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Original poster

Wwyd overheard office bitching session

310 replies

WhaleTanker · 19/01/2023 19:44

I work in an office. I am at the top of the management structure in our office, along with 6 other people who are the same level as me. I am the newest member and only female in this group.

We each have our own projects going on which we manage independently of each other, and then there are some office level projects, staff management, recruitment etc that we all do as a group. We are all accountable to central management which is located in another office, but we are not activley monitored by anyone because we are basically at the top level ourselves.

4 of the 6 leaders decided to have a very bitchy and nasty conversation in an open space in the office about me. I was just around the corner eating my late lunch. I heard every word. it was about 10 mins long. Anyone else could have heard it too, although to be fair I am not sure there was anyone else. Beside the point, anyway.

I am so hurt to hear those things. My heart was beating so hard, I felt sick and I was trying to decide whether to make my presence known and go for confrontation. They dispersed just as I had decided to move and thereby let them know I was there.

What do I do now? Let them know I heard their conversation?

What they did was awful. Had they done it privately, I wouldn't know about it. I am not saying people can't talk about colleagues, obviously they can and do. Just that it sgould a) be more constructive/professional and b) shouldn't be in an open, public space where others can hear. Or do the adult thing and tell me to my face they have a problem so it can be addressed. What they were saying was just nasty stuff and not an actual thing I have done wrong.

If I confront them, it will be horrible and possibly make things worse. Not sure I have the strength to go through massive amounts of confrontation. One of the people in particular is someone who resolves issues through open combat (perhaps that is the best way?). I shy away from conflict if I can.

Or do I say nothing and carry on with festering resentment and hurt?

There are 2 leaders who were not part of this. I don't want to start getting "sides" going. Do I somehow involve them? How?

HR is an option, but in the office structure, we the leaders are basically above them, so it would have to go the the HR person in Central management. That will cause world war 3.

This behaviour needs calling out, I know that. If I as a senior person can't call it out, how can the junior people be expected to speak up.

But how do I do it?

OP posts:
PatrickBasedman · 20/01/2023 01:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Memeagain · 20/01/2023 01:25

She states she's the only female

PatrickBasedman · 20/01/2023 01:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

StalkedByASpider · 20/01/2023 02:37

Depending on what was said, I wonder if they could stir up trouble for you in the future.

As a means of protection, I might be inclined to email central HR and provide an account of what happened so it’s recorded in real time. Tell them you’re only reporting it in case things escalate in the future but you don’t want any action to be taken at the moment.

Placing your account confidentially on record is a bit of a safety net just in case they try to stir up real trouble later. If things worsen and you later then try on relying on having heard them talking shit about you and misrepresenting your views, it may not sound truthful.

Now you know you need to keep one eye open and always be one step ahead.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 20/01/2023 03:05

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/01/2023 20:40

This. I wouldn’t say a word. Make notes though and keep them. I’m probably older than you and I know I am pretty jaded with people in general, but in a way I would be glad to know how they really felt about me. It would mean I had the upper hand in any future dealings with them and wouldn’t get sucked in to time wasting “friendships”.

Show quote history

The organisation I worked for had policies and procedures a mile long, but it was just lip service..... Personally I would not say anything, if you do, it will be 4 against 1 and your working atmosphere will be vile. Do you think your boss would support you? or would it be a case of not wanting to know as the 4 of them combined are worth more than 1 of you to the company?

If you approach HR, remember that HR is part of the organisation and would put the company 1, 2 and 3.

Sorry to sound cynical, another oldie here.

Francisca459 · 20/01/2023 03:41

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/01/2023 20:40

This. I wouldn’t say a word. Make notes though and keep them. I’m probably older than you and I know I am pretty jaded with people in general, but in a way I would be glad to know how they really felt about me. It would mean I had the upper hand in any future dealings with them and wouldn’t get sucked in to time wasting “friendships”.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 20/01/2023 03:55

The fact all 4 were bitching about you, the only female is awful and makes things much worse. personally I would talk to my own manager

Fedupofdiets · 20/01/2023 05:08

Memeagain · 20/01/2023 01:23

Grow a pair.
If you are the 'leaders' as you say and not even HR is above you then 'lead'
People are entitled to their options. Tough if you don't agree with it

What a crock of shit. People are entitled to their opinions but bitching in an open office is not the time nor the place to voice them. The workplace is supposed to be for professionals not children.

Wingingit11 · 20/01/2023 05:39

Given that it’s now Friday, and you’ve sensibly noted things down, I’d think it over during the weekend. If you feel your (?) partnership with these individuals will be substantially prejudiced I think you need to raise it with them. If you are of that level I don’t think previous posts suggesting to go to HR etc are relevant - it’s a partnership dispute not an employment issue

Judgyjudgy · 20/01/2023 05:46

WhaleTanker · 19/01/2023 22:25

Thanks all.

I have spent some time making notes now, and although that part was upsetting, I do feel a bit better having done that.

I think some of the ideas here are really great, and so helpful to have the combined MN brains come up with strategies when all I can think of is how upset I am.

In response to some earlier questions:

  • I have been there 15 years and risen through the ranks.
  • these 4 are a fair bit older and more experienced
  • we have targets and these 4 are not doing great. The other two and I are meeting and exceeding our targets.
  • the content of their conversation was taking snippets of things I had said at an earlier full team meeting and deliberately misinterpreting them to the point where the actual thing I had said was turned into something completely different. An analogy of how things escalated would be "She said she doesn't go camping because she doesn't like mosquitoes. I bet she kills them. She basically is an insect killer. How cruel. She has no regards for biodiversity. She goes around murdering animals. What a horrible human being. She is a murderer". It was such a pile on.

OK so they're insecure, jealous aholes. Good you've written down notes. I'd probably have a quiet word to my manager, and then confront them if you want to address it. I would also be careful as I'm sure they could gang up on you and i wouldn't trust HR one bit. Up to you whether you want to do something now, or play the long game. Good luck OP sounds like a horrible experience. Also use the weekend to have a think about it, and maybe talk to a couple of friends when you can disclose the real content

MrsHarrisgoestoTimbuctoo · 20/01/2023 05:49

@BethDuttonstwin,

I wouldn’t say a word. Make notes though and keep them. I’m probably older than you and I know I am pretty jaded with people in general, but in a way I would be glad to know how they really felt about me. It would mean I had the upper hand in any future dealings with them and wouldn’t get sucked in to time wasting “friendships”.

This is sound advice. ^
If this is how they behave they will come unstuck eventually.
It's upsetting all the same.

SofaLola33 · 20/01/2023 05:49

MarshaMelrose · 19/01/2023 19:59

This happened to me. They were moaning that I'd been unfair in how I'd allocated work. They didn't see me standing behind them.
I just interrupted them and said I'd given them what I believed to be the easier workload but if they'd prefer to swap with me, I was happy to give them my workload for theirs. I was calm with a puzzled and keen to please air. They declined. For them I think the embarrassment of being caught was enough.
If I were you, I'd wait til you're calm and then I'd go speak to each one separately and say you'd heard them talking about you and you wondered if they'd like to address it with you personally because you'd hate it if you'd inadvertently upset them.
You've got to seem polite and interested, though. No aggression.
Save nuclear options for nuclear situations.

this… But always please make sure to note the original conversation, date, who was involved and if this happens again after speaking with them (note these convos too) report to HR!

sorry you’ve been put in this position.

daisychain01 · 20/01/2023 06:31

Catnary · 19/01/2023 23:47

@theycallmejane the mosquito thing was a analogy, not what they actually said. OP was using it to show how a simple statement by her about not liking mosquitos was taken and turned into “she’s a murderer”. The real examples were almost certainly about her actual work.

But if, as in the example, they were taking a fact and then exaggerating it illogically and irrationally and not based on fact, then the OP has absolutely nothing to worry about.

also given that OP has exceeded her targets and the male bitches are lagging behind, then I'd just be walking around with a secret smile and a very straight face, feeling I was doing OK and they're the ones who should be worrying. In fact, their inadequacies are exactly why they're standing around gossiping. Perhaps if they spent less time talking and more time doing their job, they'd be exceeding their targets like the OP.

this sort of office crap is par for the course, it's a question of ignoring the 'noise', remembering you don't need to give a shit about their opinion and keep doing great things despite their twattery. I always remind myself that at any point in the future they could decide to hand in their notice and leave so they're completely irrelevant and of no consequence in the grand scheme of life.

LAMPS1 · 20/01/2023 07:03

Just a thought and I don’t have any advice really but Is it possible they meant you to hear them hoping you would kick off and then they could label you a hysterical female ?
if so, I wouldn’t escalate this but if given an opportunity, I would quietly and subtly let each one know individually that you overheard and won’t be trusting their unprofessionalism.
Be cleverer than them and carry on getting better results than them.

Whatistheanswer2023 · 20/01/2023 07:16

This is them highlighting their insecurities and fragilities. I wonder if you speak to HR about how to approach them, can your managing partner get involved. Is there no Office head? I think it’s very typical of fee earning environments - it’s dog eat dog but ultimately it’s jealousy OP and it’s an attack on you. It’s an attempt to bring your reputation into disrepute.

Speak with HR

TheGuv1982 · 20/01/2023 07:44

Tricky one. If it’s a one off I’d probably play this as such and while making a note of it, not anything else. Nothing will come of escalating, unless the company would like the excuse to bin them off for the poor performance against targets.

Horrible scenario for you though.

dogdaydown · 20/01/2023 07:47

Horrible situation, the thing is I think they'll get an inkling you know as no matter how hard you try your body language etc will show your feelings.

I'd have to say something to clear the air and force them to deal with their issues.

Flowers
Winterpetal · 20/01/2023 08:04

watchfulwishes · 19/01/2023 19:48

The first thing to do is write an accurate record of exactly what happened, with names and precise quotes. This will be hard but important if you are to take it any further.

Then you can just reflect for a little and take care of your emotional wellbeing before deciding what to do.

How awful. Really sorry this happened.

Yes this

Paq · 20/01/2023 08:10

I absolutely wouldn't hesitate in escalating this. It's unbelievably unprofessional behaviour in senior leaders. Do you have someone you trust - a manager or a colleague - who you can talk through a plan of action with?

I wouldn't approach it through the lens of hurt feelings, although I completely appreciate them, but as a lack of professional standards and poor organisational culture and values.

IJustDunno · 20/01/2023 08:13

Paq · 20/01/2023 08:10

I absolutely wouldn't hesitate in escalating this. It's unbelievably unprofessional behaviour in senior leaders. Do you have someone you trust - a manager or a colleague - who you can talk through a plan of action with?

I wouldn't approach it through the lens of hurt feelings, although I completely appreciate them, but as a lack of professional standards and poor organisational culture and values.

This.

I’m sick of reading women shouldn’t address unprofessional behaviour in case they are perceived as ‘whining’ and should ‘just grow a pair’.

having a pair means not tolerating unprofessional behaviour and as a senior person I think it’s your responsibility to call it out - for yourself, other females and everyone coming up behind you both male/female.

Lampzade · 20/01/2023 08:27

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/01/2023 21:02

So I’m going to go against most of the advice given here. I do think you should have interrupted in the moment, but that ship has sailed.

I would pick the most outspoken of the bunch or the ringleader if there is one and go talk to him. I’d keep it somewhat breezy and get to the point.

“Hey Bob, do you have a minute. I was finishing up my lunch yesterday and heard the discussion, you had with x,y,and z. I know everyone is going to bitch about their coworkers from time to time but next time can you come to me first if there’s a problem? It sets a bad example if the management team is overheard doing this and clearly if you don’t tell me there’s a problem I’m not going to know about. K? Thx gotta run to a meeting.”

Then I’d leave it.

This is exactly what I would do.
I was going to suggest something similar

rainyskylight · 20/01/2023 08:34

I think basically everyone who is saying go to HR is utterly naive here. Senior team leaders who are responsible for hitting targets are the ones bringing in money. They pay HR’s salaries. She may as well ask someone in the coffee shop across the road to sort it out. HR are there to protect the company, and a woman making a complaint about over half of the senior team members is not going to go down well. OP could let HR know for the matter of the record, but make it completely clear that she’s not wanting it to be escalated at present. She should also briefly and without drama let her direct line know that there’s a bit of bother, but that at present she’s trying to handle it herself.

LikeTearsInRain · 20/01/2023 08:35

WhaleTanker · 19/01/2023 22:36

It's not big 4 but might as well be

How did you guess?

Show quote history

Just how you describe the office working - basically a regional office with a group of partners. It was clearly some kind of practice business - accounting or law or similar.

Businesses in industry don’t operate like that at all.

Not sure how you can tackle it personally. Partners aren’t going to get fired for some unkind personal opinions about one person being overheard I feel.

SuperHandss · 20/01/2023 08:40

I would talk to them individually & say I heard their public conversation and wanted to clarify the team meeting note because they have misunderstood.

Finish with ‘In future I’d appreciate you come to me directly and give me the opportunity to clarify. In return I will pay you the same respect.’

MRex · 20/01/2023 08:46

First thing is to write everything down. The approach depends a bit on your industry, role, personality etc. Unusual to be 7 of you with no manager unless the 7 are actually the board of directors, so I feel like I don't quite understand the structure. In some industries, this sort of OTT bitching is more about them bonding then actually about putting you down, you're just caught in the middle.

If it were me, I would not let on that I directly heard the conversation, but speak to each one individually and as privately as possible with "I have heard you had private concerns about my approach to mosquitos, so I've booked this session to take you through it and discuss any input you have." Meet the nicest first. They will assume one of the 4 betrayed the confidence of the others, and breaking their circle will help you.