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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
WonderWoop · 21/01/2023 23:11

Totally get it. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour with DD. Except the catsitter. Personally I'd get a petsitter, OP!

amazinggrace2 · 21/01/2023 23:22

My mil told me she was going to be at the birth and watch her GC come into the world and I could like it or lump it, she wasn't told when dc was born or where we moved to or our new numbers.
Unless you are expecting her to show up, make demands and take over then I don't see the harm.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 21/01/2023 23:26

I agree. I never want anyone to know I'm in labour! I'd hate the "pressure" that people were waiting for an update or having DP get messages like "heard Oops is in labour!" And asking questions. You're right to keep it as private as possible imho.

Lentil63 · 21/01/2023 23:26

So obvious and sad. You tell yourself that you’re going to tell your mum because of the pets but could not your in laws look after them?
If you were honest you would admit that you don’t want your PIL involved. You are excluding them. Very unkind. It’s not only unkind but incredibly selfish towards your child who would benefit from a warm and loving relationship with both sets of grandparents. I’m the mother of sons and I thank the universe every day for my beautiful daughter in laws who I love with all my heart.

margegunderson · 21/01/2023 23:29

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:44

Well personally my mum doesn't want to know when I go into labour because she doesn't want to worry about me but we have no other family nearby who can feed our pets.
I just don't see why anyone needs to know, everyone wil be informed about baby and sent a picture at the same time when he is born.

Don't the grandparents get any precedence here over all the randoms? That is unreasonable.

AnotherEmma · 21/01/2023 23:29

Oh FFS
As if telling or not telling your PILs the latest info on the dilation of your cervix has anything at all to do with their future relationship with their grandchild!
The nonsense people put on here sometimes...
(And yes, I have a son. No, if he one day has a female partner and they have a child, I do not expect to be involved in HER giving birth)

Lavender14 · 21/01/2023 23:33

I was exactly the same. I wanted to be able to go through the process and deliver baby without the added pressure of people 'checking in' or asking for updates or talking about how long it had been etc etc. I also wanted to allow myself and dh as long as possible to just enjoy our wee baby bubble for a bit before we opened that up to others. In the end up we had to tell my in laws because we needed them to sort out our pets so there was no choice in the matter. I told my parents because I wanted to keep it fair. The one thing I did like about it was that if something happened to me or things didn't go quite to plan (it was a lovely experience and went really smoothly) I didn't want my dh sat alone in a corridor feeling like he couldn't reach out to his family for support. In the end up it didn't matter so much but I would strongly recommend set your boundaries now for when you get out of hospital. I told everyone I was giving myself a few days before visitors as I knew I might be exhausted and my in laws were still round multiple times in the week and began telling us who else in the family needed to meet the baby within that first week. It caused a lot of friction been me and dh because he felt stuck in the middle. So agree a plan, tell people your plan and make sure your partner is ready to enforce that plan. I think when you get home is the time you'll want protected the most as you can feel quite vulnerable. As my midwife said this is the one time in your life where it really is all about you so you can be as much of a diva as you like.

Lavender14 · 21/01/2023 23:39

margegunderson · 21/01/2023 23:29

Don't the grandparents get any precedence here over all the randoms? That is unreasonable.

Show quote history

It's not about the grandparents. They will have plenty of time to build a relationship and invest in their grandchild when the parents are ready. They have got to enjoy those first moments with their children, now it's ops turn. It's lovely when grandparents are keen and involved but it has to work for the person actually having the baby. My in laws inadvertently put lots of pressure on me in the first week and I ended up doing too much and getting an infection as a result. Lesson learned for next time. I'm sure grandparents could be the first to meet them for example when op feels ready for that and it depends on the relationship op has with the grandparents. They aren't entitled to access to a child that isn't theirs without the parents say so no matter who they are. And they should be wanting to consider the needs of the mother who has just been through a huge experience and needs to rest and process that.

Lcb123 · 21/01/2023 23:40

Sorry but you need to chill out. They’re not going to turn up in labour room 😂

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 21/01/2023 23:40

Having kids never happened for us but I'd thought about stuff like this. I'm a very private person and find people fussing to be very stressful so I wouldn't have wanted anyone to know either.

I don't think it matters whether people understand why you want to wait until baby is born to tell anyone. You do whatever is going to cause you the least stress. When your partner is the one pushing a baby through his vagina he can dictate who knows its happening.

IWineAndDontDine · 21/01/2023 23:52

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:44

Well personally my mum doesn't want to know when I go into labour because she doesn't want to worry about me but we have no other family nearby who can feed our pets.
I just don't see why anyone needs to know, everyone wil be informed about baby and sent a picture at the same time when he is born.

Maybe because your partner wants to share it with them? You know this is a non issue but want to seem sincere for your pointless reasons as to why PIL dont get to know important moments in their sons life. You clearly have a control problem, god knows what else he has to deal with if this is your attitude. Bet you will be demanding NC in the future because they gave the kid 4 mini cheddars instead of 3 at their 14th birthday party.

AnotherEmma · 21/01/2023 23:54

Lcb123 · 21/01/2023 23:40

Sorry but you need to chill out. They’re not going to turn up in labour room 😂

Oh because no one ever turns up at the hospital uninvited... 🙄🙄🙄

IWineAndDontDine · 21/01/2023 23:57

AnotherEmma · 21/01/2023 23:29

Oh FFS
As if telling or not telling your PILs the latest info on the dilation of your cervix has anything at all to do with their future relationship with their grandchild!
The nonsense people put on here sometimes...
(And yes, I have a son. No, if he one day has a female partner and they have a child, I do not expect to be involved in HER giving birth)

Oh come the fuck on. You don't think having such strong opinions on such a minor non-issue will lead to other and more excluding things? She wants to exclude her IL from the info for pointless reasons. She wants to stop her partner sharing info about their child coming into the world for what? Why would anyone feel so strongly about that? There will be more issues in the future and anyone would be naive to think otherwise.

Businessflake · 21/01/2023 23:57

Your husband's views are irrelevant

What great way to start to true partnership that is parenthood.

2Rebecca · 21/01/2023 23:58

I don't see the point in telling people unless you have to, they'll just fuss and bombard you and husband or ward with phone calls and texts for updates. We told no-one until afterwards.

DillDanding · 22/01/2023 00:00

I wouldn’t care. It’s a bit precious if you ask me.

Glorianna · 22/01/2023 00:00

YANBU. If DH is that bothered he can pass the pet feeding chore to his parents and so they can then get notice of impending birth, rather than your mum.

AnotherEmma · 22/01/2023 00:00

"Pointless reasons" in your opinion; not the OP's, not mine and not the opinion of others on this thread, either.

Wanting to give birth without worrying about having to update people who may or may not be calling/messaging you and your partner is a perfectly valid reason not to tell people.

You might have had all sorts of reasons for decisions you made during pregnancy, childbirth and parenting - would you appreciate others dismissing those reasons as "pointless" just because they disagreed?

LCforlife · 22/01/2023 00:07

I totally get it OP and feel the same. No-one needs to know unless you want/need them to.
My attitude here is whilst I am the one carrying and giving birth this stuff is up to me. Once the baby is here and we are parenting together then it becomes more of a democracy.

In fact I'd go further and be cagey about due date as the constant fucking messages and comments is really annoying.

'No I haven't gone into labour yet' 'No I haven't had the baby yet, obviously because I'm still fucking pregnant' and 'Yes I do know what the gestation of an elephant is, thank you very fucking much for the comparison'.

Fuck off! 😄

BubziOwl · 22/01/2023 00:09

You are going through a significant medical event, so of course it's entirely up to you who you share that info with.

That being said, it would never have occurred to me to not tell my in-laws. But then, none of us are the sort to overshare on social media so I certainly didn't worry about them posting anything. Have they given you cause to think they would? I have never seen anyone's relatives share birth announcements tbh, that would seem very odd to me.

Again, I'm just curious about your viewpoint, but I am certainly not questioning your right to choose your own boundaries.

UsingChangeofName · 22/01/2023 00:10

As you Mum doesn't really want to know, and your PiL do, is there a reason why your PiL can't be in charge of feeding the pets if they really need attention at that point, keeping in mind you don't usually go in to hospital until you are well established in your labour ?

Crumpledstilstkin · 22/01/2023 00:11

No one deserves to know but your DH deserves to be able to access support too. I think it's fair that he is able to tell them if he needs their support, same as you are able to tell your family if you need their support. Labour can be a scary experience for the dad too as they have no control over a situation in which people they care about are going through pain so he may need it. But they absolutely do not have a right to be told for their own benefit.

Jeschara · 22/01/2023 00:13

DillDanding · 22/01/2023 00:00

I wouldn’t care. It’s a bit precious if you ask me.

I agree.i can understand what your husband is saying.

Blossomtoes · 22/01/2023 00:15

Nobody knew I was in labour. Both our families got a phone call to let them know the baby had arrived. It’s completely unnecessary to share everything. What you say goes @PenguinX. You’re the one having the baby.

ItsBritneyBitch45 · 22/01/2023 00:19

WigglyGlowWorm · 21/01/2023 21:38

First time parent…obviously.
Controlling…obviously (that’s you BTW)
Why is it OK for DH’s family out of the loop but not yours? It’s not like they have to be in the delivery room.

You sound ridiculous and are being VERY unreasonable.

Literally😂

Just let your DH tell his parents know once you’be actually had the baby. What’s the actual problem here?!