'll finish beyond your son's usual bedtime but you have choices.
You all go and you leave if your son gets too much to handle. Return to hotel and leave baby with Dad. Your husband could go alone and you could either stay in hotel or at home. Your husband could go alone with baby.

Whilst I sympathise with you I don't think it's realistic to expect everyone else to accommodate you. It must be tough but sometimes taking turns is the only way to get some relief.

Going forward do you have general plans for how you're going to juggle things so both children get what they need. Do you get respite care? Or are you hoping some of yourcsons issues will improve. Needing 2 people to do bedtimes sounds untenable long term if the only 2 people are you and your husband. Try supporting to go to the dinner and see what the worst case scenario is?

This!! No big deal, move on

I think MIL may have thought she is taking the children into account. 6pm is quite an early booking for a grown-up evening meal out; I'd expect it normally to be about 7 30pm.

I was a lone parent and both dc have additional needs. I managed just as thousands of others do by myself.

Its simply not practical to expect 2 parents every night.

I say this gently OP, its her birthday and she can choose to celebrate it aa she wishes.

Sounds like he's getting the same from you if he does go

There are two separate issues here - your MIL's request, and your husband's response.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the situation overall, just maybe the arrangements.

Firstly, your MIL is absolutely within her right to have the birthday celebration that she wants. No one should have to arrange their lives around someone else's children, not even grandparents. I'm sorry if that excludes you - it wouldn't fly in my family because being together trumps everything else, but I know that is unusual (and we're Mediterranean where children are just thrown into the mix and left to fend for themselves , which probably wouldn't work for you anyway!).

However, if your MIL is going to be a brat about your husband choosing to stay with his very small baby and high needs child to support his wife, then that is highly unreasonable. She knows the situation, and she's asking him to put her first because it's a 'landmark' birthday (it isn't. 65 is not a landmark anymore than 66 or 42 is).

Your DH needs to be the strong one here. He has to disappoint someone, which is a horrible predicament for him, but ultimately he is responsible for his children, not his mother.

Is he in agreement with you and is only going to keep the peace, or is he desperate to go? If it's the latter, then he needs to find another way to support you i.e hire a babysitter to assist with baby while you take care of your older child, or have you all stay near the meal so he can leave and help you out if needed. If it's the former (he doesn't want to go but feels obliged and didn't want an argument) then he needs to brace himself and have a hard conversation with his mother.

Anyone commenting on how you should suddenly force flexibility on your children out of nowhere is totally bonkers. It doesn't work like that. You can take steps to increase flexibility bit by bit, but I don't know if you have time for that before the meal.

Ultimately, talk with your husband, agree what you both want, and let him solve this problem. It's his mother. He should come up with the solution.

YABVVU and I say that as a parent to a child with ASD. Yes there's inclusion but you have to remember that sometimes other people will need to come first on certain occasions

I do wonder which side the emotional blackmail for DH will come from

And will OP be back to update at any point?