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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4th baby at 43?

246 replies

Ctu24agent · 19/01/2023 21:35

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 20/01/2023 09:51

I wouldn’t. Putting aside the increased risk of disabilities etc, there is a really good chance you try and don’t succeed. It will take longer to conceive, then there is an increased chance of miscarriage, and then where does that leave you? 44 and wanting to try again?

2chocolateoranges · 20/01/2023 09:51

wouldn’t be for me and your partners age would be the biggest deterrent for me. He will be 60 soon looking to retire and still have primary aged children.

my dd’s friend hated that she had the oldest dad out of all her friends. Her dad retired when she was 12. Most of her friends dads were early 40’s. Still working.

Underhisi · 20/01/2023 09:52

Not something I would do at 43 if I already had children. I would feel like I was pushing my luck. You chances of having a baby will also be lower than they were even a couple of years ago.

Emmamoo89 · 20/01/2023 09:53

Go for it 😊

mumoffourminimes · 20/01/2023 09:53

Meh, it's your body, your life, your choice therefore you can not be BU here.

I am bias though because I'm absolutely loving snuggly 4th baby cuddles at the moment. I was 36 when I had him though.

Theluggage15 · 20/01/2023 09:54

Ignore the gormless ‘love is all you need’ posts. Such crap. Personally I think you’re too old and your husband is way too old. You talk about having a large family but the age gaps are wide, it’s like having two separate families almost.

1994girl · 20/01/2023 09:56

Yabu

Slimjimtobe · 20/01/2023 09:56

Your body your life

but you did ask - no would be the answer from me. you dh is heading for his 60s
you have one child with asd and being genetic it could lead to another child being likely to have additional needs but also due to age

HelloJan · 20/01/2023 09:56

If you didn't have any kids I would have said go for it. But in your situation - YABU.
57 with a newborn is too old, imho.
Having a baby at 44 is also old-ish.
And you have 3 kids already, one of them barely a toddler! Be happy with what you have!

snowlolo · 20/01/2023 09:57

There are two big reasons why I would not, in your shoes:

  1. You already have a 7 year old with special needs, and your 1 year old maybe too young to say if they might have any emerging.
    Autism is common in children of older parents - it could also affect any more children you have. Even if it doesn't, 4 children where 1 has special needs is going to be very difficult to manage when you are in your 50's and 60's.

  2. I do think your DH is too old really. Assuming you fall pregnant quickly, best case scenario, he will be 70 when your child is 13. My grandparents were younger than that when I was 13. This is going to be difficult for your child and it seems unfair that they will have such an old dad/ won't get much time with him in their adult life.

I know it must be hard wanting another child but I think you need to consider your family as a whole and the impact of this on all of your current children and the potential baby. Personally I know around 3 families of this size and none of them seem very happy because there are just too many children, even when the parents are young they can't keep up with them all. I wouldn't recommend it.

IhearyouClemFandango · 20/01/2023 09:58

Member869894 · 19/01/2023 21:42

Go for it. Your child will be loved. Thsts what matters

That's not all that matters.

I wouldn't OP. You have three, you're both getting older. No-one needs 4 children. I say that as a mum of 3.

And your husband is 56. My dad had taken early retirement by 54! I actually think it would be quite selfish to have another now, who knows what health issues could be around the corner.

havemybreakfastthen · 20/01/2023 09:59

I had my third and final child at almost 42.

Ten years later I am shattered and menopausal.

They are dearly loved,
I have no regrets and they want for nothing but my energy levels are low and they don't get to do as much as their older siblings did at the same age.

AlwaysLatte · 20/01/2023 10:01

Go for it! My husband was 59 when we had our last and he retired the following year so he's spent loads off quality time with them, played football with them, etc. I wouldn't let those ages put you off (although I wouldn't go any later personally).
Remember that you will be doing the late night pickups and uni runs in your mid 60s!

bonzaitree · 20/01/2023 10:01

I think you can try. You may find biology has decided for you, or you may find yourself with a bundle of joy!

More worried about your DH age. I would have a meeting with him. Get all your financial paperwork out and make a financial and practical plan A if you conceive and plan B if you don’t conceive.

You both need to be happy with both plans.

Crazycrazylady · 20/01/2023 10:04

Honestly I wouldn't. Your risks of having another child with sn are higher given your husbands age and the fact that you already have a child with asd.

Dramaalpacas · 20/01/2023 10:07

you Would have a very high chance of a child with SEN given your age and already having a child with autism. Autism wouldn’t have presented yet in your 1yo so you might end up with 3 children who have autism. Depending on the individual child they may not be able to live independently at all. What happens to them when you and DH are gone??

bbqchickenandsalad · 20/01/2023 10:07

I wouldn't. I had older parents and didn't enjoy it. One died and the other didn't have the energy for the type of things my peers parents were doing.

You could end up with young children and a DH you need to care for.

millymog11 · 20/01/2023 10:09

OP I am curious about this part of your post about the age of the children you have with your husband "(15, 7 and 1)"
If you wanted a big family (as you say in your original post) is there a reason you left it up to 7 years of a gap between each of your previous babies?

Lollylamb · 20/01/2023 10:13

How are you feeling at the end of the day with a 1 year old, a 7 year old with autism and you and your partner's ages? If you're already tired at the end of the day I really wouldn't think having another is a good idea.

Additionally, you never do think it will happen to you, but with your and your partner's ages the risk of disabilities is really very high.

ParentsTrapped · 20/01/2023 10:15

I don’t think I would. ASD risk increases with age of parent (especially the father) and is already increased as you already have at least one child with ASD (poss your 1 year old may have it too).

My friend’s dad was 45 when she was born and developed dementia at 70. Now in his 70s he doesn’t know who she is and his mum is a full time carer (she is 5 years younger). If this was you you’d still have a 13 year old at home.

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 10:16

This isn't anyone else's decision but you and your husband and perhaps your "older" children.

Judgyjudgy · 20/01/2023 10:17

I'd normally say no, but given you have a 1 year old and sounds like you both really want it and can afford it ... why not

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/01/2023 10:20

There is no need for anyone to have four children, honestly. Age is also a troubling factor (although you have a 1 year old so I guess that ship has sailed).

GooglyEyeballs · 20/01/2023 10:21

Go for it OP. It's your life and just because some strangers online tell you not to, doesn't mean they're right. I know lots of women who had babies in their 40s and they are so happy.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/01/2023 10:23

I am bias though because I'm absolutely loving snuggly 4th baby cuddles at the moment

Comments like this are maddening. You can’t justify having a child - a lifelong commitment - on the basis of “snuggly baby cuddles” FFS.

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