4th baby at 43?

[Ctu24agent]

Ok, so I’m fully prepared to get roasted here, but before you do, please hear me out!

We have 3 gorgeous kids (15, 7 and 1) I’m 43, hubby is 56. Both in good health. We’ve always wanted a large family, but for one reason or another… it didn’t happen easily. Hence the large age gaps.
(D7 has autism)

In an ideal world we would LOVE another one.

AIBU to try for another? We can afford another child, but are we too old?
I've gone backwards and forwards with this. Hubby is 100% for another.

wwyd?
yabu… you’re too old
nbu.. go for it, age is a number!

Exactly this.

And how would your 7 and 15 year old feel about not one but two under two in the house with them? Have you asked their views?

My dad was 57 when I was born and he's now a very frail old man who can't leave his house.

Throughout my teenage years he was retired, and spent all day at home alone (or on the occasional meetup with other retired men) while my mum worked long hours to maintain the household.

Now i'm 32, he can't come to visit his grandkids, can't take them for walks, can't even drive (his eyes are failing).

I love him to bits of but I'd never deliberately choose this outcome with my own husband. Especially as you just never know what health issues are going to crop up over the next couple of decades.

What about what matters for the child that would be?? Do people not consider how they would feel having old parents? My parents were older and I was deeply embarrassed about it growing up. And what about how the child feels to be left without their parents from a young age after theor death. It's selfish in my opinion.

Had my third at 43 ... and a fourth at 46. All happy, all healthy, all provided for. If it suits your situation, go for it!

I personally think 56 is problematically old to have a child. The odds are not in favour of your fourth child having a father very far into their life.

I think a lot of posters on here plan big families because they haven't thought about GCSE's, A levels, UCAS, universoty fees, teen mental health, house deposits, driving lessons etc...They are just thinking about cute little babies. But babies may end up with depression and anxiety and special needs.

The economy is in free fall. You may be well off but likely you may not always be. Can't believe your DH wants to work till his 70s.

Also climate change..... Though on MN people will immediately ask anyone bringing that up if they drive or eat meat or fly. I don't drive or eat meat and fly very rarely ( just to clear that up).:)

Sorry op but i think you have your hands full already and with your DH only 4 years away from being 60 i think it would be unfair/selfish to have another baby. By the time you get pregnant and give birth your DH may be 58. I think 43 is getting on for a woman to have a child too. That's just my personal opinion though. I had 7 by the time i was 30 so to me 43 is way too old to consider having a child. I consider myself too old now and i'm only mid thirties!

Another no from me too. It's not about you, it's about the child you're bringing into this world. Count your blessings with your other 3 and go enjoy life with them.

What a ridiculous thing to say!

They need parents with earning potential, to pay for food, clothes, a roof over their head, plus many many other things.

My sister loves her children, but she hasn't been a very good parent, and my nieces have not had good childhoods, but that's ok, because she loves them 🤔

Why do you want another one?
Is your husband expecting to retire in less than ten years?
Don't you think maybe this is a hormonal surge as your youngest is 1?

I don't think you should, personally. There's posts up there saying 'it's your life' - well, it's not just yours. You already have three kids, one with additional needs.

I think you should make your peace with this and not. You'll be having one because you want the baby stage to continue and that's not a great reason to do it.

It's also maddening when people say 'no-one needs 4 children'. You could say that about any number of children, you don't 'need a child' and just because society has settled on 2.4 children being the acceptable number, does not take away the feeling of wanting another which is often driven by hormones tbh. I get it op, I often think about having another but I do think you need to think through the realities of your own personal situation. We don't know how financially stable you are, how much time, energy, support you have etc. I wouldn't personally at your age and especially your dh's age, but you do already have a young child so you've already had another in a situation most people wouldn't have. I also wonder why you've left such big gaps? Having two close together is much harder than big gaps in terms of energy levels. I'd personally just try and enjoy the children you have and not push your luck.

No one needs 4 children because of climate change. Not society. Course you could just have none but most people arent willing to do that, and even one less Western child makes a huge difference.

just because society has settled on 2.4 children being the acceptable number, does not take away the feeling of wanting another which is often driven by hormones tbh

Of course it doesn’t. But luckily we’re not mindlessly driven by hormones but have higher reasoning and logic to guide us. So we can look at our situation and assess what’s best for the existing kids and, yes, the planet (the environment our kids will have to live in).

I believe it’s immoral to have another child in adverse circumstances simply “cos hormones”. It also does women an utter disservice.

My mum had me at her early 40s, while my dad was 46.
had a huge gap between my siblings though, so I also felt like the only child.
I would say they’d raise me pretty well but due to the generation gap it was harder and still is hard for them to understand things.

i also got bullied in school, constantly being asked if they were my grand parents or why my parents were so old.
i didn’t know what to say at the time being a child… I just envied other kids parents for being young. Wanted my brother to collect me, as he was younger ( but tried to
hide it from my parents as didn’t want them to be upset).

now I am 29, starting a life kids for myself as I said I don’t ever want to be a older mum. However, now my parents have health issues age related, so have to also take care of them while trying to live a life myself. It’s hard.

whereas my other siblings didn’t have to go through that, as my parents were younger when they had them. Even was able to help with their childcare which was a bonus.

but you already have young children so if you do decide to have a another one it may be completely different experience for them.
Also there are more older mums at this age and stage than there were 29 years ago, so may be different.

I think given you've got a 1 yo the gap isn't that large, but I'd set a time limit on trying.

DSis is about to have her 4th, hers are 24, 21 and 6 so even wider gap, she's 44.

It hasn't been an easy pregnancy but tbf neither were the ones when she was in her 20s. I had twins at 38 with zero issues.

*Would you have liked to be 17 with a 60 year old mum and an 83 year old dad?

Nah, thought not.

Don't be so fucking selfish*

Incredibly rude.
Also, how do you arrive at those numbers?

DSis is about to have her 4th, hers are 24, 21 and 6 so even wider gap, she's 44

Woah. A 24 year gap between oldest and youngest is pretty crazy.

I'd have had another baby at 43 but couldn't actually get pregnant.

Rude. No need

Yes clearly anyone with more than 1 child is an idiot who think babies are just pipped put for cuddles before moving on to the next one and leaving the older ones to raise itself in the basements.

At what age do kids get a vote on their parents reproductive rights? So you ask consent from the 7 yo now but what about when he was 5 two years ago? Did anyone ask first born if they consented to a sibling? Should we all leave a gap so the older ones can give their approval or have lots of babies in quick succession so they're too young to know better?

I didnt say they are idiots. I said they haven't weathered the teen and YA years when things get a million times harder. Life is going to be v hard for the young of today. They will likely be living in our basements!

Brave.