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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4th baby at 43?

246 replies

Ctu24agent · 19/01/2023 21:35

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

OP posts:
Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 20:24

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/01/2023 20:19

Having children is an inherently selfish act, don’t know what you’re getting so up in arms about it?

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I completely disagree. Im up in arms that people can be so vile to people they don’t even know, absolutely no need for it

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/01/2023 20:26

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2023 10:59

At what age do kids get a vote on their parents reproductive rights? So you ask consent from the 7 yo now but what about when he was 5 two years ago? Did anyone ask first born if they consented to a sibling? Should we all leave a gap so the older ones can give their approval or have lots of babies in quick succession so they're too young to know better?

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At what age should adults make a sensible decision that considers their other children?

Sometimes women (because it mainly is women) should recognise that their hormones are making them broody but that it wouldn’t be a good idea for however many reasons. Being older parents, already having multiple children - both are good reasons to say no, let’s make the decision with our head not our heart.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/01/2023 20:31

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 20:24

I completely disagree. Im up in arms that people can be so vile to people they don’t even know, absolutely no need for it

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How is it unselfish to have a child? What possible reason than ‘I want to have a baby’ could be acceptable?

TheMagicDeckchair · 20/01/2023 20:35

As a twin mum who had twins at 41, I have to also point out the multiples risk increases with age. I only had one older child and once we found out it was twins we knew we could stretch to 3 children. But one of the many reasons I won’t try for a 4th is because I don’t want 5 or 6 kids! The thought of another multiple pregnancy and birth and the strain it would place on my body puts me right off.

Twins are amazing but twin pregnancy/newborns/toddlers are not for the faint-hearted.

Not saying don’t do it but just plan for all outcomes! Could you manage 5 children?

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 20:35

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/01/2023 20:31

How is it unselfish to have a child? What possible reason than ‘I want to have a baby’ could be acceptable?

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A million reasons but I shall give you one - not everyone who has a baby wants a baby so therefore it is not selfish

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/01/2023 20:52

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 20:35

A million reasons but I shall give you one - not everyone who has a baby wants a baby so therefore it is not selfish

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What? It’s not selfish to have a baby because some people have babies they don’t want?

You might want to try one of the other million reasons as that one doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Jacketandbeans · 20/01/2023 20:56

I think you should go for it. You've already got a 1 year old, so you know what to expect and how you feel. Also with older parents it will be nice for your youngest to have a sibling close in age. As long as the finances are in place, then it's actually nice for children to have multiple siblings. There's a view on Mumsnet that multiple siblings is bad for children as it's less attention from the parents but I think a large family can be a wonderful thing for the children and one on one attention is overrated.

KimberleyClark · 20/01/2023 21:35

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 20:35

A million reasons but I shall give you one - not everyone who has a baby wants a baby so therefore it is not selfish

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Are you talking about surrogates or people who prefer to put their baby up for adoption rather than terminate? If so that’s a completely different scenario.

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 22:48

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/01/2023 20:52

What? It’s not selfish to have a baby because some people have babies they don’t want?

You might want to try one of the other million reasons as that one doesn’t make a lick of sense.

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Obviously not to you, but that’s no surprise….

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 22:49

KimberleyClark · 20/01/2023 21:35

Are you talking about surrogates or people who prefer to put their baby up for adoption rather than terminate? If so that’s a completely different scenario.

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I’m saying that not every baby is planned - so therefore it’s not as clear cut as ‘I want a baby’ so how is that selfish

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 23:00

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 22:49

I’m saying that not every baby is planned - so therefore it’s not as clear cut as ‘I want a baby’ so how is that selfish

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The OP is thinking of planning to have a 4th baby at 43. So back to the point, do you think it could be selfish for OP to choose to have another baby?

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:12

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 23:00

The OP is thinking of planning to have a 4th baby at 43. So back to the point, do you think it could be selfish for OP to choose to have another baby?

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The question was never wether the OP is selfish or not - the OP asked the question “4th baby at 43?” So not actually back to the point. And actually no of course I do not think the OP is selfish for wanting a 4th child! What I do think is that it is none of my business and certainly not yours either, the OP was just asking question and didn’t deserve to be called “fucking selfish”

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 23:15

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 20:35

A million reasons but I shall give you one - not everyone who has a baby wants a baby so therefore it is not selfish

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Whaaaat? What kind of stupid mental gymnastics is this? I can't even...

How many do you have @Moonriver79 ?

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 23:16

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:12

The question was never wether the OP is selfish or not - the OP asked the question “4th baby at 43?” So not actually back to the point. And actually no of course I do not think the OP is selfish for wanting a 4th child! What I do think is that it is none of my business and certainly not yours either, the OP was just asking question and didn’t deserve to be called “fucking selfish”

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She’s asked for opinions, she wants to hear them, yeah it’s none of our business but it’s also the whole point of the site! If you take out the swear word (which isn’t really necessary as this isn’t a childrens site), saying it’s selfish is an opinion which is what the OP asked for.

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 23:17

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 22:49

I’m saying that not every baby is planned - so therefore it’s not as clear cut as ‘I want a baby’ so how is that selfish

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Not every baby is planned, but unless you didn't you know you were pregnant until week 24, you made the conscious decision to keep the pregnancy. So your point is...?

Sakura7 · 20/01/2023 23:20

VainAbigail · 19/01/2023 21:42

It wouldn’t be my age that I felt was as much concerning but I would be concerned if my husband was 56 and wanted another child.

This ^

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:20

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 23:17

Not every baby is planned, but unless you didn't you know you were pregnant until week 24, you made the conscious decision to keep the pregnancy. So your point is...?

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Then how is that selfish????

headache · 20/01/2023 23:21

I’m a mum of 4 I had my last at almost 35 though. My body is totally wrecked having four babies, it’s hard now they are all teens too.

It’s really no one else’s business but you and your DHs, only you know your situation, your finances, your sanity etc. if you want another have another

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/01/2023 23:22

@Moonriver79 Do you literally think that people can only be selfish if they plan to be? That if no thought goes into something then it can’t be selfish?

I’m not the only one struggling to understand you so might I suggest I’m not the problem here?

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:22

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 23:16

She’s asked for opinions, she wants to hear them, yeah it’s none of our business but it’s also the whole point of the site! If you take out the swear word (which isn’t really necessary as this isn’t a childrens site), saying it’s selfish is an opinion which is what the OP asked for.

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But the question never was “am I being selfish?” She never asked for a whole heap of shit piled on to her

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 23:24

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:22

But the question never was “am I being selfish?” She never asked for a whole heap of shit piled on to her

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She also didn’t ask for you to derail the thread with your ‘some people don’t plan babies so that’s not selfish’ crap either. You aren’t even helping the OP you are arguing a totally different point.

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:25

fitzwilliamdarcy · 20/01/2023 23:22

@Moonriver79 Do you literally think that people can only be selfish if they plan to be? That if no thought goes into something then it can’t be selfish?

I’m not the only one struggling to understand you so might I suggest I’m not the problem here?

Oh please! 🙄

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 23:25

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:20

Then how is that selfish????

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It's selfish because no baby asks to be born. The decision to have one I'd entirely about you, what you want. You can't be altruistic towards a being who doesn't exist.

Sakura7 · 20/01/2023 23:26

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/01/2023 09:31

I think that a lot of the discouraging comments about larger families/age/having babies comes from people justifying their own decisions and abilities with regards to how many children they have. E.g. prioritising careers and having children later, childcare costs, what they feel they can manage and possibly unrecognised regret that they couldn't/didn't have the amount of children they'd have liked.

What about those of us who have been the child of older parents? Are we allowed an opinion.

43 is pushing it but 56 is just wrong. It's not fair on the child.

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 23:26

Coffeellama · 20/01/2023 23:24

She also didn’t ask for you to derail the thread with your ‘some people don’t plan babies so that’s not selfish’ crap either. You aren’t even helping the OP you are arguing a totally different point.

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It’s not me that’s derailing……🤣