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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4th baby at 43?

246 replies

Ctu24agent · 19/01/2023 21:35

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 20/01/2023 09:03

Rather you than me.

BiologicalWoman · 20/01/2023 09:04

It's a nope from me, your husband is nearly 60. Some people are grandparents at that age. My Mum is in her late 50's and struggles with the energy of my baby and she is young at heart, goes to festivals and has dance classes every week. If you're prepared to effectively be a single parent raising both your young babies then I'm sure it's fine. Your husband will be nearly 80 when they go off to Uni. You both might become a burden to your children when they are young adults. A few of my friends who have older parents are having to care for their elderly parents instead of enjoying their young lives. I personally think it's quite selfish.

You already have 3 children, I would stop at that.

Moonriver79 · 20/01/2023 09:05

Member869894 · 19/01/2023 21:42

Go for it. Your child will be loved. Thsts what matters

Exactly this!

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 09:05

Member869894 · 19/01/2023 21:42

Go for it. Your child will be loved. Thsts what matters

No, that's not all that matters. Kids need resources in the form of individual time and attention, emotional availability and patience and money.

Each additional kid stretches all these resources even thinner. There are only 24h in a day and only two parents, no matter how well intentioned you are.

Not to mention special needs in one kid.

Maybe the 1 year old might also be autistic.

Maybe the new baby would be disabled.

Majorly selfish to put broodiness over the best interest of your existing kids.

LadyKenya · 20/01/2023 09:08

No, I would even think about it. Your youngest is only 1 years old as well.

FluffyFlower · 20/01/2023 09:08

Go for it if you are in good health and can afford! Some women are trying for their first one at that age these days!

astronewt · 20/01/2023 09:09

You already have 3.

You're well into your 40s.

Your husband would be pushing 60.

You already have a child with SEN.

Your chances of another child with SEN would be very high.

It's a nope.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/01/2023 09:13

Menopause and teens are a horrible combo. I had my last of 3 when I was 39. My eldest is now 21 and has asd and is quite impaired by it meaning he still needs a lot more support than his peers. My dd is 14 and going through all the associated teen angst. I'm a single parent, 54 this year and it's tough. I too wanted 4 but I'm glad I didn't because navigating the teen years is harder in some ways - certainly emotionally/ and I say that as the mum of an ND kid who was quite the challenge when he was little. Personally, I would stick with what you've got and give yourself a break. But only you can decide what's truly right for you, so good luck whatever your decision.

BigMadAdrian · 20/01/2023 09:13

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/01/2023 09:01

Absolutely fine idea because you are very, very well off right? All the insurances in place, loads of savings so when your dh retires in 10 years you can easily afford 3 teens? Plenty of money to buy in support if child 3 or 4 turns out to be autistic too?

This is also a very good point. CAMHS support is utterly shit, but is nonexistent if a dc is diagnosed with autism. We pay privately for dd's mental health support and it is very expensive.

astronewt · 20/01/2023 09:14

And the naiveté of saying that love is all that matters... Most mothers whose children are removed by the courts love them desperately. Or what they think is love. That doesn't stop them leaving their children with terrible, terrible damage.

Anchorwanker · 20/01/2023 09:14

Member869894 · 19/01/2023 21:42

Go for it. Your child will be loved. Thsts what matters

This is bollocks and constantly used by the hard of thinking to justify all sorts of fertility stuff.

purpledalmation · 20/01/2023 09:18

Going on 44 would be too old for most people. Also the risk of autism rises with age. Fine if you are prepared for this.

ohdearydearieme · 20/01/2023 09:28

God no. Too many reasons to mention.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/01/2023 09:29

The age negatives trump because you already have other children- It’s a no from me, YABU

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/01/2023 09:31

I think that a lot of the discouraging comments about larger families/age/having babies comes from people justifying their own decisions and abilities with regards to how many children they have. E.g. prioritising careers and having children later, childcare costs, what they feel they can manage and possibly unrecognised regret that they couldn't/didn't have the amount of children they'd have liked.

Spck · 20/01/2023 09:35

Please don’t - your dh is far too old.

BigMadAdrian · 20/01/2023 09:36

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/01/2023 09:31

I think that a lot of the discouraging comments about larger families/age/having babies comes from people justifying their own decisions and abilities with regards to how many children they have. E.g. prioritising careers and having children later, childcare costs, what they feel they can manage and possibly unrecognised regret that they couldn't/didn't have the amount of children they'd have liked.

I think a lot of the discouraging comments are from people who are realistic about the challenges of having dc as older parents and who understand the realities of parenting dc with autism. I haven't seen many negative comments about family size - most comments are focusing on the two points above.

FairyLightAddict · 20/01/2023 09:37

No way. Teens are hard bloody work.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/01/2023 09:39

I must admit I find the decision to have kids with such huge age gaps odd. A 15 YO (who'll probably be 16 at the time their sibling's born) will be more of an uncle/aunt figure than a brother or sister. It's not good or bad it's just... such a different dynamic to contemporaries. The youngest may not even have a memory of them living together.

LadyKenya · 20/01/2023 09:44

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/01/2023 09:31

I think that a lot of the discouraging comments about larger families/age/having babies comes from people justifying their own decisions and abilities with regards to how many children they have. E.g. prioritising careers and having children later, childcare costs, what they feel they can manage and possibly unrecognised regret that they couldn't/didn't have the amount of children they'd have liked.

Not all of them will be because of the reason that you have listed. Maybe some posters understand that things can change very quickly. The OP, and her husband may be in good health for now, for example, that could change just like that. Yes that could happen at any age, but more likely when a person is older. The Op already has children, the youngest being 1 years old. That child will need raising, as well as the others.

LaLuz7 · 20/01/2023 09:45

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/01/2023 09:31

I think that a lot of the discouraging comments about larger families/age/having babies comes from people justifying their own decisions and abilities with regards to how many children they have. E.g. prioritising careers and having children later, childcare costs, what they feel they can manage and possibly unrecognised regret that they couldn't/didn't have the amount of children they'd have liked.

No... It really does not take cognitive dissonance in order to recognise that for most families having 4 children would stretch resources too thin and that kids would not get adequate amounts of individual time and attention. And that a special needs kid also put disproportionate pressure on those resources. And that it's unfair to roll the dice on bringing another special needs baby into the mix, when you are already high risk given ages and precedents.

I have exactly the amount of kids i've always wanted, which is zero. No swlf validation here at all.

ArcticSkewer · 20/01/2023 09:46

You have one with autism, quite possibly two (the one year old), and could have another
Plus your husband is ancient.

I would have stopped at two but would definitely stop at three.

Your middle child could be extremely challenging in the teen years and need a lot of attention - as would your younger child if that was the case. It's no fun being the sibling at times like those.

GotAnyGrapez · 20/01/2023 09:46

Your DH is far to old. Focus on the children you have.

astronewt · 20/01/2023 09:49

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/01/2023 09:31

I think that a lot of the discouraging comments about larger families/age/having babies comes from people justifying their own decisions and abilities with regards to how many children they have. E.g. prioritising careers and having children later, childcare costs, what they feel they can manage and possibly unrecognised regret that they couldn't/didn't have the amount of children they'd have liked.

🤔 Right. People who have more DC than they really have resources available, OTOH, make pure, unsullied decisions and never justify them.

TheVanguardSix · 20/01/2023 09:50

I wouldn’t. I too had a one year old baby with a 56 year old husband when I was your age. I get it! But…
He’s 56. You’re 43. You’re entering the age where your good health can pull a fast one, believe me!
What else is in life’s menu?
Focus on what is real and present.
At a certain point, we must accept the truth that the things you want in life you have to really need.

3 is the magic number. Enjoy your children and don’t get lost in the wishing well. You’ll miss what’s right in front of you.