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Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 22/01/2023 08:01

I wouldn't be sleeping with it being 15. And some people don't seem to realise that 15 in the house feels colder than 15 on a sunny day.
He's a tight, miserable, controlling bastard. Very strange behaviour. Be on the look out for other red flags.

Snarf23 · 22/01/2023 08:02

Oh @UnbelievableJeff1 yeah I agree his behaviour is not on. If you are cold you have right to put a short burst of heating heating on in the house night time or not. Hiring the thermostat is weird behaviour. If he is worried about cost he should speak to you. Sneering/laughing as you think he may have done is not great really.

SallyWD · 22/01/2023 08:03

15 degrees isn't that cold. Our temperature drops to lower than 15 at night and its fine. In the day we put it up to 16, when the sun goes down we put it up to 18 for a few hours.
But I agree everyone has different preferences and your husband shouldn't be in complete control. There needs to be compromise.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 22/01/2023 08:04

You sound dramatic (it hurts to breathe at 15c? That’s the temp on a good day in the U.K.). My asthma gets triggered by cold air, eg when it’s around 0, but anyway, if my partner said they were in pain, or even just cold, I’d switch the heating on for them.

he sounds mean and weird

the whole thing sounds awful tbh

we never have heating on at night

FourTeaFallOut · 22/01/2023 08:06

I can't work out why they are banging on about it.

Because they can't help it. They see the words 'overnight heating' and the competitive under-heaters have the same Pavlovian response as the competitive under-eaters on this board.The lack of relevance is entirely secondary to their compulsion to broadcast their self restraint.

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2023 08:07

Snarf23 · 22/01/2023 07:58

I’ve never had heating on at night. I’m not dead. It can be advised but they aren’t paying a high bill for doing so!

We only heat to 17.5 for a few hours a day anyway it’s fine. No health conditions and no stuffy house.

If you've got no health conditions, what relevance is it what temperature you have your house, or at all?
I'm trying to work out the reasoning behind some posts. The OP has asthma, it's triggered by cold air, she's willing to pay for the heating, but her boyfriend deliberately took the thermostat and made it give a false reading. Then laughed when the OP said that she was finding it difficult to breathe. OP has he been like this before when he thinks that you wouldn't up and leave (because your DD is with you? I wouldn't stay with someone who would put my health at risk. Asthma can be deadly.

Karwomannghia · 22/01/2023 08:10

@Ponoka7 well said

sorrynotathome · 22/01/2023 08:10

If OP’s asthma were really triggered at 15 degrees, she would not be able to go outside for at least 75% of the year.

Karwomannghia · 22/01/2023 08:12

Don’t know where you are but it is freezing at night here. The ice didn’t melt all day yesterday. It might read 15 but it can feel a lot colder, especially downstairs.

Quartz2208 · 22/01/2023 08:13

Yep new boilers don’t have a thermostat connected to the wall and most work on temperature rather than time.

so rather than picking times to have it on you pick a temperature at which if it drops to the heating is on and then the temperature to which it goes up too before it goes off to keep your house in a decent range

Treacletoots · 22/01/2023 08:18

I think people here are being deliberately obtuse OP.

  1. He doesn't care that his actions are causing you physical harm
  1. He laughed at you when you told him again that you were struggling with a health issue
  1. He took action to deliberately mislead you after you asked him to turn it up.

That's the reality. He doesn't care about you as much as he does his own bank balance. I'd be telling him where to shove his thermostat and dumping his ass. He won't change.

pointythings · 22/01/2023 08:22

It's controlling behaviour, but having the heating on overnight is wasteful and 15C isn't that cold. I came down this morning (before the heating kicked in) and the living room was down to 13C - my thermostat is set fo 17.5 during the day.

Badsox · 22/01/2023 08:24

It is not your house, he pays the bills so he can heat it or not, as he chooses. However, you asked him to adjust it and he refused. Personally I would go home and sleep in my own house, heated to a temperature that was comfortable for me. Sod his birthday. Why make extra effort for someone who won't make any for you.

Sparkletastic · 22/01/2023 08:24

As a minimum I'd never stay at their house overnight again. You'd be perfectly entitled to end the relationship over this type of behaviour. I would.

DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 08:27

Bit confused by the whole app vs thermostat comment. You'd take it with you if you were wanting to heat a particular spot because the sensor is in the thermostat, not just to have the buttons with you. Hence the OP's post about the use of the duvet to warm it up.

GoodChat · 22/01/2023 08:27

sorrynotathome · 22/01/2023 08:10

If OP’s asthma were really triggered at 15 degrees, she would not be able to go outside for at least 75% of the year.

Sleeping in a certain temperature and going about daily activities at the same temperature are very different.

KillingLoneliness · 22/01/2023 08:29

We don’t have the heating on at night but I do have to agree with you that 15 is freezing! Especially in open plan/larger spaces, I need my house to be a min of 19/20.
Your DP sounds very odd and very tight!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2023 08:29

Are you certain your want to be with this man? He sounds vile.

DaveyJonesLocker · 22/01/2023 08:33

Our thermostat is set at 14 day and night.

But it's not really about temperature, he's hidden the thermostat so you wouldn't be able to turn it up if you got cold. Then he's tricked the thermostat so that you would stay cold. Rather than just talking. He's lied and hid things.
Now I would genuinely LTB because I've been there, done that with a lying controlling manipulator and it's not a one time thing. It's who they are and what they do and 10 years later you realise you don't even have opinions of your own anymore.

He thought to himself "she might get cold down here and need to put the heating on, but I'll be warm, so I don't want the heating on.... better hide the thermostat so she can't."

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 22/01/2023 08:34

@UnbelievableJeff1

only you know how he usually treats you, so only you can decide whether it's time to review the relationship.

if you are going to continue this relationship there are things you need to sort out, like the kids. Why shouldn't they enjoy it too? Depending on their ages - you need to find a way to control the time they stay up chatting. If they're very young, tell them they can stay up until midnight, but no chatting afterwards, then at 9, tell them it's midnight! If they're too old for that, just give them an actual time that chatting stops!

but last night, why didn't you just get into bed with DP when you went up there. Dd was asleep downstairs.

Tricolette · 22/01/2023 08:35

Personally it would be the sneakiness that would annoy me.
15c is warm enough for night imo, but I’m not you.
Hes not a very kind host.
Next time tell him to sleep downstairs.

Swiftswatch · 22/01/2023 08:37

I’ve never known anyone to put their heating on at 3am when it’s 15 degrees.
I would probably roll my eyes at my partner if he was claiming it hurt to breathe at 15 degrees!
Sounds like the whole dynamic is off though. Where do you sleep downstairs? Does your DD appreciate being dragged from her own house to sleep in your boyfriend’s living room?

CorsicaDreaming · 22/01/2023 08:40

Ask him to stay in his room where it's warmer if you stay over again - and he can sleep in the colder downstairs space.

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 08:46

Is the thermostat portable? Otherwise how did he manage to stretch the wires to the bedroom when he took it off the wall?

Soontobe60 · 22/01/2023 08:46

Roundtoedshoes · 22/01/2023 04:41

I think people are missing the point here. It’s wrong of the partner to take the thermostat away (& weird - no idea how that is even a thing/possible). I agree FWIW re heating overnight - we never do, but that’s my preference and what others do to feel comfortable is up to them.

He clearly thought you were going to put the heating on at night and tried to prevent this sneakily, then further acted badly by doing the duvet thing (again, so odd you can even do that!) Being too hot is awful - I get that, but you are not only his partner, you are a guest in his home with a health condition as well. You need to speak during waking hours and come to an agreement - he’s behaved badly.

Or maybe the OP is prone to wasting energy by putting the heating on 24/7 and her DP knows this? Maybe her DP is fed up of her walking round in barely any clothes complaining of being cold?
We don’t know, we weren’t there. But we all know that 15 degrees is NOT cold!

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