4th baby at 43?

[Ctu24agent]

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

Just to add, as I mentioned OP, I was your age with a one year old. My eldest child was 13 at the time.
Honestly, focus on your children. Your 15 year old will need some serious support now and in the next couple of years. You need to really show up as a parent because his/her future success is being shaped now. I mean this kindly and I speak from experience. A levels require a lot of parental emotional support… and then applying for uni and all of that…
Baby number 4 could kick you to the kerb, energy/health-wise.

My friend is 42 and she has 2 under 2 & loves it! Go for it x

Op has a teen. And by that logic, should we only have kids at what, 16 year intervals so we see what life was like with a teen before we have another??

People have large families for lots of reasons. It doesn't mean you're superior if you only had one or two.

Well that’s fine for your friend but she hasn’t gone through the teen years in her 50s yet. Presumably neither has SEN and her husband also may not be 56. It’s not the same for everyone.

I had my 2nd at 41 and third at 43 with a 9 year gap since #1. Might as well be hung for a lamb and all that! I would say I need to be more careful about getting my sleep but otherwise I'm calmer now which helps with the small gap, but now they are 2.5 and 4 we are SO pleased DS2 came along. They play, share, entertain each other and fight, like a little duo which is lovely after DDs fairly lonely start which involved endless 'watch me mummy'.

There's plenty of people who love to bang on about how dreadfully old you'll be but there's also plenty of evidence that older mums tend to live longer, be emotionally and financially more stable and with the big gap provide lots of cousins, nieces and nephews for a lovely family experience. It certainly was normal in my grandmas generation to have your last in your 40's. So pros and cons either way. As a woman, you will never be in the right anyway...too young, too old, too poor. Being 60 with a late teen is hardly elderly! Tell my 68 year old mum she's old and see where that gets you 😂

I have plenty of friends and relatives who have though - not all 55 year olds are creaking around in their slippers!

As a woman, you will never be in the right anyway...too young, too old, too poor. Being 60 with a late teen is hardly elderly! Tell my 68 year old mum she's old and see where that gets you

To be fair it's the dad's age most posters seem to be commenting on - he will be inescabably old by the mid-late teen years. I'm sure the OP's buggered off anyway though, so it doesn't matter.

So those alluding to the DH being too old to be a good Dad to no 4 realise he's already 56 with a 1 yo, so will be 70 with a 15 yo whether there's also a 13 yo or not. They've ready made a decision to be older parents and are happy with that choice.

YABU, you are both too old and you already have three kids who will need you and your time for many, many more years.

Yeah, that’s what Im thinking. Maybe the two kids will grow up nicely together. Wasn’t really great having older parents and siblings, but as they already have one who’s 1, may be totally different.

Doesn’t make much difference

I cannot think of anything worse but I have four and I'm only 32.. the thought of dealing with this chaos at 43 brings me out in a cold sweat. If you're up for it, crack on! I'd be a bit worried about your husbands age though.

Yes, it seems they've already made that choice. Of course, if people already think that's a dubious decision it's consistent to not advocate doubling the problem with another child in quick succession.

No it isn't? A 70 year old with a 13 and 14 year old? The financial burden of that is quite something, without the very real possibility of them losing their father in their late teens/early twenties.

My dad is 65 and really active, helps walk my dog when I work and actively helps with childcare for his grandchildren (12, 3 and 8 months) but the idea of him having primary school children at home still is insane.

That's all on top of the high risks of pregnancy/birth/disabilities for mum and baby.

Why would you even risk it when you already have three?

The same could be said for some strangers on line telling her to go for it, not being right. When all is said and done, it is down to the OP, and her husband. They are the ones who will have to deal with an extra child, if they have another, and all that it could entail. Not the posters urging her to 'go for it'.

You've also got three risk factors for SEN going on. Advanced maternal age, advanced paternal age, and child no 2 is already diagnosed. Child no 3 may well turn out to have SEN too when a little older. Under those circumstances, there is absolutely no chance I would roll the dice on having multiple DC with additional needs who would invariably suffer from a lack of time and resources to meet said needs.

43, ok at a push. 56 - way too old

I had my second at just turned 43, I am fit well and active. But I do think it’s too old, yes! I am very aware that I am at an age now where this is all quite exhausting and I am only going to slow down further. And more than that, there are interests and hobbies I would like to pursue just for me at this age, and it’s hard to do with work and young kids.
Given your ages and the fact you have a child with autism, I presume you have an increased risk of another with autism too, is that something you feel you have the resources to support, especially as your third and fourth will be young and close in age ( presumably)?

Whatever you decide, make sure it’s 100% your decision. Do not be swayed at all by your husbands desire for a fourth. You need to be 100% sure it’s what you want.

@Ctu24agent

more than two children is questionable on a global scale.

I am 57 and not creaking around in my slippers. But getting older is real.

It is your choice.
I would consider though how you would balance the impact of the needs of your older children with two babies/toddlers. When I have seen this scenario play out the older teenager just gets very little parental input and left to get on with it.
Also consider your own parents and your DPs parents and if they are getting to an age where they need more support. Balancing the needs of struggling parents with children is hard.
But it might all work out okay. Who knows.

I don't think anyone should be having 4 kids let alone given your circumstances

Also, I’m 50 and you need to really factor in the very real risk of one of you dying, and leaving the other to manage alone with a large family. I have heard people call the 50s sniper Alley due to the deaths, but the 40s have been like that me. I have had two close friends die in their 40s, two acquaintances, one colleague, four of these five leaving young children behind. A further friend die recently in his very early 50s and a close neighbour terminally ill with young children. And I haven’t even added in all the friends of friends. All of these people were fit and well before they weren’t.

At this age, 40 plus, people start dying. And that rate is only going to increase.

Madness IMO, even though you already have a 1yr old. You could be 45 by the time another baby is born, your husband 57 or 58. Now I don't want to sound morbid but realistically he might still be alive by the time these kids finish high school. Do you have financial arrangements in place to cope with potentially being a single parent, do neither of you fancy retiring before you hit 70?? Also, you already have an autistic child and it's not clear if that's what delayed you trying for baby no3 but could you cope with a disabled child because the risks are much higher at your age.

I’m 37 weeks pregnant with a surprise 4th baby at 43. It’s taken me a long time to get my head around it tbh….and we always wanted a big family. I think the reality of my age when the baby is a teen is scary. I know they will be loved and cherished and we are in a good position financially but I definitely feel more apprehensive than with my other 3.