Wwyd overheard office bitching session

[WhaleTanker]

I work in an office. I am at the top of the management structure in our office, along with 6 other people who are the same level as me. I am the newest member and only female in this group.

We each have our own projects going on which we manage independently of each other, and then there are some office level projects, staff management, recruitment etc that we all do as a group. We are all accountable to central management which is located in another office, but we are not activley monitored by anyone because we are basically at the top level ourselves.

4 of the 6 leaders decided to have a very bitchy and nasty conversation in an open space in the office about me. I was just around the corner eating my late lunch. I heard every word. it was about 10 mins long. Anyone else could have heard it too, although to be fair I am not sure there was anyone else. Beside the point, anyway.

I am so hurt to hear those things. My heart was beating so hard, I felt sick and I was trying to decide whether to make my presence known and go for confrontation. They dispersed just as I had decided to move and thereby let them know I was there.

What do I do now? Let them know I heard their conversation?

What they did was awful. Had they done it privately, I wouldn't know about it. I am not saying people can't talk about colleagues, obviously they can and do. Just that it sgould a) be more constructive/professional and b) shouldn't be in an open, public space where others can hear. Or do the adult thing and tell me to my face they have a problem so it can be addressed. What they were saying was just nasty stuff and not an actual thing I have done wrong.

If I confront them, it will be horrible and possibly make things worse. Not sure I have the strength to go through massive amounts of confrontation. One of the people in particular is someone who resolves issues through open combat (perhaps that is the best way?). I shy away from conflict if I can.

Or do I say nothing and carry on with festering resentment and hurt?

There are 2 leaders who were not part of this. I don't want to start getting "sides" going. Do I somehow involve them? How?

HR is an option, but in the office structure, we the leaders are basically above them, so it would have to go the the HR person in Central management. That will cause world war 3.

This behaviour needs calling out, I know that. If I as a senior person can't call it out, how can the junior people be expected to speak up.

But how do I do it?

It's not big 4 but might as well be

How did you guess?

Accenture?

Even more reason to keep quiet.

this will be an unpopular opinion but this is why I knew I'd not be the right material for this sort of thing. I can't do politics. Politics is rife at these plaves and also at the top of most organisations.

if you are performing well, just keep quiet. Don't give them any ammo.

what they have done is have a bitching session in the office, about a top bod, and they are also top bods. Unprofessional, yes. Sadly IME professionalism is on the wane.

also, I wouldn't think it good to let them know you are flustered. They will smell weakness.

I think this is a brilliant solution. This way you get to be the ‘adult’, in this and also let them know you know they were talking about you. They won’t do it again.

Also, talk to your union and/or HR so that there is a record of what happened just in case their bitch*ng turns into bullying.

Please don't do this OP. It isn't professional and could go very badly wrong. Please either talk to a union or escalate it to central HR.

First, I'd make sure I felt OK about it. I mean, remind myself that they were being bitchy and that I am not at fault.

If I had the guts I might send an email to them asking if they knew you were within earshot when they spoke about you in such detrimental terms for ten minutes, and if not, perhaps it would be prudent to bitch in a less open plan environment.

If you even slightly think they knew and were doing it to undermine you, then this could be construed as bullying and potentially, sex discrimination - intimidate the lone woman so she underperforms or leaves. Or if any of their comments were about you as a woman, not your professional performance, then again, they are acting as a boys' club and ousting you. In which case, start WW3 and send it to top HR. Fuck them - let them quake. Give them something concrete to hate you for!

I am one of 7. 6 males plus I am female.

4 males were bitching
2 males weren't there
Plus me

Id go to HR. What happened wasnt your responsibility- why should you be burdened with working out how to handle it?

Shovel that onto the people who created the situation.

@WhaleTanker keep notes of who is who, and when possible begin building a j edgar Hoover style files on each individual

I don’t know if I am reading correctly between the lines, but is this a partnership where you have been relatively recently promoted to partner? If so, does that mean you have the support of other partners in other offices in your firm? Is there anyone in the wider organisation at the same level who might be some sort of mentor with whom you could discuss this?

If this were to happen in my organisation I would take it to the senior management, as their remit is to support all partners and stamp down on behaviour which undermines the organisation’s goals. I would not expect them to raise it directly with the “bitches” but I would expect them to advise me how to deal with it and to be on the lookout for other behaviours which undermined me.

I have no useful advice sadly but wanted to say how sorry I am that you have experienced this and hope you manage to resolve it. I personally feel you should definitely let them know how inappropriately they have behaved.

"I am the newest member and only female in this group."

that seems clear the others are all men.

The reality is people bitch about each other. This time you heard it. Next time you won't.
If you decide to do something, you need to do it quickly while the conversation is fresh in their mind.
Your decision about should be based on what you want to have happen next.
You can ignore it - you're hurt but life goes on as usual.
You can address it with them, either individually or as a group. They'd know you'd caught them out. What would happen to your relationship with them? Do you think it would deteriorate further or would they be so embarrassed things would improve? Can you see an outcome which works in your favour?
You can report them to HR, but with 4 of them against 1 of you and no witnesses it's unlikely to get a good result.
So much depends on your own personality and confidence levels.
I'm a bit of a bulldozer so I'd find a way to make it clear I'd heard them while simultaneously taking the piss out of them. But you need to find a response that is consistent with your work persona, you are comfortable with and above all makes this situation work to your advantage.

Ah, if that's the sort of thing they've said, this isn't so bad.

Yes, it must have been pretty brutal to listen to. But in terms of what they've been bitching about, they haven't been complaining about the quality of your work, because they can't find a genuine complaint to rant about. I'd take comfort in that - they're clearly reaching!

They're threatened by you and now you know exactly how much. This sounds like the kind of firm where office politics is in point, and you now have an inside scoop on four of the main players.

I'm not sure I'd say anything, TBH. I'd write this up for my own records (in case in the future things went down the path where I needed a journal of shitty behaviours), make sure I did them zero favours, subtly gain support from the other players, and quietly bide my time.

Write a record, sleep on it, then email if you’re feeling comfortable. I wouldn’t let it fester

@theycallmejane the mosquito thing was a analogy, not what they actually said. OP was using it to show how a simple statement by her about not liking mosquitos was taken and turned into “she’s a murderer”. The real examples were almost certainly about her actual work.

I presume it would be known amongst these 4 partners that you are doing better than them in bringing in clients and fees. If so, this is them feeling inadequate and having to blame / have a dig at whoever is outdoing them. Jealousy is a terrible thing and having read your update this is what it comes across as.

Sorry this happened to you OP - but well done on your attitude on here and your use of the excellent advice in several posts. These do give you some choices!

I agree that what you heard was most probably envy...
Is it possible that they were just sounding off (due to their wounded pride) and that actually they meant little of it and remembered less?

Is there anything positive you can draw from this horrible experience? Did their reaction make you change your mind about anything you are doing/saying?

Did it make you more aware of your own success too? - I hope so!

I would tell each of them individually that they have put you in an uncomfortable position as you overheard them talking about you and you'd just like to nip it in the bud and have any issues they have brought to your attention in future so that unpleasant situations like this don't need to happen.

Invite them all out for a coffee and say you prefer to take criticism face to face with a hot drink rather than overheard whilst eating a sandwich. Then smile while you watch them squirm not knowing whether to accept your invite.

If that is the case you also have potential to have a bullying/misogyny case brought against them. I’d keep my ear to the wall, take my phone with me everywhere and record anything else I overheard.

That happened to me once OP. I confronted them individually and then spoke to my line manager as I thought it was highly unprofessional.
A couple of themes shortly after. They learnt a lesson for sure.

I would be inclined to start playing them all off against each other.

So casually and jokingly say to Fred, hey John said that you told him you thought I was a mosquito murderer!

It's true John said that, but Fred now thinks John has ratted on him to you! You did not say he had but Fred won't know you overheard it.

If you can set them all up individually whilst keeping it at a jokey level you will have undermined their spiteful gang and they will no longer trust each other.

An analogy of how things escalated would be "She said she doesn't go camping because she doesn't like mosquitoes. I bet she kills them. She basically is an insect killer. How cruel. She has no regards for biodiversity. She goes around murdering animals. What a horrible human being. She is a murderer". It was such a pile on.

What?
That is so utterly juvenile, I'd have called them out at once!
That is like little kids in a playground, just so silly and daft.

It is almost farcically silly.

No one 'Likes mosquitos'..Heck, these men {assuming they were men} are like mosquitos, worthy of being clapped between your hands and squished like her sillies they are.

I'd not report, as so inane.

Had it been really personal, different story.

Probably they are envious of your meeting targets.

Silly men.

Grow a pair.
If you are the 'leaders' as you say and not even HR is above you then 'lead'
People are entitled to their options. Tough if you don't agree with it