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Original poster

Wwyd overheard office bitching session

310 replies

WhaleTanker · 19/01/2023 19:44

I work in an office. I am at the top of the management structure in our office, along with 6 other people who are the same level as me. I am the newest member and only female in this group.

We each have our own projects going on which we manage independently of each other, and then there are some office level projects, staff management, recruitment etc that we all do as a group. We are all accountable to central management which is located in another office, but we are not activley monitored by anyone because we are basically at the top level ourselves.

4 of the 6 leaders decided to have a very bitchy and nasty conversation in an open space in the office about me. I was just around the corner eating my late lunch. I heard every word. it was about 10 mins long. Anyone else could have heard it too, although to be fair I am not sure there was anyone else. Beside the point, anyway.

I am so hurt to hear those things. My heart was beating so hard, I felt sick and I was trying to decide whether to make my presence known and go for confrontation. They dispersed just as I had decided to move and thereby let them know I was there.

What do I do now? Let them know I heard their conversation?

What they did was awful. Had they done it privately, I wouldn't know about it. I am not saying people can't talk about colleagues, obviously they can and do. Just that it sgould a) be more constructive/professional and b) shouldn't be in an open, public space where others can hear. Or do the adult thing and tell me to my face they have a problem so it can be addressed. What they were saying was just nasty stuff and not an actual thing I have done wrong.

If I confront them, it will be horrible and possibly make things worse. Not sure I have the strength to go through massive amounts of confrontation. One of the people in particular is someone who resolves issues through open combat (perhaps that is the best way?). I shy away from conflict if I can.

Or do I say nothing and carry on with festering resentment and hurt?

There are 2 leaders who were not part of this. I don't want to start getting "sides" going. Do I somehow involve them? How?

HR is an option, but in the office structure, we the leaders are basically above them, so it would have to go the the HR person in Central management. That will cause world war 3.

This behaviour needs calling out, I know that. If I as a senior person can't call it out, how can the junior people be expected to speak up.

But how do I do it?

OP posts:
minidancer · 19/01/2023 19:46

No advice but I'm so sorry this is happening to you

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/01/2023 19:47

Oh God, how horrible. You poor thing. The things they were saying, were they personal or were they to do with your job?

watchfulwishes · 19/01/2023 19:48

The first thing to do is write an accurate record of exactly what happened, with names and precise quotes. This will be hard but important if you are to take it any further.

Then you can just reflect for a little and take care of your emotional wellbeing before deciding what to do.

How awful. Really sorry this happened.

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/01/2023 19:49

Are you in a Union? They may be able to advise.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 19/01/2023 19:50

Could you send an email to the other team leaders saying that a conversation was overheard at xx time where people said X Y and Z about a team leader. Don't say who heard it or who the team leader being bitched about was. You want to withhold those details to respect confidentiality atm.

Ask the others what do they think should be done - should it be escalated to HR or should be dealt with at a local level?

I should add this is just my idea. I'm not an expert in this field - someone more experienced might have much better suggestions.

It sounds like a horrible experience. I feel for you.

EVHead · 19/01/2023 19:50

What do you mean by “cause world war 3”?

If I were you I’d write down what I’d heard before I forgot the details. Then talk to my union rep tomorrow. So unprofessional of them!

PermanentTemporary · 19/01/2023 19:52

Just a handhold. I don't have any advice. Don't act hastily and take care of yourself - spend time with people who love and support you.

idonotmind · 19/01/2023 19:52

Problem here is it that it would be their words vs yours.

I don't suppose you recorded them?

idonotmind · 19/01/2023 19:53

I guess it was 4 blokes bitching?

If I were you, I would keep quiet. And I would be keeping all my cards extremely close to my chest. You can't trust anyone, ever

violetcuriosity · 19/01/2023 19:54

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 19/01/2023 19:50

Could you send an email to the other team leaders saying that a conversation was overheard at xx time where people said X Y and Z about a team leader. Don't say who heard it or who the team leader being bitched about was. You want to withhold those details to respect confidentiality atm.

Ask the others what do they think should be done - should it be escalated to HR or should be dealt with at a local level?

I should add this is just my idea. I'm not an expert in this field - someone more experienced might have much better suggestions.

It sounds like a horrible experience. I feel for you.

Great suggestion

MajesticWhine · 19/01/2023 19:57

That's terrible. If that happened to me I would speak to my immediate manager about it. Even if they are not on site they have a duty of care to you and to support you.
These people definitely need to be called out and challenged on their very unprofessional behaviour. I think it would be a brave thing to do to ask for a meeting with them and tell them what you heard and talk through the issues. It would be better to do this with support though, not on your own.

AdamRyan · 19/01/2023 19:58

I think I'd talk to them all individually, starting with the most "friendly". Say what happened - its awkward but you overheard their conversation and it was upsetting. And that if there was an issue you'd prefer them to raise it with you.

By the time you get to "least friendly" the others will have told him.

I bet they will be mortified and apologetic.

MarshaMelrose · 19/01/2023 19:59

This happened to me. They were moaning that I'd been unfair in how I'd allocated work. They didn't see me standing behind them.
I just interrupted them and said I'd given them what I believed to be the easier workload but if they'd prefer to swap with me, I was happy to give them my workload for theirs. I was calm with a puzzled and keen to please air. They declined. For them I think the embarrassment of being caught was enough.
If I were you, I'd wait til you're calm and then I'd go speak to each one separately and say you'd heard them talking about you and you wondered if they'd like to address it with you personally because you'd hate it if you'd inadvertently upset them.
You've got to seem polite and interested, though. No aggression.
Save nuclear options for nuclear situations.

AnekeSchuss · 19/01/2023 19:59

Document it along with any other incidents as they occur. Don’t confront unless given an obvious opportunity to do so (and if you can be dispassionate in challenging them).

Lostmyway86 · 19/01/2023 20:00

Write it all down while it's fresh in your head.

Then decide what you want to do after you've slept on it. I hope they're all stewing worrying about you overhearing.

Was it an attack about your work, personality or anything else?

I'd be tempted to contact HR, but at the same time not sure I'd want all the angst of that if I loved my job. Is there anyone you could confide in, a colleague who you view as a friend?

IJustDunno · 19/01/2023 20:02

Sorry this is happening OP - not nice.

Firstly how long have you worked there?
Secondly was it 4 males talking about you?
Finally you HAVE to log this with HR even if you decide not to escalate.

It’s evidence of bullying/sexual discrimination etc. at work. If they are so unprofessional they’ll do this in the open, what else are they doing and capable of?

I’ve been a senior person (also only female) who had to blow the whistle on bullying. It was shit but I’m glad I did as I have integrity and won’t let myself or others be treated that way. I’d take to HR and gauge their response before deciding my next steps. As the very least it needs to go in their record. There’s no way I’d confront them in person or in email, too much opportunity for them to all collude and change stories etc. Proceed with caution with these dickwads.

NSA2103 · 19/01/2023 20:06

MarshaMelrose · 19/01/2023 19:59

This happened to me. They were moaning that I'd been unfair in how I'd allocated work. They didn't see me standing behind them.
I just interrupted them and said I'd given them what I believed to be the easier workload but if they'd prefer to swap with me, I was happy to give them my workload for theirs. I was calm with a puzzled and keen to please air. They declined. For them I think the embarrassment of being caught was enough.
If I were you, I'd wait til you're calm and then I'd go speak to each one separately and say you'd heard them talking about you and you wondered if they'd like to address it with you personally because you'd hate it if you'd inadvertently upset them.
You've got to seem polite and interested, though. No aggression.
Save nuclear options for nuclear situations.

This.
Well said, MarshaMelrose!

MavisTheMonkey · 19/01/2023 20:09

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I would send an email to the four of them along the lines of:

  • I overheard your conversation at lunchtime
  • I do not think your personal comments about me were an appropriate discussion to have in an open space in the workplace, please refrain from doing so again, about me or any colleague, as it's extremely unprofessional
  • if you have an issue with me on a professional basis please let me know and I will be happy to discuss it with you
  • I won't escalate this on this occasion but if this type of unprofessional behaviour happens again I'll involve our area management team

I wouldn't escalate it- although they are clearly in the wrong as I think as their peer and part of the senior management team you need to be able to handle this yourself in the first instance. Especially (unfairly) as there will likely be a layer of misogyny if you report them where they see you as a whiny female who runs to the boss / HR at the drop of hat.

unsync · 19/01/2023 20:14

Are they threatened by having a female in their midst?

LongRoadtoNowhere · 19/01/2023 20:17

MavisTheMonkey · 19/01/2023 20:09

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I would send an email to the four of them along the lines of:

  • I overheard your conversation at lunchtime
  • I do not think your personal comments about me were an appropriate discussion to have in an open space in the workplace, please refrain from doing so again, about me or any colleague, as it's extremely unprofessional
  • if you have an issue with me on a professional basis please let me know and I will be happy to discuss it with you
  • I won't escalate this on this occasion but if this type of unprofessional behaviour happens again I'll involve our area management team

I wouldn't escalate it- although they are clearly in the wrong as I think as their peer and part of the senior management team you need to be able to handle this yourself in the first instance. Especially (unfairly) as there will likely be a layer of misogyny if you report them where they see you as a whiny female who runs to the boss / HR at the drop of hat.

I think I’d do this as well. I’m really sorry you had to hear that, it must have been awful. But you’ve got an opportunity to show that not only will you not put up with behaviour like this, but you’re also professional enough to face it head on.

Best of luck.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 20:17

unsync · 19/01/2023 20:14

Are they threatened by having a female in their midst?

OP hasn't given the sex of these colleagues.

Pardon44 · 19/01/2023 20:18

MavisTheMonkey · 19/01/2023 20:09

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I would send an email to the four of them along the lines of:

  • I overheard your conversation at lunchtime
  • I do not think your personal comments about me were an appropriate discussion to have in an open space in the workplace, please refrain from doing so again, about me or any colleague, as it's extremely unprofessional
  • if you have an issue with me on a professional basis please let me know and I will be happy to discuss it with you
  • I won't escalate this on this occasion but if this type of unprofessional behaviour happens again I'll involve our area management team

I wouldn't escalate it- although they are clearly in the wrong as I think as their peer and part of the senior management team you need to be able to handle this yourself in the first instance. Especially (unfairly) as there will likely be a layer of misogyny if you report them where they see you as a whiny female who runs to the boss / HR at the drop of hat.

I would do this.

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 20:19

Speak to your manager - assume you have one even if very senior.

Pardon44 · 19/01/2023 20:19

saraclara · 19/01/2023 20:17

OP hasn't given the sex of these colleagues.

Show quote history

She is the only female

LemonPledge555 · 19/01/2023 20:19

saraclara · 19/01/2023 20:17

OP hasn't given the sex of these colleagues.

Show quote history

It’s literally in the first paragraph that she’s the only woman.

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