4th baby at 43?

[Ctu24agent]

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

People are so selfish about parenting ages these days. I understand if you have been trying for years/have no children/only just found the right man and are desperate to have ONE child.

you have three!!!! You have plenty of children, at least one has special needs this is batshit to even contemplate.

Totally up to you. A family of our friends has a similar age profile. Bear in mind that with one little kid you still have an “older” family atmosphere and the little one fits into that, but if you have another the balance will shift and you’ll really be starting again from a toddler-dominated household. As many others have said, make sure both you and your husband have the energy for that.

You will get the “ you tar selfish brigade “ , the what if you get twins that are born without a head “ brigade and the “ you are too old “ brigade .
my honest advice : if you can afford it without removing comfort from your other kids , go for it !!
good luck 😉
I also have a 19 year old with autism, 6 year old and 1 year old and thinking about a 4th at 41 . Life is to short to let others judge you

No, I wouldn't. You already have 3 dc which is a large family I would say.

We are similar ages - I am 46 and DH 57. We have both got more tired in recent years. DC are 9 and 11. DH doesn't have as much energy or patience these days and I don't think we'd have coped if we'd left it any later - plus DD1 has ASD, Dh has depression, and now our 80something parents are all having health problems. You don't know what life will throw at you so I wouldn't risk it at those ages.

Selfish ?? To who ? You for not fitting your ideal of a family ?

Thanks for all the replies, certainly makes for interesting reading!
To answer a few questions..

There’s such a large age gap between them for two reasons. First age gap was due to struggling to conceive and recurrent mc. Second age gap was to ensure financial stability, which we now have.

Dc with ASD is high functioning (I hate that term) but used to illustrate that their SEND needs aren’t huge above our NT child. (yes I do know this may be different as they age)

The two older children would like another sibling.

We used to foster teenagers long term, so are aware of all extra help emotionally and physically they require..

If I’m honest, I’d really love another… but its the associated risks with our increased ages that keeps me wavering.

Thanks again for all the replies.. ☺️

You are spot on

My husband is the same age and we are currently expecting number 2. He is fantastic hands on father. Yes you can look at it that he will be in his 70s when our kids are teenagers, or you can look at it that he will be retired and have all the time in the old to do anything our children wish to do with him. As someone who grew up with a dad that was always at work, I know having him around will be a huge benefit to our children.

To their own children. For reasons mentioned many times over on this thread

Perhaps you are right. But I also know as I get older I do have less energy. I live an active life anyway, but the change does creep up on you and it does take more willpower to be as active as I used to be naturally. And it is scary seeing people your own age dying. And not the people you would choose would die if you had to guess when younger.

Autism is linked to older fathers. Men think it’s only women with a biological clock - it isn’t. Any man over the age of 40 has a higher chance of having a child higher up on the autism spectrum. I’d consider your chances high for having another child with autism. We don’t know where your current child falls on the spectrum but I would consider that

This kind of comment is so ridiculous. I'm sure your 19 year old Autistic kid will just love his mum being consumed with a newborn. Don't be a selfish dick.

yes she does actually ! You clearly do not know my child , you have a preconceived idea ! My 19 year old adores her siblings and was extremely happy and it really benefited her . Everyone involved with her care said and agreed so . Just because people like you have this perceived notion autistic people hate others or need constant care doesn’t make it true .

My autistic dc are both very high functioning in terms of intelligence, self care and so on, but have both had mental health difficulties in tweens and early teens. It is very hard and they need me much more than they did when they were younger. It has zapped my energy significantly and I am only 40!

In the spirit of not being completely negative, my dc are a huge comfort and support to one another, but we did have them (and another sibling, who is awaiting assessment…) before we knew anyone was autistic. It runs in families. I understand the feeling of wanting a big, happy family, but there is no way I’d risk having another dc - another dc could be much more profoundly autistic which would impact on us all significantly.

I totally understand the desire. But regardless of your decision you can’t kid yourself that ‘age is just a number’ when it comes to fertility. You are far more likely to suffer pregnancy loss or have a baby with complications, when you are so lucky to have 3 wonderful children I wouldn’t consider putting myself, or them through those risks. Enjoy your older children rather than missing half of it trying to raise more of them. 2 toddlers means the teen will not get as much attention. Enjoy your children and put the baby stage behind you OP!

Just to add it does depend on you as people as well. I have a friend who has five children, one with significant SN who appears to relish the chaos and enormous amounts of work, and accepts not being able to do anything that does not involve caring for her kids except working for years and years.

I think you’re both too old seeing as you already have three children, especially you’re husband.

They’re not - I have no children and am very content with that choice. I have no guilt whatsoever about not bringing someone into the world to suffer what it’ll be like trying to just exist in 30-40 years. Let alone bringing in 4 people!

What age do you think retirement is? Lol

you literally proved this post by showing you are just passing in your own judgment to other .

@WineDup The OP won't have a child until her husband is 57 at the very earliest. His state retirement age is 67. The child would be ten and still in primary school.

I completely misread the husbands age, haha!

Although most people I know who are in that age bracket are still in very good health to be fair.

If you only got financially stable recently what would happen if anything happened to your dh (I’m assuming he’s the breadwinner). This really is madness.

The post suggested that those who are negative about people with large families are just jealous because they’ve been unable to have them.

How does me saying that I’m very happy not having children prove that poster right?

Of course I’m passing judgement based on my own experience - we all do, even though with large families(!).