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Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
Gymtok · 23/01/2023 09:41

deeperthanallroses · 23/01/2023 09:38

That rules out most of the world so obviously most people don’t work that way. I for example am in Australia and good luck to you ever sleeping again outside of May to September. I remember our heating being broken years ago when I rented and it was 14 inside; the lady at the agency wasn’t doing anything and I was so angry. Fortunately I knew the owner and they immediately properly told her off and they sent someone to fix it, as they are legally required to do. 15 is cold by many many peoples standards and the op has explained clearly how it actually harms her health, so where do you get off telling her to just deal with it??

Show quote history

Please show me where I said for her to just deal with it.

sillysmiles · 23/01/2023 11:41

UnbelievableJeff1 · 23/01/2023 06:57

Again the temp is irrelevant. As we can all agree we get on better with diff temps at night.

The issue is hiding the thermostat, then somehow it went from 15 to 20 degrees in the space of 5 mins, the laugh sneer at my discomfort.

As mentioned DP has never taken the thermostat up to bed before.

Regardless of what anyone on here says about temperature - his behaviour in the moment was a problem and not something you are happy about.

Now you need to decide what you are going to do about it.

sillysmiles · 23/01/2023 11:45

@Gymtok But the temperature is relevant. There's no way I could have my house over 15 degrees (espically at night) and maybe he's the same. So you think your preference should override his and he thinks his should override yours.

But surely it is a matter of how he behaved. As an adult, he could have said, actually I'm finding it really warm. Or he could possibly have turned on the heating in her part of the house for an hour and not his. There are many thing he could have done, rather than agreeing, and tricking the system into turning off and then sneering at her. He could have talked!

TheMatriarchy · 23/01/2023 11:46

Sneaky and nasty, I would not want someone who behaved like that towards me and my child to be part of our lives, and certainly not a 'partner'.

deeperthanallroses · 23/01/2023 11:56

@Gymtok I was really replying to @Nimbostratus100 sorry! Just deal with it seems a fair paraphrase of this: I can only imagine some people have somehow used heating to such excess that they have somehow acclimatised themselves to a silly high temperature, and tbh, I can only recommend you acclimatise yourselves out again,

Aenie · 23/01/2023 12:11

I do think that 15 is too cold.for asthma. No matter how warmly you are tucked in you will have to breathe cold air and cold air isn't great for your airways. My Ds is currently wheezing so I've read up a bit around this.

Does he understand that this is a medical.issue for you? If he does and still doesn't care (and won't let you pay for.it) then I'd find that very worrying.

Aenie · 23/01/2023 12:14

StatisticallyChallenged · 23/01/2023 08:00

He has the person with asthma, who he knows experiences pain when it is too cold indoors, sleeping downstairs in the coldest part of the house.

He actively removes the thermostat to stop her managing her pain.

Then when she is awake in discomfort in the middle of the night and she asks for heating to ease it, he still messes with it to stop her being comfortable.

He can, according to OP, afford to run the heating.

This is not the behaviour of a nice person. Yes, plenty of people can't afford to heat their homes adequately right now but that doesn't mean we should pretend cold homes are ok. He might be comfortable cooler, as some people are, but she has a medical condition that means she is not.

In a nutshell...

LanternGhost · 23/01/2023 12:15

Yes he's being horrible. Sorry if I missed this, do you live with him?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/01/2023 15:13

@Nimbostratus100 of course putting the sensor under the duvet will warm it up. If the thermostat thinks it's 20 degrees it will knock if the heat. It's gone from 15 to 20 in the space of 5 mins - how else does it do that without being put somewhere warm.

Original poster
UnbelievableJeff1 · 23/01/2023 18:30

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/01/2023 15:13

@Nimbostratus100 of course putting the sensor under the duvet will warm it up. If the thermostat thinks it's 20 degrees it will knock if the heat. It's gone from 15 to 20 in the space of 5 mins - how else does it do that without being put somewhere warm.

Exactly it was obviously artificially heated. Which I think is the worst part of it

OP posts:
junglistmassive · 23/01/2023 18:32

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 22/01/2023 04:14

Who on earth has heating on overnight?

I do

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2023 22:05

Well I don’t have the heating on at night in my house. Even though I’m in a loft extension where it’s pretty cold (kids on much warmer first floor). I have an electric blanket.

I actually prefer a cool room (though at the moment it’s below my preferred temperature) and a nice bed.

However it is very weird and stingy for him to take the thermostat upstairs like that! Really weird. Especially the bit about him putting it under the covers to warm it up, so that the heating went off.

If I was him and I’d felt uncomfortably hot at other times I might have chatted to you about it but another solution might have been to change around sleeping arrangements etc. So that he was the one downstairs and you and Dd upstairs.

I certainly wouldn’t leave you to suffer with your asthma.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/01/2023 00:29

UnbelievableJeff1 · 23/01/2023 18:30

Exactly it was obviously artificially heated. Which I think is the worst part of it

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Are you going to continue the relationship and putting up with this behaviour?

KettrickenSmiled · 24/01/2023 00:42

Erm he does like things his way I guess and gets moody if it's not his way. As he's told me he has his mum wrapped around his finger but it's annoying that I'm not wrapped around his, so he says.

The moody, selfish bully has told you who he is.
Somebody who believes women exist to serve him.

Why are you still with him?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 24/01/2023 00:46

Is this his way of showing his displeasure at you being downstairs with your child rather than in his bed?

very controlling. I would be leaving in the morning. Birthday or no birthday.

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