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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 21/01/2023 21:30

It's entirely up to you who you want to tell when you go into labour.

It's not a spectator sport.

APurpleSquirrel · 21/01/2023 21:32

So... if you didn't have pets, you wouldn't want your mum to know either?
Personally I don't see the issue with your PIL knowing you've gone into labour as long they don't then want to come to the hospital without an invitation etc.

lemmein · 21/01/2023 21:34

I don't understand why you care 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:34

Yes, without the pets I wouldn't have anyone apart from my husband know until baby is safely here

OP posts:
Suprima · 21/01/2023 21:34

I don’t really get it? what’s the problem?

if you drip feed that they are nightmares and have no boundaries- then this is a DP problem that he should have sorted loooong ago

35965a · 21/01/2023 21:35

YANBU at all

Soontobe60 · 21/01/2023 21:35

Put it another way - you’re telling your DP that he cannot tell his own parents that his baby is about to be born.
What a great way to start a grandparent / grandchild relationship.

AgathaX · 21/01/2023 21:36

It's really up to you who you tell. Are they likely to turn up uninvited, or be a pain in other ways?

Original poster
PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:36

It's not that my in-laws are nightmares, I just don't want as few people involved as possible. It's not a spectator sport and I don't want all my husband's relatives messaging or putting anything on social media until I have baby in my arms. When my niece was born I wasn't told until she was a few hours old and I wasn't upset about that

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 21/01/2023 21:37

LolaSmiles · 21/01/2023 21:30

It's entirely up to you who you want to tell when you go into labour.

It's not a spectator sport.

This. I didn’t tell mine. I didn’t tell my family either 😬 I couldn’t be doing with the harassing phone calls and competition to ‘find out about the baby first’. Sent a surprise photo when she was born!

Ttbhappy · 21/01/2023 21:37

Do you think your husband would be upset if you don't tell fil.

Eatentoomanyroses · 21/01/2023 21:38

I think it’s a non issue. With my first nobody new because it happened fast. With my second I went in for an induction so both sets of family knew.

WigglyGlowWorm · 21/01/2023 21:38

First time parent…obviously.
Controlling…obviously (that’s you BTW)
Why is it OK for DH’s family out of the loop but not yours? It’s not like they have to be in the delivery room.

You sound ridiculous and are being VERY unreasonable.

lemmein · 21/01/2023 21:38

Soontobe60 · 21/01/2023 21:35

Put it another way - you’re telling your DP that he cannot tell his own parents that his baby is about to be born.
What a great way to start a grandparent / grandchild relationship.

Yep!

How would you feel OP if your DH was filtering what info you could share with your own mum?

Aria2015 · 21/01/2023 21:39

I didn't tell my in-laws. They're not great with boundaries and I knew it would pi55 me off if they were ringing my dh every hour to see how it was going! They'd done some serious boundary crossing during my pregnancy so I was quite sure they'd not just sit back and wait it out! I did secretly tell my mum, but that's because she lives quite far away and I wanted to give her a heads up so she could start travelling down to see me. Plus I knew she'd leave me be and just wait to hear.

I think you should just do what you want. Make out like you wanted to surprise them, that's what we did!

Scattery · 21/01/2023 21:39

Telling people can feel like pressure during a stressful time. What are they going to do? Send "Is the baby here yet???" texts. Will your partner put that on you? Will he text them in the middle of the night? Why do they want to know? Anyway, YANBU. I got along with my MIL but she insisted on coming to the hospital too and wish I'd put my foot down because I think it made labour longer.

JanuaryBirthdays · 21/01/2023 21:39

It really isn't as big of a deal as you think it is unless there is some sort of back story about your PIL being interfering etc. Don't tell them if you don't want to. I had dh tell my parents and PIL when I went into labour (all 3 times) as we get on well and it was an exciting time for the family to be welcoming a new arrival, plus asking about my wellbeing.

Krakenes · 21/01/2023 21:40

When your child grows up, would you want to be informed that their partner/spouse has gone into labour? You don’t need to feel the world, but I would want my parents and my husband’s parents to know. It’s not like you’re going to be on your phone having to reply to texts. I’d also like my son or daughter to let me know if their partner was going into labour so I could be on hand to help them if they needed anything.

BHRK · 21/01/2023 21:40

You’re wrong. Letting them know doesn’t mean it’s a spectator sport!! They are your husband’s parents. You’re telling your mum.
they probably just want to know so they can feel excited for the news. I think you’re being unfair

LolaSmiles · 21/01/2023 21:40

Cuppasoupmonster
We told both sides of immediate family. It didn't occur to me not to, but I'd have been annoyed if I had strong feelings about it and was pushed or guilt tripped into telling people I was in labour.

The woman in labour comes first and if telling family adds more stress or worry to her and she doesn't want it, then that's all there is to it to me.

bakewellbride · 21/01/2023 21:40

Your husband's views are irrelevant- it's a big thing to go through and you and nobody else has to go through it. Everyone should be respecting your wishes.

user1469032438 · 21/01/2023 21:41

YABU and precious why should your mum know and not his? Is you baby a boy? Imagine how you will feel being excluded from everything just because you are a PIL and not a parent

SuperHandss · 21/01/2023 21:41

Entirely up to you and your OH.

I don’t quite understand it though.

APurpleSquirrel · 21/01/2023 21:41

Tbh I don't understand. You & your DH are about to go through a huge event, & yes it's not a spectator sport, but it is good to have people on hand to help should you need them.
What if there are complications? You or your DH may need support & surely it's better that those you may need know what's happening & aren't on holiday/blind drunk/otherwise indisposed?
Unless your PIL are the sort to pebbledash SM, I don't see the issue with them knowing just like your mum will.

Lialou · 21/01/2023 21:42

Surely it's a totally normal thing to tell your immediate family?? I don't understand why you wouldn't tell them! YABU.