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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed ds is technically not invited to Mil's birthday meal

329 replies

TinkerBeee · 23/01/2023 06:58

Our son is 5 years old and autistic. He is quite high needs. He has behaviour issues and a language delay. He still won't sleep on his own and will wake up shouting for you in the night if you are not there. To get to sleep you have to lay next to him. We also have a 3 month old. So bedtime is a 2 man job really as one needs to sleep in room with our son and the other in another room with the baby in the cot. If you needed to bring the baby to feed or comfort to the bedroom with our son he would most likely have a meltdown.
Mil has a 65th birthday coming up and has invited family to a restaurant. They are expecting dh to go and there will be emotional blackmail or a tantrum from dhs family if he doesn't. Its 60 miles away and it starts at 6pm. That means technically our son is not invited as his bedtime is 7.30pm as there is no way they could travel there and have food and be back anywhere close to his bedtime. It also means technically I am not invited as I would need to look after both dc.
AIBU to be annoyed my son and myself are excluded and to think if you expect your adult children to go to a restaurant for a meal for your birthday you make it lunchtime to fit around childcare needs especially when it's a special needs child. This was the same for father in laws 75th birthday a year ago, where our son was technically excluded because it was past his bedtime and I stayed home to look after our son.
Also Ds would behave in a restaurant if it was before his bedtime as he behaviour outside has massively improved in the last 2 years. Mil has never been that interested in ds and has only started interacting with him more when she sees him since his behaviour has improved.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/01/2023 07:22

Are other grandchildren going? I would assume they would do a lunch if more geared to have young children attending.

mummyh2016 · 23/01/2023 07:22

@EarringsandLipstick FFS. She's not been called any names has she? Are you new on here? She's posted on AIBU, if you class someone saying it's not about you as vile maybe this isn't the place for you.
No one should have to plan a birthday meal around other people. A lot of people can't do lunchtime meets due to work, looking after grandchildren, that sort of thing. Not only that but I wouldn't want what is probably a 'special' meal out at lunchtime to accommodate one person, especially if this meant another 10 people couldn't make it.
I agree with another poster and there must be more to this however the OP hasn't told us what the actual issue is so we can't comment on more than what she's put.
OP is more than welcome to arrange taking MIL out for lunch on another day but I doubt she will.

ClockingTime · 23/01/2023 07:22

I second what others have said about you can't expect others to dance to your kids tune.
Your DH should go to his mum's birthday meal and alone.
It's a one off, not a weekly occurrence.

RayaRyder · 23/01/2023 07:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ohdizzy · 23/01/2023 07:23

YABU. It's her own decision how to celebrate her birthday and if you can't go, you can't go. She shouldn't have to arrange it to suit your needs.

BendingSpoons · 23/01/2023 07:23

EarringsandLipstick · 23/01/2023 07:18

Do you really do bedtime together every single night?

What's their other option if they don't?

Plus the baby is only 3m, so this has only been since October.

MrsMikeDrop · 23/01/2023 07:23

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2023 07:02

It’s her choice but then it’s equally your choice to go or not go to the dinner; I don’t think she should have to make it lunch just to accommodate you tbh.

Sorry OP, I agree. She should be able to do what she wants for her birthday

SD1978 · 23/01/2023 07:25

Can you get a hotel nearby? Obviously there is more leasing you to feel this way, but an adult woman wanting an evening meal for her birthday doesn't scream that she's deliberately excluding you.

dovelove · 23/01/2023 07:25

On my big birthday I had a meal on the evening. I'd have liked all my dc there but one has a child who's ASD. So I sorted something else for us to do together a couple of days after. Do you think mil would be up for coming to you for dinner or something during the day the weekend after?.

I'd never expect my grandchild to have to come to a busy meal on the evening and throw his routine out. Takes weeks to get them back settled.

LaLuz7 · 23/01/2023 07:26

PathOfLeastResitance · 23/01/2023 07:05

I think it’s her birthday and she can choose when she has her birthday meal. why should this revolve around your children?

This. Not everything can or will revolve around your son's needs. Don't take it personally.

Tricolette · 23/01/2023 07:26

I would go and let dh stay at home citing that dh thought you needed a break.
This would royally piss off your in-laws but in future your mil might find ways to include your ds.

Yawningalldaylong · 23/01/2023 07:27

I get it op. In an ideal world your MIL would have considered all her family, maybe a lovely party at home with her family around her. However she didn't, and that's her choice as well. One night without your husband will be hard but you'll manage it. Work out how you can keep your baby safe whilst getting your son to bed. Even if there's no intent from your

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2023 07:27

He needs to say no and ignore the tantrums on this occasion if this is an ongoing issue it will never be resolved without taking a stand

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 23/01/2023 07:28

I think that you can choose to celebrate your 65th however you want. Ditto your 75th. It's not about you, or indeed the grandkids.

Yawningalldaylong · 23/01/2023 07:28

Sorry didn't finish, it may not be your families intent but you will at times feel isolated.

LizziesTwin · 23/01/2023 07:28

My MIL was the same but she was originally going to have a birthday lunch, which we could have gone to & then switched it to a Sunday night 40 miles away from us. Our children were the youngest & lived furthest away. DH went but we didn’t. Another big birthday I hosted a big dinner for her with all the family and she thanked her daughter for organising it. It was in my house & I had cooked & cleaned. You can’t even do something nice for someone & be thanked.

Yummymummy2020 · 23/01/2023 07:29

sadly op many, all though not all of course people who have not got a child with additional needs to the same extent as yours likely won’t understand the necessity of routine to most if not all kids with autism.
and honestly, it’s too much for you to have to manage on your own at bedtime. If dh wishes to go, fair enough but provisions must be made to enable you to stick to the routine. That might be him taking the baby as suggested above or you getting extra help for that evening but really it would need to be over night help in case both kids wake at the same time because from what you have described you would need to split yourself in two to manage!!!!

thewinterwitch · 23/01/2023 07:29

It's her 65th birthday. She's allowed to celebrate it peacefully in a restaurant, with whoever she wants to invite.

Snowneep · 23/01/2023 07:29

YANBU and people without SEN children will never understand.

Your MIL is certainly allowed to do whatever she likes for her birthday but she is disgusting to emotionally blackmail an adult who has decided to put his children first. She needs to accept that by doing exactly what she wants means not everyone can attend. She sounds horrible.

Itsokay2020 · 23/01/2023 07:31

OP, in your situation I would insist that DH went to the meal and I would ask my parents or a close friend to help me with the bedtime routine at home. You cannot let this situation with your DC dictate life to this extent for years to come. There has to be a compromise or I suspect that resentment will creep in. You will both need a break from time to time!

FarFromObvious · 23/01/2023 07:31

Evening events with young kids can be tough regardless of special needs. Is it just family coming? If she wanted only close family and young grandchildren she should have done it in the day. If it’s a big party and lots of people then evening is better for most adults.

It is a shame but don’t take it personally. Just see it as an event that you can’t attend because you have young kids. By framing it as she has ‘technically not invited you and your son’, you are making this vindictive and unpleasant and you will simmer with resentment. She has invited you both; it just doesn’t work for you this year, that’s all.

thewinterwitch · 23/01/2023 07:32

I think most people can understand not wanting a 5 year old at a restaurant for a birthday dinner, SEN or otherwise.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 23/01/2023 07:32

I have a severely Sen child and think yabu.

It's not about you or your kid. It's her birthday. Just let your husband go ffs it's his mum's birthday. Why create tension?

DouglasTea · 23/01/2023 07:32

Why would he not go though? He's her son, she'd like him there.
You're married, not fused together.

YABU

Remona · 23/01/2023 07:33

Of course they’re not going to make plans around your children’s bedtimes and you’re BU to expect them to.

And whilst I do understand that for that one evening it’s going to be tough for you, of course they will expect your DH to be there - it’s his mother! It’s just one evening. Imagine if it was your mum, you’d quite rightly want to go.

You’re rather unfairly blaming your DH’s family for this. They are not excluding your DS but are doing what an adult quite understandably wants to do for a celebration - to go out for an evening meal.

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