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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
Krakenes · 21/01/2023 21:44

user1469032438 · 21/01/2023 21:41

YABU and precious why should your mum know and not his? Is you baby a boy? Imagine how you will feel being excluded from everything just because you are a PIL and not a parent

Exactly. Or they could have a girl that chooses a female partner and that partner has their baby. I’d hate to be ostracised by my child like that and by setting that precedent seems like the cycle could repeat itself.

Original poster
PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:44

Well personally my mum doesn't want to know when I go into labour because she doesn't want to worry about me but we have no other family nearby who can feed our pets.
I just don't see why anyone needs to know, everyone wil be informed about baby and sent a picture at the same time when he is born.

OP posts:
NameChagaiiiin · 21/01/2023 21:44

Seems weird you can tell your Mum and he can't tell his....

Having said that, neither me nor my DH told anyone til DD was about 6 hours old as it all was a bit traumatic in the throws of it 🤣

They knew there'd be a baby at some point and then they got some pics lol.

DiddyHeck · 21/01/2023 21:44

Lialou · 21/01/2023 21:42

Surely it's a totally normal thing to tell your immediate family?? I don't understand why you wouldn't tell them! YABU.

Seem to be a weird Mumsnet thing.

Let's hope the OP's DC have pets when they're adults...

amispeakingintongues · 21/01/2023 21:45

It's not an issue in my opinion.
If it's social media you're worried about you only need to make it clear to in-laws not to put anything on social media.

And you won't be looking at your phone in labour. Just turn it off if you feel bad about not replying(?) ...but anyone in their right mind won't be expecting you to be calling or txting them with updates Hmm

It's an exciting time for your close family, that's why FIL has asked to know. It's very normal and not intended to put pressure on you

WandaWonder · 21/01/2023 21:45

It is his child too, my husband had total freedom to tell his parents and relatives what he wanted

I never thought any different at the time till I started seeing on forums people micromanaging it like they are the queen, well king now.

MattieandmummyandIs · 21/01/2023 21:45

If you don't feel comfortable about it and it will stress you out then don't tell them.

We didn't tell my family or my DH's family until both babies were born. Everyone was fine, no-one was annoyed they didn't know before, no relationships were ruined. Everyone was happy and excited about their new grandchild/neice/nephew etc

Emmamoo89 · 21/01/2023 21:46

YANBU X

bakewellbride · 21/01/2023 21:47

"I just don't see why anyone needs to know, everyone wil be informed about baby and sent a picture at the same time when he is born."

We've done this each time. No one knew a thing until a baby was born. It was all absolutely fine and no dramas. We did texts / calls as soon as we could and nice announcement cards a couple of weeks after.

billy1966 · 21/01/2023 21:47

LolaSmiles · 21/01/2023 21:30

It's entirely up to you who you want to tell when you go into labour.

It's not a spectator sport.

This.

Very normal to not tell many/any until its all over.

A good man doesn't question what you, whom will birth the child, wants.

A twat will, IMO.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 21/01/2023 21:47

If you're in labour for awhile though they may worry if they can't hold of either of you. Or do you intend to continue to communicate, just not mention it?

MamaNewtNewt · 21/01/2023 21:47

I don't blame you. I didn't really have that option as I was overdue and had to be induced but we had phone calls for updates when I was in labour from DM and DMIL. They were both politely told to wait to hear from us.

Lialou · 21/01/2023 21:48

Your Mum doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to worry about you...? Thats really nice of your Mum to be thinking of herself and her feelings instead of yours and the new baby. Maybe that explains where you are getting your cold feelings about telling immediate family such an important thing from.....

Sapphire387 · 21/01/2023 21:49

YANBU. Your body, your labour, your choice.

I felt very vulnerable and wanted to keep things private, and that should be respected.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 21/01/2023 21:49

YANBU: stick to your guns!!! Does your husband want to be pressed for minute to minute updates once the clock has started??? This precious time is for you and your baby, husband is a distant second, and neither set of parents count. Focus on your baby-and make sure you tell midwives and your husband if you don't want any visitors. They can wait until you are safely back a home and ready to see other people-it doesn't have to happen straight away Flowers

Emmamoo89 · 21/01/2023 21:50

Lialou · 21/01/2023 21:48

Your Mum doesn't want you to know because she doesn't want to worry about you...? Thats really nice of your Mum to be thinking of herself and her feelings instead of yours and the new baby. Maybe that explains where you are getting your cold feelings about telling immediate family such an important thing from.....

How's it a bad thing. Its natural for a mother to be worried when her daughter goes into labour.

4thonthe4th · 21/01/2023 21:51

They wouldn’t be involved though? They’d just receive a phone call informing them their DIL is in labour.

Yabu.

Lialou · 21/01/2023 21:52

Emmamoo89 · 21/01/2023 21:50

How's it a bad thing. Its natural for a mother to be worried when her daughter goes into labour.

Show quote history

OP said her mum doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to worry about her. I was being sarcastic saying how nice of her mum to think of her own feelings not her daughters.

AliceMcK · 21/01/2023 21:52

Entirely up to you who you tell, but in the same case it’s up to your DH who he tells. Unless there is a huge backstory and you think in-laws will turn up or post things online I think your being a bit unfair.

Thepossibility · 21/01/2023 21:53

My DH texted heaps of people when I went into labour with my first and many of them came to the hospital!
I had the midwife constantly coming up to me saying “so and so is here, shall I let them in?" And me having a little panic because I felt so vulnerable.
Then the moment she was born EVERYONE came in and had a hold and photos and I just sat there in shock and pain.
As you can imagine, no-one was told when I went into labour with the next two.

Krakenes · 21/01/2023 21:54

I can see some people’s point now if they have selfish parents/in-laws/husband etc. makes me appreciate how lucky I was that I have a loving family and who were just excited for me and never bothered us with texts/calls etc. I also have a great husband that definitely wasn’t a ‘distant second’, but an amazing supportive husband and father and that equalness with our baby has meant he’s taken on an equal share of child rearing and all that entails. I didn’t really think it was that unusual.

4thonthe4th · 21/01/2023 21:55

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:44

Well personally my mum doesn't want to know when I go into labour because she doesn't want to worry about me but we have no other family nearby who can feed our pets.
I just don't see why anyone needs to know, everyone wil be informed about baby and sent a picture at the same time when he is born.

Why on earth has your mum said that? Are you not close? I’m assuming she wants you to call someone else if, god forbid, there are any issues then?
Personally, from this update I’d tell your in laws instead of your mum. At least they want to know and seem supportive, unlike your mum!

GlassBunion · 21/01/2023 21:55

If you need to inform your mum then you should inform your partner's parents.

You're being rather too PFBzillaish on this.

Margo34 · 21/01/2023 21:56

Bit weird not to want your parents and PILs to know. What if birth doesn't go smoothly and you need emotional (or any other) support? What happens if you end up in hospital for days? Wouldn't you rather tell them "baby is merrily on the way!" rather than "baby is in in NICU" (god forbid).

How might your families feel (not that it's their decision)?

Thepossibility · 21/01/2023 21:58

But surely your pets don't need to be fed the moment you go into labour.
I would compromise and say that you will tell no-one to be fair.
When the time actually comes then maybe you will need to shoot your mum a text if you have complications or an incredibly long labour, but it will probably be straightforward and you can text her after bub is here.
Otherwise it is a bit unfair.