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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 23/01/2023 11:22

AnotherEmma · 21/01/2023 23:29

Oh FFS
As if telling or not telling your PILs the latest info on the dilation of your cervix has anything at all to do with their future relationship with their grandchild!
The nonsense people put on here sometimes...
(And yes, I have a son. No, if he one day has a female partner and they have a child, I do not expect to be involved in HER giving birth)

Disappointing that this sensible outlook seems to be very much the minority voice. In this situation the mother is the patient. As PPs have pointed out it's the father's child too, but she's the one shoving a melon-sized baby through her pelvis, absorbing the tears, stretches and stresses on her body, and taking 100% of the hormonal hit. Her wishes and needs are paramount. If ever there's a time any woman is entitled to put herself ahead of all others - yes, including her husband's - it's now. But true to predictable form, Mumsnet is gleefully telling another woman she should be putting everyone else's needs before her own.

I say no to that. Telling people when she's in labour isn't going to affect the time it takes the baby to arrive: instead it will detract her birthing partner's attention from her as he responds to the inevitable messages asking for updates. The grandparents will know everything they need to know soon enough. What they don't need is a blow-by-blow account of OP's medical situation. She's a human being - entitled to the dignity of her privacy if she so chooses - not an empty vessel or an incubator.

For me, in the event something did go wrong with the birth, DH and I wanted no one but each other. His mother barely knew me yet was demanding she be allowed to sit around at the hospital whilst I went through labour. Thankfully he (politely) told her to piss off. Had he not been on the same page I can't imagine how I'd have felt.

OP, all the best for a safe delivery. What you don't need now is others' demands creating unnecessary stress for you. YANBU. At all.

budgiegirl · 23/01/2023 11:33

Entirely up to you who you tell, but in the same case it’s up to your DH who he tells. Unless there is a huge backstory and you think in-laws will turn up or post things online I think your being a bit unfair

I agree with this. Unless your ILs are likely to turn up to the hospital uninvited, then I can't see a problem with your DH telling them

In my case, it was my MIL that told me I was in labour! I was on the phone to her, and my breathing was odd, and she told me she thought it was time for me to go to the hospital. She was right !

BeGentlePeeps · 23/01/2023 11:43

My lovely in laws live 9 hours drive away: with my first my DH sent them a text at 10pm when we went into hospital. They drove all night and were in the delivery room about an hour after a difficult delivery (assisted, resus team etc) 🥴 there was blood all over the floor and I still had dense leg weakness. It was awful although I was quite out of it at the time.

Baby and I had to stay in for a week, in-laws stayed at our house until the day before discharge. When I got home all the batch cooked dinners had been eaten. We had to go straight to Sainsburys (where I bumped into the obstetrician who’d had his hand up my foof hauling out a baby 7 days earlier- he looked more surprised than me to be meeting over the carrots in the vege aisle on the day I was discharged!).

My in-laws are lovely and normally sensible people and we get on very well: my MIL actually apologised, unprompted, to me for their invasion several months later! People go a bit crazy when there’s a new baby- particularly if it’s a family first.

Anyhows, only our neighbour who was watching our toddler for second baby birth, was told the next time!

YANBU

pocketvenuss · 23/01/2023 14:04

@Glitterblue I think if you're telling your own mum, it's only fair that your partner can also tell his parents. They're as much grandparents to your baby as your own mum is.
This has nothing to do with being a grandparent and everything to do with a woman going all the work to birth a child. This is the one situation where no one gets a say other than the birthing person.

MeridianB · 23/01/2023 14:16

Baby and I had to stay in for a week, in-laws stayed at our house until the day before discharge. When I got home all the batch cooked dinners had been eaten.

WTF???!! So three adults who had f* all else to do, just sat and ate their way through the food you'd prepped, so you had nothing to eat when you were discharged from hospital? And then you had to go food shopping? How did your DH think this was OK, let alone the ILs?!

Blossomtoes · 23/01/2023 14:31

MeridianB · 23/01/2023 14:16

Baby and I had to stay in for a week, in-laws stayed at our house until the day before discharge. When I got home all the batch cooked dinners had been eaten.

WTF???!! So three adults who had f* all else to do, just sat and ate their way through the food you'd prepped, so you had nothing to eat when you were discharged from hospital? And then you had to go food shopping? How did your DH think this was OK, let alone the ILs?!

Unbelievable, isn’t it? Decent grandparents stay away until they’re invited and order a week’s worth of Cook meals to be delivered.

halloumi1 · 23/01/2023 14:50

SerafinasGoose · 23/01/2023 11:22

Disappointing that this sensible outlook seems to be very much the minority voice. In this situation the mother is the patient. As PPs have pointed out it's the father's child too, but she's the one shoving a melon-sized baby through her pelvis, absorbing the tears, stretches and stresses on her body, and taking 100% of the hormonal hit. Her wishes and needs are paramount. If ever there's a time any woman is entitled to put herself ahead of all others - yes, including her husband's - it's now. But true to predictable form, Mumsnet is gleefully telling another woman she should be putting everyone else's needs before her own.

I say no to that. Telling people when she's in labour isn't going to affect the time it takes the baby to arrive: instead it will detract her birthing partner's attention from her as he responds to the inevitable messages asking for updates. The grandparents will know everything they need to know soon enough. What they don't need is a blow-by-blow account of OP's medical situation. She's a human being - entitled to the dignity of her privacy if she so chooses - not an empty vessel or an incubator.

For me, in the event something did go wrong with the birth, DH and I wanted no one but each other. His mother barely knew me yet was demanding she be allowed to sit around at the hospital whilst I went through labour. Thankfully he (politely) told her to piss off. Had he not been on the same page I can't imagine how I'd have felt.

OP, all the best for a safe delivery. What you don't need now is others' demands creating unnecessary stress for you. YANBU. At all.

Show quote history

This and all of this!

I’m glad you came back OP as was worried some of the harsh comments might have been a lot. There’s having a differing opinion to someone and then going in on someone in unnecessary territory.

Sorry for your loss and wishing you a safe and as easy as can be delivery.

For what it’s worth OP, my MIL wanted to know when I was in labour. We didn’t tell anyone as I mentioned in my previous post, but then I put her wants to see the baby first over my need to heal and come to terms with my first baby and the massive impact that is to your life! I allowed her, after lots of pestering and against my better judgement, to come over the first day I was out of hospital.
She went absolutely crazy, tried to keep taking him off me for feeds/changes, tried to kiss him when she gets cold sores, stormed out of the house in a huff when she was politely asked to be a little calmer, kept turning up unannounced and as part of other family’s short ‘meet baby visits’ and then when we wouldn’t give her DH’s shift pattern so she could schedule constant visits/calls, she’s steadfastly ignored DS (now an older toddler) and DH for over 2 years I think now.

You’re the most important person and what you say goes in that very long moment! Whether they know you’re in labour or not has no bearing at all on their future relationship with a child who a) won’t even be physically born to have a relationship with and b) doesn’t have a clue who’s around them for a good while after anyway.

It’s not like you’ve asked how you tell your IL’s you don’t want to see them after you’ve given birth so posts to suggest otherwise are reaching a fair bit.

SillySausage81 · 23/01/2023 15:12

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to know either (and they didn't). I don't know why, I just feel weird about it... everyone talking about me and speculating, possibly demanding updates from my DH... I just think it's an extremely private thing.

SillySausage81 · 23/01/2023 15:19

SerafinasGoose · 23/01/2023 11:22

Disappointing that this sensible outlook seems to be very much the minority voice. In this situation the mother is the patient. As PPs have pointed out it's the father's child too, but she's the one shoving a melon-sized baby through her pelvis, absorbing the tears, stretches and stresses on her body, and taking 100% of the hormonal hit. Her wishes and needs are paramount. If ever there's a time any woman is entitled to put herself ahead of all others - yes, including her husband's - it's now. But true to predictable form, Mumsnet is gleefully telling another woman she should be putting everyone else's needs before her own.

I say no to that. Telling people when she's in labour isn't going to affect the time it takes the baby to arrive: instead it will detract her birthing partner's attention from her as he responds to the inevitable messages asking for updates. The grandparents will know everything they need to know soon enough. What they don't need is a blow-by-blow account of OP's medical situation. She's a human being - entitled to the dignity of her privacy if she so chooses - not an empty vessel or an incubator.

For me, in the event something did go wrong with the birth, DH and I wanted no one but each other. His mother barely knew me yet was demanding she be allowed to sit around at the hospital whilst I went through labour. Thankfully he (politely) told her to piss off. Had he not been on the same page I can't imagine how I'd have felt.

OP, all the best for a safe delivery. What you don't need now is others' demands creating unnecessary stress for you. YANBU. At all.

Show quote history

100% everything here.

aloris · 23/01/2023 15:26

"Baby and I had to stay in for a week, in-laws stayed at our house until the day before discharge. When I got home all the batch cooked dinners had been eaten."

Wow, that's awful. Instead of helping, they used up your resources. I'm so sorry.

SillySausage81 · 23/01/2023 15:30

Ursula82 · 23/01/2023 07:22

And sowing some pretty negative seeds between you and your husband

Show quote history

What's sowing negative seeds is the husband insisting on telling third parties about his wife's medical situation when she's asked him not to. It didn't even cross my DH's mind to tell his family when I went into labour, as he was way too busy driving to hospital, and then supporting me, rather than texting people. His parents and mine all found out a couple of hours after the baby was born, once everything had calmed down, when I'd been stitched up and changed into a non-blood-stained nightie, the baby had had her first breastfeed, DH had had a good skin-to-skin cuddle, they'd done all the check-ups etc. and we finally had a moment of calm. I don't see why there was any need to involve third parties before that point. No one was offended they hadn't been told earlier, as they understood we were just a little bit busy, and DD has a great relationship with all of her grandparents.

For the next baby, MIL is coming to stay to look after older DD, so obviously she will know when I go into hospital, but I see no reason why my own parents or anyone else needs to know until the baby's here.

Ursula82 · 23/01/2023 15:31

aloris · 23/01/2023 15:26

"Baby and I had to stay in for a week, in-laws stayed at our house until the day before discharge. When I got home all the batch cooked dinners had been eaten."

Wow, that's awful. Instead of helping, they used up your resources. I'm so sorry.

Was this OP’s husband not present whilst his parents were scoffing the food?!

OoooohMatron · 23/01/2023 15:32

So what if you are being unreasonable. You're the one giving birth so quite frankly what you want is the only thing that matters.

maddy68 · 23/01/2023 15:36

Yes you are being ridiculous

Copasetic · 23/01/2023 16:24

I've got 2 daughters but think you are being unreasonable. If my daughter said only I was going to be told I would tell her she wasn't being fair to her in-laws or her husband and that she should be very careful of treating both sides separately. Both my mum and MIL are no longer alive but I was very wary of this when I had my children.

DeadbeatYoda · 23/01/2023 17:01

Ask this question in front of a midwife and let your DH see the answer they give. It's your labour and if you don't want to face the prospect of unwelcome visitors as soon as you have given birth then you have every right not to let them know until after the birth. Any midwife worry their salt will tell your husband the same.

DeadbeatYoda · 23/01/2023 17:04

Throwncrumbs · 23/01/2023 09:39

You are concerned more about you pets than your husbands feelings? Yep, give it a few years op will be on hear asking about cms!

Seriously? Some people will take any opportunity to make a snide comment. Some of these replies are bonkers.

Ursula82 · 23/01/2023 17:09

I don't get why people aren't happy with that to be honest

who cares about people.
the one person you should care about is your DH who thinks you’re being “ridiculous”

in the much loved mumsnet phrase,.. you might want to use your maternity leave to start getting your “ducks in a row”. Because I suspect this marriage will be in free fall at some point in the next few years

Blueisthecolor · 23/01/2023 21:52

I assume there is other issues as otherwise yes it's unreasonable! It's his parents so it's natural he wld want them to know.

SillySausage81 · 23/01/2023 22:15

Blueisthecolor · 23/01/2023 21:52

I assume there is other issues as otherwise yes it's unreasonable! It's his parents so it's natural he wld want them to know.

Not necessarily. I didn't even want my own parents to know, let alone his.

Newmumfeb22 · 23/01/2023 22:18

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable if you feel uncomfortable about it. You have to be 100% relaxed!

is it their first grandchild? Maybe they’re just very excited to meet them! :) good luck

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