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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 22/01/2023 04:52

www.cse.org.uk/advice/advice-and-support/heat-and-health
even this UK web site suggests 18C

2013isback · 22/01/2023 04:55

I think the game playing and being dishonest about the situation is a bad sign from him. If he actually removed the thermostat from the wall, it sounds like he planned ahead knowing you'd be cold and isn't concerned about your comfort or willing to discuss and compromise.

MichelleScarn · 22/01/2023 04:57

What were you wearing to sleep in?

Mrstwiddle · 22/01/2023 04:59

Honestly, irregardless of whether the temperature needs to be above 15 at night I would absolutely dump him for being a pathetic tight-wad, he really sounds very unpleasant.

amylou8 · 22/01/2023 05:33

15 is warm ! My house gets down to 8 overnight. Put an extra layer on if you're cold. I'd be hiding the thermostat from you as well if you were intent on keeping my house at 20.

Eviebeans · 22/01/2023 05:45

In our house (especially in v cold weather like this) we heat the bedroom before bed time but heating off overnight (can’t sleep properly in a stuffy room). We do have super warm and cosy bedding though.
aside from the heating issue I’m interested that the op and her child are sleeping downstairs (where ime it’s always colder overnight) because otherwise the children will talk etc (ie enjoy the fun of a sleep over) and not sleep. I wonder whose birthday it’s going to be and how it will be celebrated cos so far it sounds like a real buzz kill.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 22/01/2023 05:45

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 22/01/2023 04:14

Who on earth has heating on overnight?

Many people do with chronic health conditions.

We have to have ours on for our severely disabled Son.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2023 05:55

Dd is asthmatic she struggles overnight in a cold living room I can currently hear her snoring like a trouper its cold DAMP air hitting her lungs

emptythelitterbox · 22/01/2023 06:00

Yes, it's controlling and childish to hide it like that.

15 isn't cold.

NEmama · 22/01/2023 06:01

Yabu you shouldnt have it on overnight

Zanatdy · 22/01/2023 06:09

You don’t need heating on overnight. Yes it will be cold if you get out of bed but get back in. My heating goes off at 8pm, not back on until 5am, not matter how cold it gets. It was 13 something the other day when I got up. My bill last month was £430, I don’t blame him for being cautious with it. Do you have heating on overnight at home? I’d assume most don’t, all my family & friends have theirs off overnight too.

EveSix · 22/01/2023 06:13

This thread is so frustrating.
Take OP's word for it: she is experiencing discomfort while breathing and believes the temperature in the downstairs part of the house, where she is allocated to sleep, is a contributing factor.
OP, your DP is displaying the kind of premeditated unilateral decision-making often seen in controlling partners. Several posters are surprised it is even possible to detach a thermostat and move it around for purposes of controlling the sensor -that's because it isn't something most people would think of doing. But when the impulse to control a situation, whether anticipated by the controlling partner, or arising in the moment, is strong, it overrides what most people would consider reasonable or worth the bother. I have come across 'fixes' and restrictions to appliances and devices (including outright sabotage) as well as ingenious attempts at surveillance or monitoring the use thereof, put in place by controlling partners without a second thought as to the infringement of autonomy, humiliation and distress experienced by the controlled partner.

OP, please remember this incident because it shows you who he is. Do you know anyone else who might have behaved like this -your best friend, your brother, your mum? Probably not. Because it is not kind or caring, and are not the actions of someone with your best interests at heart.
Watch carefully in the morning. Will any of the following happen:
-an attempt at a 'business as usual' approach: "We shouldn't let last night get in the way of this special birthday, let's just forget about it."
-cold-shouldering you and subtly making you feel you are responsible for any awkwardness
-love bombing you
All coercive strategies to put you in your place.
Best of luck, OP.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 22/01/2023 06:19

The thing is, it's his house. So no matter what you (or anyone else) thinks, it's up to him.
The only choice you have is to not stay over. (And consider if he actually is a "D" P if he's a stingy uncaring twat of course!)

MrsNeilGaiman · 22/01/2023 06:20

greenspaces4peace · 22/01/2023 04:49

I’ve never ever heard of any Canadian house not having heating at night and certainly not less than 18C.

Ours is off at night and we're in Canada. Admittedly West coast but it's still under 18 at night.

I mean I get it if you live in Nunavut but not if it's Spring or Fall and around 15 degrees. I assume you're in Alberta and just burning heat for fun. Grin

lifeinthehills · 22/01/2023 06:23

We have ours at 17 overnight.

PassAnotherJumper · 22/01/2023 06:25

He sounds like a twat.

What massive man baby sneaks around hiding thermostats rather than have a bloody conversation?

YukoandHiro · 22/01/2023 06:30

Can people stop quibbling about the heating and engage right the fact that her husband is gaslighting and controlling
.
If he's concerned they can't afford to put the heating on he should TALK to her a about that not hide the thermostat or game the temp it's reading

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2023 06:31

YukoandHiro · 22/01/2023 06:30

Can people stop quibbling about the heating and engage right the fact that her husband is gaslighting and controlling
.
If he's concerned they can't afford to put the heating on he should TALK to her a about that not hide the thermostat or game the temp it's reading

It's not her husband. It's her partner that she doesn't live with.

He was a twat, absolutely. But I wouldn't want the heat on high in my house at night. I can't sleep and it makes me feel ill.

lifeinthehills · 22/01/2023 06:35

If you both can't agree on the temperature, I suggest you meet halfway. He wants 15 and you want 20, for example? Set it to 17.5.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/01/2023 06:36

Had you discussed temperatures before you went to bed? Taking the thermostat suggests he knew the temperature was going to be an issue/increased in the night.

The whole setup sounds a bit weird tbh, the sleeping downstairs and taking children with you. Do you have a proper bed and blankets? It doesn’t sound much of a relationship. Maybe I’m reading it wrong.

FWIW our heating isn’t on at night.

FourTeaFallOut · 22/01/2023 06:37

Posters falling over themselves to say how cold their rooms are overnight are clearly idiots.

The op is saying that the cold room is a trigger for her asthma. Not all asthmatics have the same triggers - any asthmatic who doesn't know that is an idiot.

For some asthmatics, the trigger can be the change in temperature, for others it may be the decrease in humidity that comes with colder indoor air, for others it might be the temperature . Assuming that you know better and that an asthmatic is over-reacting to a trigger or exaggerating their symptoms makes you an idiot, just like op's partner.

Op, you have tethered yourself to an unkind, underhand idiot who ignores your judgement about your asthma and who is a liability. YANBU. I'd be done.

Pinkywoo · 22/01/2023 06:59

OP could have 17 pairs of pyjamas and 37 duvets on, it doesn't change the temperature of the air hitting her lungs. Her DP was being a selfish twat, if he didn't want it hot in his bedroom he should have just turned down the radiator.

(Excellent name EveSix, I now have open road song stuck in my head!)

Bottlesofhot · 22/01/2023 07:03

Why are you with someone who is so unkind?

DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 07:05

It's not about the actual temperature. Honestly OP, competitive underheating is rife on here at the moment - you'd have been better off leaving the temps out of the post. 😁

The point is the DP taking the thermostat and hiding it. Like what the actual fuck. Does he leave an honesty box for teabags? You're a houseguest!

6ft1minimum · 22/01/2023 07:11

It costs a fortune to have the heating on overnight when you are kept warm by covers. Maybe invest in a hot water bottle OP. Your not the one paying for heating.