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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws to know when I go into labour

321 replies

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:29

I am due to have my first baby next month, my PIL said today they want my husband to let them know when I go into labour. This makes me very uncomfortable but my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous.
My mum will need to be informed when I go to hospital because we need someone to come to our house to feed our pets but for some reason I'm not happy about anyone else knowing.
Am I being unreasonable thinking like this?

OP posts:
Mamamia32 · 21/01/2023 22:18

PenguinX · 21/01/2023 21:36

It's not that my in-laws are nightmares, I just don't want as few people involved as possible. It's not a spectator sport and I don't want all my husband's relatives messaging or putting anything on social media until I have baby in my arms. When my niece was born I wasn't told until she was a few hours old and I wasn't upset about that

Then I would maybe tell the in laws when you go into labour, but ask them not to tell anyone else or put any pictures/announcements on Facebook?

My family still aren't allowed to post pictures of my son online and he's six years old.

daisymade · 21/01/2023 22:18

Yeah you’re being precious and a bit of a twat to your DH.

Rightsraptor · 21/01/2023 22:20

I'm really surprised by some of the blunt comments here. Why are you lot so judgemental?

OP, do what feels right to you. It's a curse of the modern age that we are in touch all the live long day. I remember finding out about the birth of cousins when we got an announcement card, often a week or more after the event. I still think that's the best way.

I bet your DP does tell his parents, but so long as they absolutely do not phone or message every bloody half hour to see 'how you're doing', turn up wherever you are in labour or post about it on SM, I think you'll have to deal with it as best you can after the event.

When I was a midwife it drove me potty with all the damn calls and texts pinging for bloody hours. It's spectacularly unhelpful to your labour too, so get your DP to turn his phone off once you are ensconced in hospital or wherever.

Best of luck.

rattlinbog · 21/01/2023 22:20

Oh I totally get it! It's completely up to you

Awk · 21/01/2023 22:28

Is it judgemental replying to a post on MN where the OP has asked for opinions, people are giving their opinions whether they agree or disagree. Is that not what MN is for?

WandaWonder · 21/01/2023 22:29

Rightsraptor · 21/01/2023 22:20

I'm really surprised by some of the blunt comments here. Why are you lot so judgemental?

OP, do what feels right to you. It's a curse of the modern age that we are in touch all the live long day. I remember finding out about the birth of cousins when we got an announcement card, often a week or more after the event. I still think that's the best way.

I bet your DP does tell his parents, but so long as they absolutely do not phone or message every bloody half hour to see 'how you're doing', turn up wherever you are in labour or post about it on SM, I think you'll have to deal with it as best you can after the event.

When I was a midwife it drove me potty with all the damn calls and texts pinging for bloody hours. It's spectacularly unhelpful to your labour too, so get your DP to turn his phone off once you are ensconced in hospital or wherever.

Best of luck.

My ils were called from a pay phone when I was in labour then once the baby was born

There is nothing wrong with that, sure constant contact is OTT and mobiles should be banned until back on the ward

PollyPut · 21/01/2023 22:31

I would tell them that DH will contact them when there is important news. That gives you a little leeway to decide closer to the time depending on how you feel (and what you decide is important at the time). ILs were not on my mind with the first birth. They were for second birth as we needed to have childcare planned for the birth.

If you say won't tell them, they might start contacting your DM regularly which will be awkward for her.

FlamingoCroquet · 21/01/2023 22:40

I didn't tell my own parents when I went into labour, let alone the in-laws. It's entirely your choice.
The posters who don't understand it can't imagine other families being different to theirs.

bakingmummy21 · 21/01/2023 22:43

YANBU. Telling people you are in labour potentially invites regular request for updates and “is the baby here yet?” Which you really don’t want. Labour can last a long time. Totally up to you if you don’t want to tell them and tbh I think it’s unreasonable of them to ask to be told.

Bookkeys · 21/01/2023 22:47

You won't care who knows when you're in the middle of labour

Pick your battles op, it's not worth building up the resentment

ouch321 · 21/01/2023 22:48

Power tripping.

Tsk.

BogRollBOGOF · 21/01/2023 22:50

With DS1 I had a 40hr labour over the majority of a weekend. News leaked out because several family members rang their regular phone calls and after 24 hours of regular contractions and approaching the stage of needing pain relief, it was pretty hard to hide breathing through the pain every few minutes. So family knew and there followed a long night, and long morning of no news until we could contact them early afternoon on the way to HDU with news of the birth. I could barely talk through most of the process let alone send alarming updates about how it was all unravelling.

Second time we managed to only tell the friend that was looking after DS. Fortunately it all went far quicker with a bit less drama, through the night and family woke up to find news of baby's arrival.

Constant updating is a modern phenomenen anyway, barely 20 years old. Go back before the mass use of mobile phones and parents weren't spending labour on payphones to keep their nearest and dearest up to date. When there was a cluster of close family babies in the late 90s, it was a phonecall with the news at about the toast and tea stage. There was no expectation of knowing thar labour had begun.

It was less stressful knowing that it was purely need to know and that there wasn't people sitting around fretting with no positive updates to give for 15 hours.

Ultimately birth is an intense physical (often medical) process for a woman to go through and it's her comfort and stress level that is paramount and can assist it to go smoothly.

HeddaGarbled · 21/01/2023 22:50

I think your husband should be allowed to communicate with his parents about this if he wants to.

Redglitter · 21/01/2023 22:52

I.dont see the big deal.in not telling them. There's nothing to be gained by telling them.

When my eldest niece was born noone knew my SIL was in labour, we only found out when my brother phoned to say my niece had been born

When her sister was born noone knew my SIL was in labour apart from.my parents and that was only because they had to look after DN1

Noone took offense. Noone was at all bothered. Do what you want not what others want

Deut28 · 21/01/2023 22:54

We had a WhatsApp group so we could update all close family at the same time with the same information to try to reduce the communications burden and avoid competition. Long induction so we did lots of 'don't worry if you don't hear anything for the next 12 hours' type messages. Even so my PIL were trying to call my DH for updates in between. He didn't answer obvs, but it was still really annoying. And my parents told me afterwards that they found it hard to sleep/concentrate waiting for updates (I did say I was rather busy at the time). I wish we'd kept quiet from the start but I think even then they would have noticed something was up.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/01/2023 22:54

This thread is full of classic 'well this is what I did and if it's different for you then YABU' responses.

Until the baby is actually here, there isnt a baby for anyone to have a relationship with as such, it's a medical process and if you're a private person then and you'd prefer it kept private then its totally up to you. If your husband needs support from something going wrong then a. It's unlikely and b. His parents are still likely to be able to provide that without advance knowledge of labour.

Relatives can be shit in a crisis. I love my mum and I'm close to her but she is a stress head and knowing she was mega worried about what was happening, and answering messages from her to try and reassure her that I was ok, did not help in any way whatsoever and I regretted her knowing, it would have been slightly less stressful

HildasLostSock · 21/01/2023 22:55

I don't blame you. I didn't tell my parents when I went into labour (they were out of the country on holiday anyway) but if I had I would have been receiving messages every hour (or less if they couldn't restrain themselves) from them asking if baby is here yet. I wouldn't want the distraction I had enough going on! My in laws are more chill, but I didn't tell them either because you don't know how long it will be and it's a distraction or would be for me anyway. Also once when a work colleague went into labour (she started mat leave a week before going into labour, its not like it happened at work) people were asking how many cm dilated she was etc and that put me off too - I don't want anyone (other than medical staff) discussing my cervix even if I don't know about it!

Whydotheyallhaverubbishwheels · 21/01/2023 22:56

@PenguinX I didn't tell anyone when I went into labour. I hated the texts and pressure I felt before my due date and the relentless 'is baby here' and just wanted to tell them when baby had arrived instead. You do what feels right for you.

qwertykeyboards · 21/01/2023 22:57

Grow up. Nothing wrong with him telling his parents his child is coming into the world.

halloumi1 · 21/01/2023 22:57

YANBU.
I was the same as you but opposite - we had to tell dad in law so he could get a key to sort out our dogs. Everyone else got told a bit after he’d arrived and is what we’ll be doing this time too and if we need a hand with DS.
My mum asked to be told when I went into labour with DS and I just didn’t bother - we’re not close and her and my gran are incredibly dramatic / panicky people who’d just make everything worse. My gran also apparently just turned up at the hospital when my mum had had me. They’re already sending me messages now begging me to let me know as soon as I’m ‘safe’.
It also makes me feel a bit weird in the back of my mind, everyone sitting there waiting for the message to say it’s over!

Do what makes you feel comfortable, it’s your baby, your labour and don’t feel judged for doing what sits right with you.

Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 23:00

I don’t think it’s hard to tell him he can’t tell his own parents. Labour can be long and drawn out, what if he needs to chat to someone? Just tell him you don’t want to hear what they are saying or asking.

Chickychoccyegg · 21/01/2023 23:01

I never actually thought of saying to dh not to tell his parents, I text my parents when I was away to hospital, and im sure dh probably text his too, you'll be too busy to ask who dp has or has not messaged, and though it's your labour, its also his baby and if he wants to let his parents know baby is on the way then he can, your totally over thinking it.

lipstickwoman · 21/01/2023 23:01

Well it's clear then your PIL are the second rate grandparents, to be tolerated and not included the same from the word go.

Have you thought your husband may want to share news with HIS parents about HIS child the same as you do? May even appreciate their support?

Reinventinganna · 21/01/2023 23:05

I can’t remember who (if anyone) we told with our eldest. The younger ones we must have told people as we would have needed childcare.

Maybe a compromise would be a simple text to say the babies on the way but an agreement beforehand that you won’t be updating again until the baby arrives and that they must keep it to themselves?

AnotherEmma · 21/01/2023 23:08

YANBU at all and I'm unimpressed (but shouldn't really be surprised) at the sheer number of people posting nasty critical comments.

Your body. Your choice whether to tell people when you're in labour, and who to tell. If it's a very long and drawn out process, and you and DH feel the need to talk to people about what's happening if you would like some moral support and are confident they will give it while respecting boundaries, then perhaps you will decide to tell them. But if someone asks in advance to be informed? That's a bit of a red flag. No.

FWIW, both times I gave birth it was fast and we didn't tell anyone I was in labour (well, except with DC1 i'd been due to meet a friend for coffee so I messaged her to cancel while DH was driving me to hospital in the early hours, and with DC2 our local friends had agreed to look after DC1 for us so they obviously knew, but that was it). So we only told our parents after the baby had been born. If the labour had been long and drawn out, we might have felt differently, who knows.

I've known about close relatives going into hospital for induction and was very anxious about them each time - if it was my child and grandchild, I don't know if I'd want to know tbh! Unless there was something I could do to help.