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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 09:40

@RedHelenB it is controlling to not have a discussion and take away choice. Even worse to then try and trick OP by making her think the temp was higher than it was and stop the heating coming on.

DoNotGetADog · 22/01/2023 09:41

It’s not normal to have heating on at night, even in the coldest weather.

You’re staying at his house and it’s his choice. It’s not like in the daytime you asked for it to be say 1 degree warmer. It’s a massive difference between having the heating on all night and not doing.

If at some point in the future you were to move in with him full time and insist on having heating on all night the bills would near double. And it’s totally unnecessary. I’m sorry but I don’t believe that you can’t breathe at 15 degrees - that’s a relatively warm daytime temperature. I think you’re just making a fuss.

Ultimately though this may be an irreconcilable difference between you and you’re not suited to living together in the future.

Patineur · 22/01/2023 09:49

I would be perfectly happy with a night time temperature of 15 degrees, and if that makes your chest hurt then you really need to have a medical check-up.

However, the game playing with the thermostat is just ridiculous. I assume you don't normally live with your partner? It sounds like time to reassess the relationship, because he's unlikely to change.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 22/01/2023 09:53

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 04:41

Well I would think somebody that says they can’t breath because it is 15 degrees is exaggerating somewhat. I mean what do you do outside? It is often below 15 degrees here in the UK. (And I do have asthma, as does DH).

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Asthma and viral wheeze in kids are worse at night when our natural anti inflammatory processes are less, that's why croup gets bad at night. Also the way our airways operate when asleep is somewhat different.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/01/2023 09:53

RedRobin100 · 22/01/2023 03:52

I don’t think you really need the heating on overnight unless you have a baby.
you wouldn’t have noticed it was cooler if you hadn’t got out of bed.

and I wouldn’t class 15 degrees as really cold air! Surely your asthma isn’t triggered at 15 degrees? That’s a “good day” in the UK!

id be annoyed if heating was on overnight also - it’s wasteful.

I agree with this, 15 is not cold, and you shouldnt have the heating on over night. Its wasteful and unnessesery. If you are likely to turn the heating up above 15 at night, he is right to remove the temptation, as it isnt you who is paying the bill, clearly, but you are likely to be racking up unreasonable expenses if allowed to

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 09:56

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 09:40

@RedHelenB it is controlling to not have a discussion and take away choice. Even worse to then try and trick OP by making her think the temp was higher than it was and stop the heating coming on.

He doesn't need to have a discussion though. It's his house so he gets to decide whether the heating goes on and at what temperature.

His behaviour with hiding the thermostat is pretty odd but OP is perfectly capable of going home and putting the heating on at her own house if she doesn't like it.

PassAnotherJumper · 22/01/2023 09:58

But this isn't a question about whether or not he is reasonable to set the temp in his own house.

This is an AIBU about whther the OP is BU to be pissed off about it and find hiding the thermostat odd and controlling. I don't think she is. I'd run for the bloody hills if someone behaved in such a batshit way.

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 10:05

It sounds like you were being controlling considering it is not your house. My heating has never been on overnight and I would get uncomfortably hot and not sleep well if it was. It would be nothing to do with whether or not I could afford it. I think YABU for expecting someone to change what works for their family in their own home.

PassAnotherJumper · 22/01/2023 10:09

There are lots of ways to deal with a difference in temp preference that are 100% better for a relationship that faking the thermostat temp so that you appear to turn the heating on but really it kicks off again after a few minutes.

That is not the behaviour of a mature adult or a good sign that this is a strong relationship that can handle disputes in a sane way.

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 10:10

His behaviour with the thermostat suggests that the OP has tried to control what the temperature was set to on a previous occasion and he was trying to prevent that from happening again. Perhaps he had a difficult night's sleep the last time.

Bubblebubblebah · 22/01/2023 10:17

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

I know! We also have it on at night and during the day it's lower as you move around until evening when everyone chills.
It's not constant on (comes on and off), but wouldn't want to sleep in 15c room!
Makes my coworker's heads explode😂

Bubblebubblebah · 22/01/2023 10:18

Re op, i think you need to find a way to sleep in bedrooms. This is bit odd set up and if it's all open plan that might really cost a lot to heat (if that means open stairs etc, not hallway separately)

MortimerTheCat · 22/01/2023 10:27

Aprilx · 22/01/2023 04:02

I didn’t know you could pull a thermostat off the wall and move it around the house like that.

But it is night time, it isn’t normal to have heating on at night, you get a thicker duvet.

Mine was never attached to the wall, it’s just a little box that sits on the shelf 🤷🏻‍♀️

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 10:31

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 10:10

His behaviour with the thermostat suggests that the OP has tried to control what the temperature was set to on a previous occasion and he was trying to prevent that from happening again. Perhaps he had a difficult night's sleep the last time.

It does not suggest that at all. All it suggests is he isn't capable of an adult ,reasonable discussion and instead resorts to lying and hiding.

billy1966 · 22/01/2023 10:32

He sounds awful OP.

I wouldn't want someone like that around me not to mind my child.

Sneering and laughing at your discomfort?

He has shown you who he is.

Dump if you have any sense.

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 10:33

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

A temperature drop at night is one thing that help trigger sleep. Then there's the cost factor, as you aren't moving about then it's easier to keep warm with a thick duvet and blankets. We did the same overseas.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/01/2023 10:37

Do many people have the heating on at night?

We discovered decades ago that my husband feels the heat dreadfully, as subsequently did the kids. I always felt the cold. We settled in 16 (daytime) just because you can warm up by putting in more clothes. Short of walking about the house naked, it’s not really possible to become cooler.
(Kids both have asthma, though much improved as adults, and 16 never caused problems, though of course everyone is different)

I don’t think it’s controlling. Just a question of what he’s comfortable with in his home.

(Btw, curious as to why your partner would chat with your child all night? )

Athenen0ctua · 22/01/2023 10:45

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 10:31

It does not suggest that at all. All it suggests is he isn't capable of an adult ,reasonable discussion and instead resorts to lying and hiding.

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I disagree. It suggests to me that something has happened on a previous occasion.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 10:47

PassAnotherJumper · 22/01/2023 09:58

But this isn't a question about whether or not he is reasonable to set the temp in his own house.

This is an AIBU about whther the OP is BU to be pissed off about it and find hiding the thermostat odd and controlling. I don't think she is. I'd run for the bloody hills if someone behaved in such a batshit way.

Well - yes, that's the point.

He can do what he wants in his own house but equally, she's free not to stay over if she's not happy with how he behaves.

RedHelenB · 22/01/2023 10:49

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 09:40

@RedHelenB it is controlling to not have a discussion and take away choice. Even worse to then try and trick OP by making her think the temp was higher than it was and stop the heating coming on.

His house though, so no need for a discussion. If OP isn't comfortable there then she can go back to her own residence. And yes, she might think they're not very compatible in terms of managing heating in a home.

FourTeaFallOut · 22/01/2023 10:58

RedHelenB · 22/01/2023 10:49

His house though, so no need for a discussion. If OP isn't comfortable there then she can go back to her own residence. And yes, she might think they're not very compatible in terms of managing heating in a home.

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Normally ensuring a guest is comfortable is part of the deal when you invite someone to stay. It's not like he took her in off the streets and now she's asking for the heating to go on.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 11:02

Normally ensuring a guest is comfortable is part of the deal when you invite someone to stay. It's not like he took her in off the streets and now she's asking for the heating to go on.

Hmm, I'm not sure I agree that guest comfort always comes above the comfort of those who live there full time.

I wouldn't be happy to put my heating on overnight to accommodate a guest - just because it makes me feel really unwell.

FourTeaFallOut · 22/01/2023 11:05

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 11:02

Normally ensuring a guest is comfortable is part of the deal when you invite someone to stay. It's not like he took her in off the streets and now she's asking for the heating to go on.

Hmm, I'm not sure I agree that guest comfort always comes above the comfort of those who live there full time.

I wouldn't be happy to put my heating on overnight to accommodate a guest - just because it makes me feel really unwell.

But do you think you could manage a grown up discussion about it were your guest to tell you that she was cold and couldn't breathe comfortably?

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 11:09

@FourTeaFallOut of course - but I would expect a grown guest to have a discussion about their needs before staying over, to be honest - not wake me up in the middle of the night 🤷🏻‍♀️

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 11:12

@RedHelenB well I don't see many (healthy) relationships surviving if discussion is never needed because "my" house, "my " choice etc.

Lack of discussion and warning removed OP's choice. It's easy to say just go home, harder to do in the middle of the night (she posted at 3 am) with a sleeping child and a celebration tomorrow.