Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 08:49

Soontobe60 · 22/01/2023 08:46

Or maybe the OP is prone to wasting energy by putting the heating on 24/7 and her DP knows this? Maybe her DP is fed up of her walking round in barely any clothes complaining of being cold?
We don’t know, we weren’t there. But we all know that 15 degrees is NOT cold!

Show quote history

You're right, that completely excuses hiding the thermostat under his duvet rather than having an actual conversation like an adult.

I bet he hides the nice loo roll before she comes over. And the posh biscuits.

Soontobe60 · 22/01/2023 08:49

DaveyJonesLocker · 22/01/2023 08:33

Our thermostat is set at 14 day and night.

But it's not really about temperature, he's hidden the thermostat so you wouldn't be able to turn it up if you got cold. Then he's tricked the thermostat so that you would stay cold. Rather than just talking. He's lied and hid things.
Now I would genuinely LTB because I've been there, done that with a lying controlling manipulator and it's not a one time thing. It's who they are and what they do and 10 years later you realise you don't even have opinions of your own anymore.

He thought to himself "she might get cold down here and need to put the heating on, but I'll be warm, so I don't want the heating on.... better hide the thermostat so she can't."

My DD takes her thermostat up to bed so that she can put the heating on just before she gets up in the morning at the weekend.

WitchDancer · 22/01/2023 08:50

ClockingTime · 22/01/2023 08:46

Is the thermostat portable? Otherwise how did he manage to stretch the wires to the bedroom when he took it off the wall?

We have a hive thermostat, which you can move from room to room without any wires. I am assuming OP has a similar thing.

I personally think that it's an appalling thing for him to do IF he knows that keeping the heating low would trigger your asthma.

megletthesecond · 22/01/2023 08:51

Don't stay there again.
Overnight heating set to 18° here.

Soontobe60 · 22/01/2023 08:52

DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 08:49

You're right, that completely excuses hiding the thermostat under his duvet rather than having an actual conversation like an adult.

I bet he hides the nice loo roll before she comes over. And the posh biscuits.

Show quote history

The OP just guessed the thermostat was under the bedclothes. She didn’t find it there. Thermostats don’t instantly drop in temperature from one room to another. And 15 degrees at night time is positively balmy.

purpledalmation · 22/01/2023 08:52

He'd be my ex DP in minutes. I'd be off to my warmer home

purpledalmation · 22/01/2023 08:53

15 is too cold in a home. 18-20 is more comfortable for most people.

AnyOldThings · 22/01/2023 08:54

The temperature/heating on or off is irrelevant really.

it’s the fact that he deliberately took the thermostat away from your access in an oddly controlling way and then tried to trick it.

it smacks of deception and selfishness to me.

Roundtoedshoes · 22/01/2023 08:54

@Soontobe60 I actually said I do not have my heating on overnight. My preference. If that’s yours as well, for whatever reason, money saving, stealth boasts on the internet, then that’s fine. That’s not the point, and you and some others seem to be deliberately missing the point.

I agree, we only have the OPs version of events. I doubt she was padding around in the night in skimpy lingerie, but you never know…

DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 08:55

Soontobe60 · 22/01/2023 08:52

The OP just guessed the thermostat was under the bedclothes. She didn’t find it there. Thermostats don’t instantly drop in temperature from one room to another. And 15 degrees at night time is positively balmy.

Show quote history

And yet you think it instantly went up to 20 in his room with no heating on in the house and no interference from him? Strange.

The NHS recommends 18 degrees in a bedroom for comfortable sleep. Anything lower and my severely asthmatic DS wakes up because he is uncomfortable.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/01/2023 08:57

Probably being weird about the heating because you seem to want it positively sauna like.
You don't like it? go home.

drammatico · 22/01/2023 08:59

@UnbelievableJeff1 , it's his house, and he is paying the bills, so he's entitled to keep it at whatever temperature he thinks is appropriate. Modern thermostats are designed to be portable, so he can put it where he likes. That said, most hosts will try to ensure their guests are comfortable. If you were in my house, the air might be 15 degrees at night but I would make sure you had a warm duvet and hot water bottle. If you still insisted on me putting the heating on, I would do it but probably wouldn't invite you back in a hurry.

It is wrong of you to describe his behaviour as controlling because you are free to leave his house at any point.

empireemmy · 22/01/2023 09:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

Namechangeforthis88 · 22/01/2023 09:08

sorrynotathome · 22/01/2023 07:44

Isn’t it easier to use the app than cart the thermostat around?

Show quote history

You can replace your wall mounted thermostat with a wireless remote for less than the cost of getting an app compatible set up, and without replacing the boiler.

We didn't have a thermostat at all in flat and it might actually have been cheaper to get a remote IIRC as they didn't have to chase any wiring in. It wasn't worth getting hive or whatever as in a 2 bed flat if you're heating, you might as well heat the whole gaff.

Binfluencer · 22/01/2023 09:08

Why are you with someone so unhinged? Go home to your warm house!

NCGrandParent · 22/01/2023 09:10

@UnbelievableJeff1 yes the behaviour you described is controlling, unkind, disrespectful, immature etc. This is not a healthy relationship.

The actual numbers of the temperature is irrelevant. You could have mentioned any temperature and the point is - his behaviour is horrible.

tasht333 · 22/01/2023 09:17

EveSix · 22/01/2023 06:13

This thread is so frustrating.
Take OP's word for it: she is experiencing discomfort while breathing and believes the temperature in the downstairs part of the house, where she is allocated to sleep, is a contributing factor.
OP, your DP is displaying the kind of premeditated unilateral decision-making often seen in controlling partners. Several posters are surprised it is even possible to detach a thermostat and move it around for purposes of controlling the sensor -that's because it isn't something most people would think of doing. But when the impulse to control a situation, whether anticipated by the controlling partner, or arising in the moment, is strong, it overrides what most people would consider reasonable or worth the bother. I have come across 'fixes' and restrictions to appliances and devices (including outright sabotage) as well as ingenious attempts at surveillance or monitoring the use thereof, put in place by controlling partners without a second thought as to the infringement of autonomy, humiliation and distress experienced by the controlled partner.

OP, please remember this incident because it shows you who he is. Do you know anyone else who might have behaved like this -your best friend, your brother, your mum? Probably not. Because it is not kind or caring, and are not the actions of someone with your best interests at heart.
Watch carefully in the morning. Will any of the following happen:
-an attempt at a 'business as usual' approach: "We shouldn't let last night get in the way of this special birthday, let's just forget about it."
-cold-shouldering you and subtly making you feel you are responsible for any awkwardness
-love bombing you
All coercive strategies to put you in your place.
Best of luck, OP.

THIS. Agree with every word!

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/01/2023 09:21

The temperature is irrelevant really.

If he had an issue with the cost of it, he would've talked to you,warned you ,prepare extra warm things like water bottles and extra blankets. However, once he knew your asthma gets triggered, the heating goes on.

To sneak around like that and try to trick you is ridiculous and controlling behaviour. This tells you what he will do every time you don't agree on something or he decides his way is "better".

This is not a relationship you want to be in or drag your daughter into on top.

RedHelenB · 22/01/2023 09:23

emptythelitterbox · 22/01/2023 06:00

Yes, it's controlling and childish to hide it like that.

15 isn't cold.

Its his house. Up to him what he heats it to amd up to OP to decide if she still wants to visit. It's not controlling not to let OP have her own way.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 22/01/2023 09:29

RedRobin100 · 22/01/2023 03:52

I don’t think you really need the heating on overnight unless you have a baby.
you wouldn’t have noticed it was cooler if you hadn’t got out of bed.

and I wouldn’t class 15 degrees as really cold air! Surely your asthma isn’t triggered at 15 degrees? That’s a “good day” in the UK!

id be annoyed if heating was on overnight also - it’s wasteful.

15 is freezing, our house never goes below 19 at night and my 18 month olds wheeze is triggered at 18ihs

Emdubz · 22/01/2023 09:33

DashboardConfessional · 22/01/2023 07:05

It's not about the actual temperature. Honestly OP, competitive underheating is rife on here at the moment - you'd have been better off leaving the temps out of the post. 😁

The point is the DP taking the thermostat and hiding it. Like what the actual fuck. Does he leave an honesty box for teabags? You're a houseguest!

This is exactly it.

Emdubz · 22/01/2023 09:34

ShelaghsCottage · 22/01/2023 07:16

@Aprilx I didn’t know you could pull a thermostat off the wall and move it around the house like that.

Neither did I.

Is your DP a heating engineer OP?

You can; some are fixed in a wall mounting to enable this. Mine is the same.

PrinceHaz · 22/01/2023 09:35

He doesn’t need to be your DP anymore. Get rid.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 22/01/2023 09:37

His behaviour is weird and highly unattractive, but ultimately it's his house and his decision.

If he wants the heating off overnight then that's up to him - if you don't, you're free to go home and have the heating at whatever temperature you fancy.

I understand you offered to pay but maybe he's one of those people who gets a really bad headache if they sleep with the heating on. I know personally, I wake up feeling really unwell and sick if the heating has been on in the night, even at a really low temperature.

Onwayoutsoon · 22/01/2023 09:37

Shoxfordian · 22/01/2023 07:30

He obviously doesn’t care about you being comfortable or your asthma. Take your daughter and go home; don’t stay with him when he’s not kind to you

This, he doesn’t sound kind at all from what you’ve said. Very odd behaviour with trying to fool you with the thermostat!

Swipe left for the next trending thread