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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
ShelaghsCottage · 22/01/2023 07:16

@Aprilx I didn’t know you could pull a thermostat off the wall and move it around the house like that.

Neither did I.

Is your DP a heating engineer OP?

FourTeaFallOut · 22/01/2023 07:19

There are lots of portable thermostats. Usually they sit in a cradle on a wall but you can just pop them out and move them wherever you like.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 22/01/2023 07:20

Could it be that he always takes it upstairs at night? Hot air rises so it will always be warmer upstairs than downstairs and so maybe he takes it up to bed with him. I assume it is some sort of smart thermostat. Or do you think that it is just this once? Either way as you have raised the issue he should have addressed it nicely and bumped the heating up.

Original poster
UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 07:22

lailamaria · 22/01/2023 04:51

people are missing the point, your partner took the thermostat and hid it that's not on plus it doesn't matter whether it would trigger your asthma the point is it was triggering op's asthma

Thank you. This is what I'm trying to say I can't believe he hid it then slyly put the thermostat in a warm place to prevent it coming on

OP posts:
ShelaghsCottage · 22/01/2023 07:22

@FourTeaFallOut There are lots of portable thermostats. Usually they sit in a cradle on a wall but you can just pop them out and move them wherever you like

Well, that's a new one on me. However, "every day's a school day" as they say....🙂

Changingplace · 22/01/2023 07:27

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

Equally confused, we have the heating off at night and get cozy under a warm duvet & blankets, I’d be far too warm having the heating on overnight.

And Op, 15 degrees is a perfectly normal temp overnight, I wouldn’t want it warmer at all.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/01/2023 07:29

DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 07:05

It's not about the actual temperature. Honestly OP, competitive underheating is rife on here at the moment - you'd have been better off leaving the temps out of the post. 😁

The point is the DP taking the thermostat and hiding it. Like what the actual fuck. Does he leave an honesty box for teabags? You're a houseguest!

Yes very strange behaviour.

Had he previously tried to discuss the heating issue OP? That would be the grown up reasonable thing to do when you know something is going to be an issue. He obviously knew it would be an issue otherwise why hide it. Even if the discussion had ended with DP saying he wasn't willing to have the heating on overnight then OP could make an informed decision and not sleep there. Ultimately it's his choice how much he heats his house, but the way he's behaved isn't reasonable, maybe it's a communication problem, maybe he's controlling, it doesn't be bode well for the relationship that this has happened this way. Hiding the thermostat and then artificially increasing the temperature reading so it still turns off isn't normal behaviour.

Shoxfordian · 22/01/2023 07:30

He obviously doesn’t care about you being comfortable or your asthma. Take your daughter and go home; don’t stay with him when he’s not kind to you

Thankyouforthemusic · 22/01/2023 07:32

Don’t stay over with him again OP. Can’t believe some people’s comments on here! OP didn’t ask what temperature you put your heating on or how cold it gets where you live.

lemonyfox · 22/01/2023 07:35

Idk, I don't think 15 degrees is cold and I'd be a bit annoyed if I found my partner tootling around at night waking me up and trying to put the heating on.

He's acted in a weird way for sure, but he obviously doesn't want to put the heating on. Are you absolutely sure he's not worrying more than he's letting on about energy prices and the cost of living? It's his house and he pays the bills (I'm assuming).

His reaction suggests he is, considering what he's done.

When I've got a cold or sore throat and it's hurting breathing, I pull the covers up to my nose so I'm breathing warmer air.

HairyKitty · 22/01/2023 07:36

Whether other people here have their heating on at 10 degrees or 20 degrees isn’t the least bit relevant here though is it…
The issue is that partners controlling and repugnant behaviour, his attitude to your discomfort alone is concerning, let alone his attitude to your physical hesktg. It might be a funny prank if you’re 12yrs old, but not as part of an adult partnership!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/01/2023 07:36

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 22/01/2023 07:20

Could it be that he always takes it upstairs at night? Hot air rises so it will always be warmer upstairs than downstairs and so maybe he takes it up to bed with him. I assume it is some sort of smart thermostat. Or do you think that it is just this once? Either way as you have raised the issue he should have addressed it nicely and bumped the heating up.

That would be a lot more reasonable, though OP did say it's not what he usually does. Also doesn't explain artificially raising the temperature it measures so it clicks off again. It could be that OP is so unreasonable he felt it was pointless to discuss or it could be he's controlling and doesn't care if OP is distressed about her breathing. The asthma issue does on the face of it make him potentially more unreasonable than not.

EveSix · 22/01/2023 07:36

Thanks, Pinky ;)
If you've had a new boiler in the last 10 years, you'll probably have some kind of portable digital thermostat, like Digistat for instance, which just clips into a plastic wall mounting in a central spot in one's home such as in the hall or on the stairs. I have to unclick my thermostat to change the battery, it's easy. I could pop it in my pocket and take it to my neighbours - as long as it was in range of my boiler, it would continue to tell my boiler how to regulate the heating. No need to be a heating engineer.
Older boilers tend to have hardwired units.

Raindancer411 · 22/01/2023 07:40

I think people are concentrating on the wrong thing, everyone has their own comfort levels, no one is wrong or right so this shouldn't be an issue. If you want it warm over night, have it warm, if you don't, then don't. Simple.

OP, I would be considering if he was my 'D'P after this. He shouldn't laugh at something that is an issue for you. Would you want to end up living like this permanently if you was to move in together? I wouldn't waste any further time on him and find someone who cares for you.

sorrynotathome · 22/01/2023 07:44

EveSix · 22/01/2023 07:36

Thanks, Pinky ;)
If you've had a new boiler in the last 10 years, you'll probably have some kind of portable digital thermostat, like Digistat for instance, which just clips into a plastic wall mounting in a central spot in one's home such as in the hall or on the stairs. I have to unclick my thermostat to change the battery, it's easy. I could pop it in my pocket and take it to my neighbours - as long as it was in range of my boiler, it would continue to tell my boiler how to regulate the heating. No need to be a heating engineer.
Older boilers tend to have hardwired units.

Isn’t it easier to use the app than cart the thermostat around?

Karwomannghia · 22/01/2023 07:46

You’ve obviously discussed this before and this was his way of ‘winning’. What an absolute bell end.

Pansypotter123 · 22/01/2023 07:46

Is he mean in other ways?

Karwomannghia · 22/01/2023 07:47

Our portable thermostat died so now we just turn it on and off at the boiler. I prefer it, means it doesn’t come on when we’re out if I’ve forgotten to tell it.

StoppinBy · 22/01/2023 07:49

Firmly in the 'runs heater overnight at 19/20 degrees celcius' camp here (in Aus not that it really matters). Our heater is in the loungeroom though so the bedrooms are a bit colder than the lounge.

We also run the heater overnight and turn down/off during the day.

I will say though that if the reader is upstairs, the upstairs will naturally be warmer than the downstairs so 15 upstairs does not mean it is 15 downstairs.

OP, you need to talk to you partner. What he did is not on at all, regardless of the temperature everyone else thinks is right.

Popsnap · 22/01/2023 07:50

Reverse this .
Can you ever imagine behaving this way to your partner when he and his child were downstairs?
Its mean , selfish and stinks of manipulative behavior and insinuates he thinks your stupid.

Im not being unkind but you seriously want to be with a man who is letting you and your child suffer in the cold while he is upstairs with the heating control ! Ick ick ick.

let me guess, on his birthday ( today ) you will be spoiling him ?????

EveSix · 22/01/2023 07:52

Sorrynotathome, are you saying that it would be easier for the OP's DP to use the app as opposed to physically removing the actual unit or that I don't need to take my thermostat to my neighbour's (which I mentioned purely for illustrative purposes, I'd never do that 😂)?
OP's mean DP might not have an app for his thermostat -my phone is old enough for loads of useful apps not to be available. Or perhaps he switches off the wifi too? And doesn't want to pay for data.

FourTeaFallOut · 22/01/2023 07:54

let me guess, on his birthday ( today ) you will be spoiling him ?????

Oh please don't hang about and be a mug like this. He treated you awfully. Get yourself and your dd home.

GoodChat · 22/01/2023 07:55

I'd take your child and go home.

Snarf23 · 22/01/2023 07:58

I’ve never had heating on at night. I’m not dead. It can be advised but they aren’t paying a high bill for doing so!

We only heat to 17.5 for a few hours a day anyway it’s fine. No health conditions and no stuffy house.

Steviebrown · 22/01/2023 08:00

Go home and have a nice day with your daughter. Dump him. Not because his house is cold, because of the way he acted when you told him it was a problem. He's a controlling bastard.
What temperature other people have their houses at has nothing to do with this and I can't work out why they are banging on about it. Shame some posters don't know that portable thermostats exist.