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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
Delilah73 · 22/01/2023 03:49

He sounds quite unkind to me. Quite odd behaviour for sure. Controlling? Probably.

RedRobin100 · 22/01/2023 03:52

I don’t think you really need the heating on overnight unless you have a baby.
you wouldn’t have noticed it was cooler if you hadn’t got out of bed.

and I wouldn’t class 15 degrees as really cold air! Surely your asthma isn’t triggered at 15 degrees? That’s a “good day” in the UK!

id be annoyed if heating was on overnight also - it’s wasteful.

pelargoniums · 22/01/2023 03:52

It’s quite unkind and a bit bonkers but on the other hand heating doesn’t need to be on overnight. 15 sounds pretty normal for overnight.

Original poster
UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:54

Well it was 15 in that one room. Downstairs is open plan and feels alot colder than DP bedroom

OP posts:
Grotbag81 · 22/01/2023 03:55

It's obviously going to be colder downstairs too. It's stingy & selfish, even in the current financial climate one night wouldn't of killed him.

I think this shows you a lot about your place in the hierarchy of his priorities and he's putting himself and his own first rather than seeing it as a unit.

Actions always speak louder than words imo.

WandaWonder · 22/01/2023 03:55

Heating should not be on all the time and not at night, but I guess his behaviour could be odd

ShirleyPhallus · 22/01/2023 03:56

What a tight bastard

15 degrees isn’t that cold though! Not enough to trigger asthma either surely

Coyoacan · 22/01/2023 03:57

I'm in Mexico City where we don't have any heating and it is a warm night at 16 degrees. Still your communication as a couple doesn't sound good

Original poster
UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 04:01

ShirleyPhallus · 22/01/2023 03:56

What a tight bastard

15 degrees isn’t that cold though! Not enough to trigger asthma either surely

As I said it feels colder downstairs and it's hurting my chest to breathe in the cold air.
I wouldn't normally make a fuss but it's hurting my chest

OP posts:
Aprilx · 22/01/2023 04:02

I didn’t know you could pull a thermostat off the wall and move it around the house like that.

But it is night time, it isn’t normal to have heating on at night, you get a thicker duvet.

theGooHasGone · 22/01/2023 04:03

It's very weird. I guess he sees it as wasteful to have the heating on at night, or he likes it cold. Leaving it on for one night won't kill him though.

Grotbag81 · 22/01/2023 04:04

I mean if that was me, I I couldn't blast the heating I would make sure a guest had ample blankets or sheets to keep warm. It's basic manners.

I used to stay on a farm with my aunt who was of a hippy vibe big farm, no central heating and slept under towels, coats & rather dodgily/ possibly quite stoned knitted blankets, very clean though &cuddled up to a small bald dog. Being from a council estate it was out there for me but she made me warm & comfy in her own way. I loved being there scruffy as it was.

Original poster
UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 04:10

I mean I was still cold after being under a duvet but the issue is more breathing in the cold air.
Perhaps some people wouldn't mind it being 15, however when you tell your DP it's hurting to breathe and they do a small laugh and sneer. Put the heating on but then put it under the quilt when you leave the room so the heating stops its all a bit mean I feel

OP posts:
HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 22/01/2023 04:14

Who on earth has heating on overnight?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

theGooHasGone · 22/01/2023 04:25

I'm pretty sure that all the science around getting good sleep suggests that you sleep better when it's colder in the room and warmer in the bed. Most people would just use a thicker duvet for warmth and leave the heating off because it's expensive and pointless to run it when you're already in a warm bed. Put a robe on if you get up and it's cold!

Shouldbesleeping1 · 22/01/2023 04:28

Why do you need the heating on at night? And does it matter that it's cooler downstairs when you're supposed to be tucked up in bed? 15 sounds about right for a good night sleep to me (...I also have asthma).

converseandjeans · 22/01/2023 04:30

We never have the heating on at night & thermostat is set at 14 degrees at night.

I don't think it's great DD & you have to camp out downstairs though. Do you think DD enjoys going over and having to sleep in a cold lounge?

I think with current heating costs YABU to expect the heating to be on overnight.

MiddleParking · 22/01/2023 04:37

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

Yeah that’s weird.

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 04:41

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 04:10

I mean I was still cold after being under a duvet but the issue is more breathing in the cold air.
Perhaps some people wouldn't mind it being 15, however when you tell your DP it's hurting to breathe and they do a small laugh and sneer. Put the heating on but then put it under the quilt when you leave the room so the heating stops its all a bit mean I feel

Well I would think somebody that says they can’t breath because it is 15 degrees is exaggerating somewhat. I mean what do you do outside? It is often below 15 degrees here in the UK. (And I do have asthma, as does DH).

Roundtoedshoes · 22/01/2023 04:41

I think people are missing the point here. It’s wrong of the partner to take the thermostat away (& weird - no idea how that is even a thing/possible). I agree FWIW re heating overnight - we never do, but that’s my preference and what others do to feel comfortable is up to them.

He clearly thought you were going to put the heating on at night and tried to prevent this sneakily, then further acted badly by doing the duvet thing (again, so odd you can even do that!) Being too hot is awful - I get that, but you are not only his partner, you are a guest in his home with a health condition as well. You need to speak during waking hours and come to an agreement - he’s behaved badly.

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 04:44

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

Yes that is the exact opposite of what most people in the UK would do. In winter the sun coming up does not heat our houses. It is normal to have the heating off overnight, set it to come on say an hour before getting up, go off again during the day (when people are out / at work) and then come on again in the evening before off again at bedtime.

greenspaces4peace · 22/01/2023 04:49

I’ve never ever heard of any Canadian house not having heating at night and certainly not less than 18C.

lailamaria · 22/01/2023 04:51

people are missing the point, your partner took the thermostat and hid it that's not on plus it doesn't matter whether it would trigger your asthma the point is it was triggering op's asthma

Nandocushion · 22/01/2023 04:52

greenspaces4peace · 22/01/2023 04:49

I’ve never ever heard of any Canadian house not having heating at night and certainly not less than 18C.

All the Canadian houses in my family and friends turn heat down to only come on if it reaches 14 or 15C. We like cooler rooms and warm blankets.

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