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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 22/01/2023 18:49

nokidshere · 22/01/2023 18:47

@Cuppasoupmonster

Hilarious

I was thinking more about how disjointed people seem to be. No proper communication, no sharing of lives, every little thing picked over and analysed.

Although to be fair I think it's probably a Mumsnet thing, I don't know any people in real life who behave as they appear to do on here.

In a lot of cases I agree, but labour isn’t trivial and seems to inspire so much drama and inter family competition. Like weddings.

JudgeJ · 22/01/2023 18:50

Whatmarbles · 22/01/2023 10:46

Haven't RTFT;

In laws - damned if they care, damned if they don't care.

Don't see why your parent's trump dh's parents in knowing, disregarding the pet reason.
All seems a bit mean spirited.

But isn't that the MN default setting, her in laws are evil and to be kept at arm's length, his in laws are angels and welcome any time and of course he has to afree they are, thus 'supporting' his wife.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/01/2023 18:54

My MIL is a retired midwife and I know she will want updates during labour

You could have done with including that in your first post, OP

Of course it's your labour - though your OH's child too - but while I'd normally have no issue myself in telling them you'd gone into hospital, it's a bit different if she's going to be in touch all the time, offering unwanted suggestions and so on

Would it work for your OH to simply say you'd been admitted then to switch his phone off?

texenstar · 22/01/2023 18:54

You are not being unreasonable. We didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour and I would not have wanted anyone to know either. You are the one doing the work of birthing the baby so you get to choose what you are comfortable with. All the best with your upcoming labour xx

Catzby · 22/01/2023 18:59

Your labour, your choice! You tell the people you need to and are comfortable with knowing that information. It's not like they're the Royal family and need formal notification!

Tell them when you're ready. Labour is hard as it is and you don't need prying on top of that.

Sending you good labour vibes!

DemelzaandRoss · 22/01/2023 20:33

I agree completely with Greyhave. Common decency. Mothers of boys beware.

AnotherEmma · 22/01/2023 20:42

PenguinX · 22/01/2023 18:47

I've read through all the replies just now, thank you for all the supportive posters.
I'm a very quiet, private person. I haven't even announced pregnancy on Facebook or anything like that because I lost a baby at the start of last year and until I have a happy, healthy baby I don't want people I knew at uni years ago or people I used to work with messaging me.
My MIL is a retired midwife and I know she will want updates during labour, about what pain relief I'm having, about birth injuries etc. I don't want a single person apart from my husband to be privy to that information at any point.
Labour is not a social event, everyone will meet baby when he is born. I don't get why people aren't happy with that to be honest

Sorry for your loss, OP Flowers
I wish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and for the birth of your baby, hope all goes as smoothly as you can be, and that baby is healthy.
You are right to prioritise your own needs and wishes. If PILs and others don't agree or understand, that's their problem not yours.

Crunchingleaf · 22/01/2023 20:50

You are perfectly entitled to keep your labour private. Especially if you don’t want annoying messages looking for updates. It takes as long as it takes and once baby arrives it’s lovely to just focus on the three of you for awhile before the phones start hopping. I know the PIL are excited and all that but sometimes there can be medical interventions and do you really want to be bombarded looking for updates if situation turns stressful.

Badgirlriri · 22/01/2023 20:53

Soontobe60 · 21/01/2023 21:35

Put it another way - you’re telling your DP that he cannot tell his own parents that his baby is about to be born.
What a great way to start a grandparent / grandchild relationship.

This.

Renlea · 22/01/2023 21:05

Why post on here to ask AIBU when you've no interest in anyones view on it? Makes no sense.

MeridianB · 22/01/2023 21:19

YADNBU OP. It’s your choice.

What on earth is the point of your MIL knowing labour details? Is she planning to advise on your medical care via mobile?

Ursula82 · 23/01/2023 07:21

Renlea · 22/01/2023 21:05

Why post on here to ask AIBU when you've no interest in anyones view on it? Makes no sense.

8/10 AIBU threads are exactly the same.

Ursula82 · 23/01/2023 07:22

Badgirlriri · 22/01/2023 20:53

This.

Show quote history

And sowing some pretty negative seeds between you and your husband

Glitterblue · 23/01/2023 08:25

I think if you're telling your own mum, it's only fair that your partner can also tell his parents. They're as much grandparents to your baby as your own mum is.

I'm also a very private person and I was admitted at 25 weeks with severe pre eclampsia. I took a severe turn for the worse and my (widowed) FIL was in the city for some other reason, and he was so worried about me when DH updated him, that he came to the hospital to see me. I really appreciated that and appreciated his support, even though I was feeling horrific and had the headache from hell.

I had to have an emergency c-section a few hours later and he stayed around in the hospital during it but didn't tell us until afterwards - he was just so worried about me and the baby and of course wanted to support his son, so he saw him after my c-section. He didn't see DD until the next day, DH saw her that afternoon but FIL wanted to wait till I'd seen her myself, which was the next day, and he and my parents all came to the hospital together. He said to my parents to go first and then he went (only 3 were allowed at the incubator so DH went with my parents then with his dad). Perhaps I'm particularly lucky with my FIL because he's so lovely, but I didn't mind at all having him visit me when I was so poorly before having DD and I didn't mind being told he'd been there in the hospital while I was having DD.

pelargoniums · 23/01/2023 09:33

I think if you're telling your own mum, it's only fair that your partner can also tell his parents. They're as much grandparents to your baby as your own mum is.
But labour isn’t only about the baby, unless we’re considering mothers just the meatsack that delivers the baby. Labour and birth are about the mother; she’s the patient. Of course once the baby is born, grandparents should be considered equally (assuming no issues with boundaries, NC, bad behaviour etc), but not before.

It makes no difference to the grandparents whether they find out about OP’s labour; it does make a difference to the OP. Her feelings take priority here – she’s the one who has to do the literal labour, mental and physical, of delivering the baby. Far better that she goes into it relaxed and happy, with her wishes met, than tense and anxious just to meet some arbitrary idea of “fair”. Why does her private medical status need to be fair to her in-laws?!

Throwncrumbs · 23/01/2023 09:39

You are concerned more about you pets than your husbands feelings? Yep, give it a few years op will be on hear asking about cms!

xogossipgirlxo · 23/01/2023 09:43

It's your choice, but as long as both mum and PIL don't bombard you with texts (they can text/ring husband instead), I think it shouldn't bother you this much? Depends if they're pushy or rather discrete people?

Ursula82 · 23/01/2023 09:43

Throwncrumbs · 23/01/2023 09:39

You are concerned more about you pets than your husbands feelings? Yep, give it a few years op will be on hear asking about cms!

Without a shadow of a doubt

xogossipgirlxo · 23/01/2023 09:44

xogossipgirlxo · 23/01/2023 09:43

It's your choice, but as long as both mum and PIL don't bombard you with texts (they can text/ring husband instead), I think it shouldn't bother you this much? Depends if they're pushy or rather discrete people?

Also, I think you could put your phone on plane mode and husband could check his phone once in a while when he pops to the loo/gets a coffee? There's always a solution respectful to both sides.

Cuppasoupmonster · 23/01/2023 09:49

I still don’t get why family on either side need to know if you’re in labour though? If you heard your relative was in labour then nothing for 12+ hours, you can’t say you wouldn’t be a bit anxious/concerned - why put people through that wait? Much better to just get the happy news that the baby is born and everyone is well (hopefully) isn’t it?

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/01/2023 09:51

Cuppasoupmonster · Today 09:49
I still don’t get why family on either side need to know if you’re in labour though?“

We needed my MIL for childcare. Very helpful she was, too.

Cuppasoupmonster · 23/01/2023 09:52

@MrsSkylerWhite that’s slightly different though. I mean just telling people for the sake of it.

purpledalmation · 23/01/2023 10:59

I think you need the advice of your MIL if she is a retired midwife. Personally knowing how short staffed and overworked the midwifery service is I would have her with me. Not in the room all the time but at intervals to check and ask questions and advocate for you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/01/2023 11:04

Cuppasoupmonster · Today 09:52
@MrsSkylerWhite that’s slightly different though. I mean just telling people for the sake of it”

Fair enough. Still would have told her, though. But then I’m not OP with her reasons.

Even if I were, though, my husband’s wishes would have equal weight to mine. Hey ho, we’re all different.

Velvian · 23/01/2023 11:07

This is something private that is happening to OP, not to her DH. 'fairness' does not come into it.

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