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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP controlling temp

240 replies

UnbelievableJeff1 · 22/01/2023 03:45

So I know I'm not really being unreasonable but I'm more shocked than anything.

So staying at DP as birthday tomorrow. Staying downstairs with DD as she and DP child can't stay in the same room as they would always chat and be awake. Anyway so just woke up and it's absolutely freezing, the heating is off. Went to check the thermostat which lives down stairs and it isn't there!
DP has taken it off the wall so I can't see it or use it. I go upstairs check the thermostat and it says 15 degrees!! I've got asthma DP knows this and very cold air can set it off.

DP wakes up asks what's going on. I explain DP reluctantly puts the heating on. I go to the toilet and back downstairs. The heating switches off within 5 mins, the radiators are hardly warm. I go back up. The thermostat now says 20! I question whys it 20, DP claims to not know. Clearly he has been putting it under the duvet or something. It's clearly not 20.
So I've taken the thermostat out to the hallway, drops instantly to 15 and the heating kicks in.
I understand about heating costs and paying bills. Dp has no trouble with money and its insane to steal the thermostat. I would even pay him for turning it on tonight it's that cold. I told him I was finding the air really hard to breathe and I heard a slight laugh but apparently they didn't laugh.
This has never happened before, he has always left the thermostat downstairs.
Is this controlling? I feel like it is

OP posts:
marmaladepop · 22/01/2023 20:44

PassAnotherJumper · 22/01/2023 06:25

He sounds like a twat.

What massive man baby sneaks around hiding thermostats rather than have a bloody conversation?

Precisely, however I did read somewhere recently where somebody's husband took the thermostat to work with him his wife couldn't turn it up 🤔

Mama2six · 22/01/2023 21:02

Roundtoedshoes · 22/01/2023 04:41

I think people are missing the point here. It’s wrong of the partner to take the thermostat away (& weird - no idea how that is even a thing/possible). I agree FWIW re heating overnight - we never do, but that’s my preference and what others do to feel comfortable is up to them.

He clearly thought you were going to put the heating on at night and tried to prevent this sneakily, then further acted badly by doing the duvet thing (again, so odd you can even do that!) Being too hot is awful - I get that, but you are not only his partner, you are a guest in his home with a health condition as well. You need to speak during waking hours and come to an agreement - he’s behaved badly.

I totally agree this is sneaky and I see that as controlling and inconsiderate tbh

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 22/01/2023 21:20

Can you sack him off op? He sounds more of a bellend with each update.

boygirlmom · 22/01/2023 21:27

Complete empathise with you. When it's cold it is really hard to sleep as an asthma sufferer. I'm using my inhaler every night these days. My husband ensures heating is set to around 17-18 at night as he really panics when he hears me wheezing! The last thing he wants is for me to be wheeled off in an ambulance after having an asthma attack.

Your DP clearly doesn't realise how serious the cold can be for your asthma by the sounds of it. I'd explain again and suggest to swap rooms if he insists on being annoying about the heating.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/01/2023 22:18

putting it under the duvet wont warm it up! honestly! I despair of the scientific understanding of some of the posters on this thread!

Nimbostratus100 · 22/01/2023 22:20

15 degrees is not cold, and wont make you ill, unless you are a new born, or extremely elderly. humans need a cooler temperature at night to sleep, as do all diurnal animals.

NewBootsAndRanty · 22/01/2023 22:31

Nimbostratus100 · 22/01/2023 22:20

15 degrees is not cold, and wont make you ill, unless you are a new born, or extremely elderly. humans need a cooler temperature at night to sleep, as do all diurnal animals.

The recommended indoor temperature for my health condition (lung related) is 21° in the day and 18° overnight - that's the World Health Organisation, NHS and UKHSA advice. Heating the person doesn't change the temperature of the air you actually breathe in, which is the issue.

As far as I know, 43 is not extremely elderly...

Wombatbum · 22/01/2023 22:32

When our bedroom is 15 degrees it feels really cold. He is mean!

Nimbostratus100 · 23/01/2023 06:02

NewBootsAndRanty · 22/01/2023 22:31

The recommended indoor temperature for my health condition (lung related) is 21° in the day and 18° overnight - that's the World Health Organisation, NHS and UKHSA advice. Heating the person doesn't change the temperature of the air you actually breathe in, which is the issue.

As far as I know, 43 is not extremely elderly...

Show quote history

or obviously, with serious lung issues - 15 degrees is NOT going to trigger asthma - that is utterly ridiculous

Nimbostratus100 · 23/01/2023 06:06

Wombatbum · 22/01/2023 22:32

When our bedroom is 15 degrees it feels really cold. He is mean!

This is ust so bizarre! Who are these people who are cold at 15 degrees!

It is above the daytime minimum for a classroom, even of infants, even infants with asthma, which is generally taken as 14 degrees, and at night, the temperature required by humans is lower.

I can only imagine some people have somehow used heating to such excess that they have somehow acclimatised themselves to a silly high temperature, and tbh, I can only recommend you acclimatise yourselves out again, as rocketing up the heating so high is unsustainable and will be destroying the planet

Orangepolentacake · 23/01/2023 06:19

GeorgiaGirl52 · 22/01/2023 04:19

Oddly confused - is this a British thing? We keep the heat higher at night when we have light blankets and loose bedclothes. We don't want to be suffocated under the weight of heavy duvets or freezing if we get up to go to the toilet.
In the morning when the sun is up and the house is heating from sunlight through the windows, we take hot showers an put on layers of clothes. We move around, drink hot drinks, and keep warm. This is when we turn the house thermostat down lower, and keep it down until the evening.

You lost the British at “sunlight”

Orangepolentacake · 23/01/2023 06:21

Nimbostratus100 · 23/01/2023 06:06

This is ust so bizarre! Who are these people who are cold at 15 degrees!

It is above the daytime minimum for a classroom, even of infants, even infants with asthma, which is generally taken as 14 degrees, and at night, the temperature required by humans is lower.

I can only imagine some people have somehow used heating to such excess that they have somehow acclimatised themselves to a silly high temperature, and tbh, I can only recommend you acclimatise yourselves out again, as rocketing up the heating so high is unsustainable and will be destroying the planet

Show quote history

Are you a respiratory doctor?

SeatonCarew · 23/01/2023 06:37

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 22/01/2023 04:14

Who on earth has heating on overnight?

Half of Mumsnet.

Wombatbum · 23/01/2023 06:50

Nimbostratus100 · 23/01/2023 06:06

This is ust so bizarre! Who are these people who are cold at 15 degrees!

It is above the daytime minimum for a classroom, even of infants, even infants with asthma, which is generally taken as 14 degrees, and at night, the temperature required by humans is lower.

I can only imagine some people have somehow used heating to such excess that they have somehow acclimatised themselves to a silly high temperature, and tbh, I can only recommend you acclimatise yourselves out again, as rocketing up the heating so high is unsustainable and will be destroying the planet

Show quote history

Maybe it’s because we have a damp problem so it feels colder? I’ve no idea but I know I’m not cold outside when it’s 15 degrees, it’s strange…

Gymtok · 23/01/2023 06:56

How would a relationship work with both of you having ideas about what temperature is warm enough? All rooms in my house right now are under 16 degrees and will be all day (I WFH). It's absolutely fine and warm enough for both me and DH, but if one of us were cold in these temperatures I just don't think it would work. I hate having a hot house so wouldn't want the temperature to be any hotter.

Original poster
UnbelievableJeff1 · 23/01/2023 06:57

Again the temp is irrelevant. As we can all agree we get on better with diff temps at night.

The issue is hiding the thermostat, then somehow it went from 15 to 20 degrees in the space of 5 mins, the laugh sneer at my discomfort.

As mentioned DP has never taken the thermostat up to bed before.

OP posts:
Gymtok · 23/01/2023 06:57

Nimbostratus100 · 23/01/2023 06:06

This is ust so bizarre! Who are these people who are cold at 15 degrees!

It is above the daytime minimum for a classroom, even of infants, even infants with asthma, which is generally taken as 14 degrees, and at night, the temperature required by humans is lower.

I can only imagine some people have somehow used heating to such excess that they have somehow acclimatised themselves to a silly high temperature, and tbh, I can only recommend you acclimatise yourselves out again, as rocketing up the heating so high is unsustainable and will be destroying the planet

Show quote history

I agree with this.

deeperthanallroses · 23/01/2023 07:01

This is all pretty nasty behaviour from him. I don’t have asthma but am a cold person- I’d call 15 inside cold and for those who skipped that, the op says it was colder downstairs. I’d be furious and unable to recover if this was repeat behaviour from my dp. Is he usually selfish and unkind?

Gymtok · 23/01/2023 07:11

UnbelievableJeff1 · 23/01/2023 06:57

Again the temp is irrelevant. As we can all agree we get on better with diff temps at night.

The issue is hiding the thermostat, then somehow it went from 15 to 20 degrees in the space of 5 mins, the laugh sneer at my discomfort.

As mentioned DP has never taken the thermostat up to bed before.

But the temperature is relevant. There's no way I could have my house over 15 degrees (espically at night) and maybe he's the same. So you think your preference should override his and he thinks his should override yours.
There's no easy answer here.

Kacy75 · 23/01/2023 07:15

I don’t think your being unreasonable. I couldn’t imagine sleeping at less then 18 even then getting up to the toilet it’s freezing! My husband would happily sleep with it lower but knows I struggle to sleep if I’m cold. However he pays the bills and he may be finding things difficult atm. Unless you actually know his situation I wouldn’t presume what his financial situation is. Very mean to trick you into thinking he’s put the heating on I would feel very disrespected and hurt

Athenen0ctua · 23/01/2023 07:24

The temperature is relevant. If it is relevant to you then it is relevant to him and to the situation. It is clear that sleeping downstairs doesn't work, for it to be a comfortable temperature for you then it would be warmer upstairs. If he is used to the heating being off then that likely would make it uncomfortable for him. He didn't go about this the right way, I agree, but the issue will still remain. If you can't sleep upstairs then I wouldn't stay there.

StatisticallyChallenged · 23/01/2023 08:00

He has the person with asthma, who he knows experiences pain when it is too cold indoors, sleeping downstairs in the coldest part of the house.

He actively removes the thermostat to stop her managing her pain.

Then when she is awake in discomfort in the middle of the night and she asks for heating to ease it, he still messes with it to stop her being comfortable.

He can, according to OP, afford to run the heating.

This is not the behaviour of a nice person. Yes, plenty of people can't afford to heat their homes adequately right now but that doesn't mean we should pretend cold homes are ok. He might be comfortable cooler, as some people are, but she has a medical condition that means she is not.

ChungusBoi · 23/01/2023 08:47

Are you sure they aren’t worried about their bills and are too proud to say? It is unkind and controlling behaviour if they know that cold air triggers your asthma and they don’t have money worries. Maybe give them some information about debt from Citizens Advice just to see how they react. I would say, ‘I assume you’ve got money problems because no one who cares would be so insensitive to me trying to manage my health condition otherwise.’

From a practical standpoint, I would refuse to sleep there until it’s warmer, or there is an acceptable solution.

StatisticallyChallenged · 23/01/2023 09:12

Gymtok · 23/01/2023 07:11

But the temperature is relevant. There's no way I could have my house over 15 degrees (espically at night) and maybe he's the same. So you think your preference should override his and he thinks his should override yours.
There's no easy answer here.

Show quote history

What do you do in summer then - I'm in Scotland and even with windows open my house is well above 15 in summer even in the middle of the night.

And in this case it's medical need, which where possible should override preference. Especially when he could achieve his preference by opening his window

deeperthanallroses · 23/01/2023 09:38

Gymtok · 23/01/2023 07:11

But the temperature is relevant. There's no way I could have my house over 15 degrees (espically at night) and maybe he's the same. So you think your preference should override his and he thinks his should override yours.
There's no easy answer here.

Show quote history

That rules out most of the world so obviously most people don’t work that way. I for example am in Australia and good luck to you ever sleeping again outside of May to September. I remember our heating being broken years ago when I rented and it was 14 inside; the lady at the agency wasn’t doing anything and I was so angry. Fortunately I knew the owner and they immediately properly told her off and they sent someone to fix it, as they are legally required to do. 15 is cold by many many peoples standards and the op has explained clearly how it actually harms her health, so where do you get off telling her to just deal with it??