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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
Starcircle · 21/01/2023 21:59

I disagree with those saying “of course his parents should know so it’s fair” - it entirely depends on what those people are like and how they would react. Are they discreet/would they be irritating or intrusive? If so, of course you wouldn’t want them knowing.

I would never have told my in laws that I was in labour because it would have stressed me out. I told my mum I was in labour because that didn’t stress me out. Giving birth isn’t like other situations relating to in-laws where being fair matters more. It is the mother giving birth so she decides what makes her feel comfortable.

I have 4 sons and wouldn’t expect to be told anything by my daughters in law.

Jakadaal · 21/01/2023 21:59

I do find this attitude weird but if that's what you want then it's up to you. This is also your DH's child and if he wants his parents to know then equally that's up to him.

Personally I think you are starting years of I'll feeling with your ILs

MissMaple82 · 21/01/2023 21:59

What on earth is the big deal. What about your husbands wishes! You can't dictate what he says to them

Boringcookingquestion · 21/01/2023 22:03

Your comfort is the most important thing so don’t tell them if you don’t want to. I do think it’s a bit odd though and I could understand your DH and in-laws being a bit upset by your decision.

Labour isn’t a spectator sport but it’s normal (IMO) for close family to be kept in the loop (as long as they’re not interfering/nasty/likely to ignore your wishes). I couldn’t imagine giving birth without letting mine and DH’s parents and siblings know.

Maybe it just comes down to how your family usually operates. My mum would absolutely want to know, precisely because she does worry about me and would want to be ready in case I needed her in any way. If your family is more private it’s understandable that you don’t want to let people know.

LolaSmiles · 21/01/2023 22:04

What's bizarre is that so many people think that everyone else has more of a say on the whether a status update of a pregnant woman's body should be shared than the woman herself.

Honestly if a relative (on any side) is going to create a sour relationship because a labouring woman hasn't centred their desire for a uterus update over her birth preferences, that to me says more about them than the labouring mother.

Cleanqueennot · 21/01/2023 22:06

People on here can be so insensitive with their comments! I get where you’re coming from OP. It’s nice to have family and in laws that care, but it is a time that makes a woman feel very vulnerable. My mum wanted to be at the birth but I didn’t want her there. I didn’t need another person to worry about when it came to such a crucial time and I felt it would add more stress to what might already be a stressful situation.

I don’t get why some people have said you might need their support or help so you should tell them. You can just ask for help should that happen. I would drop everything to help someone I love in an emergency. You want to chill and not be worried about what everyone else is thinking/doing. As an anxious first time mum I was just the same.

Stick with your guns and if you change your mind on the day you can always tell them! Your partner should be supporting your decision to help you have a stress free birth.

Big virtual hugs. All will be fine OP x

Calmdown14 · 21/01/2023 22:06

I think you are being ridiculous.

I mean you are going to go into labour within a fairly limited time period anyway and I doubt they'll be ringing round everyone else (other than perhaps siblings) to tell them.

What if you or the baby need extra help or it's a traumatic experience for your husband. Is he not allowed the support of his own parents?

It's a quick text, not four extra guests in the delivery room.

Why put up barriers at a time you might just need them?

LBFseBrom · 21/01/2023 22:06

The only person who knew I had gone into labour during the night was my husband. He 'phoned the grandparents early the next morning after I had given birth. That seemed to suit everyone. They all came to see me in hospital and I went home the next day.

However I didn't have any pets then.

Bebabelouba · 21/01/2023 22:06

I'm with you op. Unless anyone else is going to birth the baby, your body your choice .
I was in a very similar position to you and against my better judgement PIL were told, at the time it seemed only fair
Unfortunately pil took it upon themselves to turn up at the hospital even though this was clearly not the plan.
They caused a bit of bother for the nursing staff who unbeknown to me, didn't let them in.
By the time they could come in they were very disgruntled.
It was incredibly unsupportive as they were caught up in their own feelings rather than DH or mine, after what transpired to be a complex delivery.
I think a lot of parenthood is about going with your gut. My advice is to start now

HungryandIknowit · 21/01/2023 22:06

YANBU. It's your body and your information until the baby has actually arrived. You will be going through labour so you get to decide what makes you least stressed. I wouldn't be impressed if my husband was pushing back on this tbh.

Mariposista · 21/01/2023 22:08

If the husband was dictating what OP can and can't tell her own family, everyone here would want his testicles on a stake. Yet funnily enough, she is allowed to call the shots.
Perfectly fine not to want phonically, visits until it's done and dusted, but informing one set of grandparents and not the other is shitty.

pinkunicorns54 · 21/01/2023 22:08

We told immediate family the date of my section, but I asked them not to tell anyone else until baby was here safely

Aquarium321 · 21/01/2023 22:09

I didn't want anyone to know but in the moment it was actually really hard not to tell them. If you get to within a week or two of your due date and one both of you stops answering your phone/replying to messages then people catch on really quick. Having said that our families were really patient and didn't contact us at all

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 21/01/2023 22:10

I'm with you OP

My PIL wanted the same. They set off to see us as soon as I went into labour. We were discharged in the evening and the next morning the PIL turned up on the doorstep at 8am with a plastic golf set for the baby. It wasn't a great start - they didn't respect our boundaries from the start.

meetmeatmidnights · 21/01/2023 22:10

😂 I love playing spot the MIL on these threads!!

OP, I don't think YABU at all. I think that in the moment I'm sure you'd rather your DH was able to concentrate on the birth at hand, rather than updating people / fielding information requests / sorting visits. Whatever makes the birth more comfortable for you is good in my books, you need to be stress and worry free as much as you can - if this helps and doesn't harm anyone, go for it! It'll be lovely to be able to just send a cute photo to them to announce it 😊

Badgerandfox227 · 21/01/2023 22:11

I made sure my PILs were just as welcome to be involved in our children’s lives as possible. They both had scan pic copies, they were both told when I went in to labour. My partners parents were offering him support, as things weren’t going to plan and we were in a few days, and I think it was good he had someone to lean on - especially when things end up not being straightforward. He kept in touch with both our families, as the last thing I wanted was to message anyone.

Why not just have a chat beforehand that you don’t want anything on social media and you don’t want them to share that you’re in labour with anyone else?

Easternext · 21/01/2023 22:11

Why can't he tell them and tell them not to be telling anyone because you don't want everyone knowing or you want to announce the birth to them yourself, a quick text hi labour has started please keep it to yourself we won't be taking calls or replying to texts so will speak to you once baby arrives safely.

Jakadaal · 21/01/2023 22:11

HungryandIknowit · 21/01/2023 22:06

YANBU. It's your body and your information until the baby has actually arrived. You will be going through labour so you get to decide what makes you least stressed. I wouldn't be impressed if my husband was pushing back on this tbh.

And it's her husbands child as well! They have created the baby together. As another PP said upthread if this was reversed everyone would be calling the man controlling

Subtlety1985 · 21/01/2023 22:11

MissMaple82 · 21/01/2023 21:59

What on earth is the big deal. What about your husbands wishes! You can't dictate what he says to them

WTF

Some of these messages are insane.

OP will be the one in labour. She’s the one going through hours of pain. If she doesn’t want anyone to know then her husband should respect that and not add pressure.

OP has clearly stated she’s only telling her mum as there’s no-one else to feed her pets.

OP, IMO it’s completely fine to ask your husband to respect your wishes on this.

There’s nothing offensive about this situation to anyone, this is your labour and you have the right to control who should know. When everyone receives the announcement of the new baby (when your ready) it will be lovely news regardless.

EyesOnThePies · 21/01/2023 22:11

I love my mum dearly.

She phoned when I was 8 - 9 Cms dilated and I still didn’t tell her I was in labour.

It was primal and instinctive, I had an intense feeling of privacy, and the last thing I wanted was feeling that people were waiting for news. It would have felt like pressure.

Chimna · 21/01/2023 22:12

I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't be arsed with the constant demand for updates then pictures once DC arrived. It meant we could have a precious few hours before telling everyone.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 21/01/2023 22:12

Mariposista · 21/01/2023 22:08

If the husband was dictating what OP can and can't tell her own family, everyone here would want his testicles on a stake. Yet funnily enough, she is allowed to call the shots.
Perfectly fine not to want phonically, visits until it's done and dusted, but informing one set of grandparents and not the other is shitty.

Bolleaux.
She gets to decide-she's the one giving birth-completely natural to inform your own mother but not the MIL
Husband doesn't get a say, nor should he attempt to pressurise her to change her mind
🙄

Greyhave · 21/01/2023 22:13

YABVU.

Its just common decency to let your in-laws know.

Comments like it’s not a spectator sport and it’s your body etc are just weird. Yes and yes but letting in-laws know that their grandchild is on the way isn’t the same as inviting them into hospital to watch the birth or inviting them straight in afterwards. It’s up to you and your oh about when to have visitors after.

BeatlejuiceBeatlejuiceBeatlejuice · 21/01/2023 22:15

YANBU, I wasn’t going to tell anyone I’d gone into labour either. Didn’t want worried parents/in-laws harassing for updates.

As it so happened he arrived 2 weeks early and I had to tell my mum as his cot was being delivered as I headed to hospital. She then did spend the next 24hrs harassing for updates whilst I dealt with a slow labour and ending in an emergency section.

Rosalindisafuckingnightmare · 21/01/2023 22:17

YANBU. They are being weird to request this. With our first we didn’t tell anyone - there was no need and we were busy. With our second we did tell my parents as they had our DS. Didn’t occur to us to tell in-laws, what would they have gained from being woken up?

It makes you uncomfortable and there’s no need for it. These things can take varying amounts of time, you don’t want to feel like a watched pot and that’s ok. They don’t need to know. You’re not going to keep the baby a secret, if you need something you can still ask. They shouldn’t be spreading it around, there’s no need to compare notes or worry about “being equal”.

Why on earth have they brought this up?!