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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4th baby at 43?

246 replies

Ctu24agent · 19/01/2023 21:35

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 19/01/2023 21:38

Personally, 43 would be too old for me but I accept lots of women have kids at this age. I personally think your DH is too old but I suppose it depends on how he is in himself.

ThreeLittleDots · 19/01/2023 21:40

I would consider you to have a big family already, and wouldn't be able to cope with another, especially if they had additional needs

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 21:41

43 is too old for me too, especially as your DH is older too. But plenty of people do. Obviously chances of a disability are very high, I’d be considering how that would impact my life and if I could also cope with demands of another young child and menopause looming in the not so distant future

VladmirsPoutine · 19/01/2023 21:42

It would be a no for me too but given you have a 1yr old and you're 43 then not sure what your hesitation is given it didn't hold you back just under 2 years ago.
You'll be knackered but you already know all of that. Ultimately it's your choice though.

Member869894 · 19/01/2023 21:42

Go for it. Your child will be loved. Thsts what matters

VainAbigail · 19/01/2023 21:42

It wouldn’t be my age that I felt was as much concerning but I would be concerned if my husband was 56 and wanted another child.

Periodlate · 19/01/2023 21:43

You have a 1-year-old, so it won’t be too much of a shock starting again! So why not give it a try?

Whatslovegottodowithit88 · 19/01/2023 21:44

As you already have a 1 year old, I'd say go for it. Close age gap.

But I personally wouldn't have one at 43. I stopped at 2, in my 20s. I'm almost mid 30s and feel tired all the time as it is haha

Loics · 19/01/2023 21:44

It's a personal decision, really. No way would I consider a baby at or even near 40, but many do. 56 does seem quite old to have a newborn though, he'll be retiring with a young teenager...

AngelicInnocent · 19/01/2023 21:45

Nope, higher chances of disabilities.

Higher chances of something happening to you during pregnancy or birth and leaving current DC without a mother.

Each year that goes by increases the likelihood that your young DC will lose a parent young or have to take on some kind of caring responsibility whilst young.

JuneWind · 19/01/2023 21:45

Eesh. I’d never want to tell another woman how to do her fertility. But as you asked! For me 43 is probably pushing it, but that’s your choice. However your DH being 56 is what would make me say no (personally). For me, I wouldn’t be happy to take the risks when I already had 3 children, and wouldn’t want a 4th child to have a dad at retirement age when in primary school!

Lialou · 19/01/2023 21:45

56, so when they are like 15 at school your DH would be 72....personally I think too old!

riotlady · 19/01/2023 21:46

I wouldn’t. Your risk for the child being disabled is higher because of your ages and you already have a child with additional needs- I would worry about the impact on them if they had a younger sibling who had a high level of needs as well.

alltheevennumbers · 19/01/2023 21:47

To quote William Blake, 'you never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.'

stairgates · 19/01/2023 21:49

I had my last surprise jut shy of 44 and tbh I adore every ounce of him but I am slowing down and my brain is slowing down, all of a sudden I just feel old and the thoughts of all the years of school runs ahead of me gives me the dreads but I will do it with grace for him. I would advise against it.

Justgorgeous · 19/01/2023 21:52

Had my last at 44. I’m tired but she keeps me young. Go for it !

Sucessinthenewyear · 19/01/2023 21:58

The risks for Mum and new baby would be too high for me. Add in 4/5 yrs time your child with ASD going through puberty (often more challenging for kids with ASD) and dealing with 3 yr old tantrums. Average male life expectancy is late 70, I wouldn’t want a kid in uni dealing with a parent in a care home. It wouldn’t be no for me.

Kitkatfiend31 · 19/01/2023 22:31

Think carefully about where you will be in 10 or 20 years time. I am 53 and suffering with menopausal symptoms including insomnia. Caring for a primary age child would be really really hard for me at the moment. The other issue is your financial stability and hope to retire. We will soon need to fund university for our DD which will be hard but achievable. Will you be able to do that at 73 years old? Would you ever be able to retire? Coping now is one thing but coping in the future is another.

VestaTilley · 19/01/2023 22:34

YABU; your DH is far too old.

Jarstastic · 20/01/2023 08:43

With your 1-year old you are probably best to know!

id think about the finances though. They just start getting expensive from mid teens. Including dh, we are basically feeding and clothing a few adult males (maybe more as they eat more than him!) then it’s uni support.
Throw in one or more needing private school, extra tutoring etc and you may feel like you are on a hamster wheel when you are in your mid 50s your husband mid 60s

BigMadAdrian · 20/01/2023 08:55

Sorry, but I think you both too old. I also wouldn't put any more pressure on my time and energy with an autistic dc - two of mine are autistic, both are high functioning but they have needed me a lot in their teens. They are both in the house as I type this - one home schools (because the social pressures of secondary school made her suicidal) and the other is off school because he had a meltdown last night and needs a mental health day.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 20/01/2023 09:00

My DH is 60 and retired...I can't imagine him running around after a toddler (assuming it takes a little while).
I'm 50 and menopausal. I don't sleep much, short fuse, can't remember a bloody thing...I'd hate to be responsible for a young child (I can just about manage a cat) but 5 yrs ago I was perfectly fine and could multi-task with the best.

I'd say be happy with the kids you have.

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/01/2023 09:01

Absolutely fine idea because you are very, very well off right? All the insurances in place, loads of savings so when your dh retires in 10 years you can easily afford 3 teens? Plenty of money to buy in support if child 3 or 4 turns out to be autistic too?

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 09:01

Yabu. No one needs 4 kids. You have one with special needs and you are both too old. Mind over hormones.

Turquoisesea · 20/01/2023 09:02

Don’t underestimate the difference in tiredness between early 40s and mid 50s and you will be right in the throes of menopause and perhaps dealing with elderly parents and teenagers! Also if your DH was the same age as you I would maybe say it’s doable as you already have a 1 year old but I personally couldn’t image anything worse than dealing with teenagers in my 70s!

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