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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd overheard office bitching session

310 replies

WhaleTanker · 19/01/2023 19:44

I work in an office. I am at the top of the management structure in our office, along with 6 other people who are the same level as me. I am the newest member and only female in this group.

We each have our own projects going on which we manage independently of each other, and then there are some office level projects, staff management, recruitment etc that we all do as a group. We are all accountable to central management which is located in another office, but we are not activley monitored by anyone because we are basically at the top level ourselves.

4 of the 6 leaders decided to have a very bitchy and nasty conversation in an open space in the office about me. I was just around the corner eating my late lunch. I heard every word. it was about 10 mins long. Anyone else could have heard it too, although to be fair I am not sure there was anyone else. Beside the point, anyway.

I am so hurt to hear those things. My heart was beating so hard, I felt sick and I was trying to decide whether to make my presence known and go for confrontation. They dispersed just as I had decided to move and thereby let them know I was there.

What do I do now? Let them know I heard their conversation?

What they did was awful. Had they done it privately, I wouldn't know about it. I am not saying people can't talk about colleagues, obviously they can and do. Just that it sgould a) be more constructive/professional and b) shouldn't be in an open, public space where others can hear. Or do the adult thing and tell me to my face they have a problem so it can be addressed. What they were saying was just nasty stuff and not an actual thing I have done wrong.

If I confront them, it will be horrible and possibly make things worse. Not sure I have the strength to go through massive amounts of confrontation. One of the people in particular is someone who resolves issues through open combat (perhaps that is the best way?). I shy away from conflict if I can.

Or do I say nothing and carry on with festering resentment and hurt?

There are 2 leaders who were not part of this. I don't want to start getting "sides" going. Do I somehow involve them? How?

HR is an option, but in the office structure, we the leaders are basically above them, so it would have to go the the HR person in Central management. That will cause world war 3.

This behaviour needs calling out, I know that. If I as a senior person can't call it out, how can the junior people be expected to speak up.

But how do I do it?

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 19/01/2023 20:52

People are misreading. They are not her reports but her peers as 1 of 6 senior managers so treating them as the post above would be a major error.

canyoutellemehowtoget · 19/01/2023 20:53

OP, I think I misread your post initially and thought that this was a scenario where you came across your direct reports huddling together bitching about you (bad).

But now I've re-read it this seems like you are on of 6 senior leaders, the remaining 5 of whom are female and you've caught 4 of your direct peers (almost all of the other senior leaders in the building) bitching about you (really, really, really bad - on their part).

I don't know what the answer is but I'm really sorry you are experiencing this and it is not ok.

canyoutellemehowtoget · 19/01/2023 20:54

sorry I meant the remaining of whom are MALE.

Whyareblokesonhere · 19/01/2023 20:54

Skip forward first, what outcome do you want?

Then work back from there

You do need to be honest with yourself though

Personally I'd want to have the conversation face to face with each without involving anyone else first, adult to adult. I'd want to get some coaching to work through what outcome I wanted from each conversation and I'd probably start by asking how they would deal with a similar situation if they found themselves overhearing peers bad mouthing them, then how they'd want someone to give them feedback.

Be prepared to be form, clear, focused on your desired outcome and leave the emotion to one side as best you can.

canyoutellemehowtoget · 19/01/2023 20:54

x post with boom boom.

I really think people need to ensure they are understanding the op because how this is dealt with really depends on the relationship.

BetterCare · 19/01/2023 20:59

I think @MavisTheMonkey suggestion is perfect.

I think you hold the power now. They have proved themselves to be silly little men that bitch in corners.

You need to be calm, controlled and act like you don’t give a shit.

CockSpadget · 19/01/2023 21:00

Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 20:41

What were they saying, was there any truth in it? Do you know what’s caused them to dislike you?

Victim blaming? It doesn’t matter why they don’t like her! 4 senior members of staff, were stood bitching about another senior member of staff, in an open office, for anyone to hear. That is atrocious!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/01/2023 21:02

So I’m going to go against most of the advice given here. I do think you should have interrupted in the moment, but that ship has sailed.

I would pick the most outspoken of the bunch or the ringleader if there is one and go talk to him. I’d keep it somewhat breezy and get to the point.

“Hey Bob, do you have a minute. I was finishing up my lunch yesterday and heard the discussion, you had with x,y,and z. I know everyone is going to bitch about their coworkers from time to time but next time can you come to me first if there’s a problem? It sets a bad example if the management team is overheard doing this and clearly if you don’t tell me there’s a problem I’m not going to know about. K? Thx gotta run to a meeting.”

Then I’d leave it.

PrincessScarlett · 19/01/2023 21:02

It's really difficult to say what you should do without knowing what they said. Were they being rude about your sex/appearance, your ability to do the job?

I would be inclined to log it with HR as it could end up as one of many incidents that result in constructive dismissal. If you don't log it then HR can claim they were not aware of any issues.

I had a situation a few years ago but with all females who I overheard bitching about me after returning from maternity leave. They were questioning my ability to do the job, keeping tabs on me and spreading rumours around the company that I didn't want to be in work which resulted in me being hauled before HR to explain myself. I raised a complaint with HR and it was actually a good thing to do because the ring leader and I sat down, ironed out any issues and became good friends.

thisisasurvivor · 19/01/2023 21:03

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/01/2023 19:47

Oh God, how horrible. You poor thing. The things they were saying, were they personal or were they to do with your job?

Ugly just awful

Why did they need to do it this way

Hope you can find a way through it

Not ok to make someone feel so shit

I had this yesterday and I'm still fuming

Like you my heart was beating I wanted to walk away but I listened to lie after lie about me

Viviennemary · 19/01/2023 21:04

I would do nothing. Can't see how it would help to report them. If I wasn't that keen on the job as a whole I would start looking for something else.

Zonder · 19/01/2023 21:06

I'd go to my manager and my union.

whynotwhatknot · 19/01/2023 21:07

were they being personal as in your looks etc or was it about your work

NeedToChangeName · 19/01/2023 21:10

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/01/2023 20:42

I think this is a good approach but I'd tweak it slightly to

"Your conversation was overheard..."

...by removing the "I overheard" it will create uncertainty amongst them re exactly who overheard them and how many people might have heard and told the OP. It also minimises them claiming the OP was mistaken/misunderstood if there's a possibility of multiple witnesses.

I'd also remove the comment about not escalating. The OP shouldn't give away her options unnecessarily. She gains nothing by saying she won't escalate this time but they get something to hold over her if she changes her mind about escalating later. These men are clearly fuckers. By saying she won't escalate, the OP is showing weakness to them. It's a very female approach to say that. She needs to sit tight, don't make any promises and instead let them fear what she might do. (I'm a senior woman in a male dominated management team).

Show quote history

@HundredMilesAnHour Yes, this. Brilliant advice

RealBecca · 19/01/2023 21:11

I'd be inclined to hold a meeting with all 4 of them and say something vague that implies someone else heard something. Like opening with "I've become aware of a conversation that took place on X date and time and I would like to hear your version of events."

Or I'd keep quiet, note that they twats and cant be trusted and make sure I have my phone on me to record other instances and keep my head down and look for a promotion out of that company. I'd possibly look to roll out anti bullying campaigns in the office to try and make a culture change because not only is it clearly needed but it would be a bit of a fuck you to them.

Motelschmotel · 19/01/2023 21:11

Totally depends on what they said.

I would send an email to myself (so shows date and time) on my work email address, with a record of everything sent and who was present.

Then, probably, I would do nothing. Just wait. People who behave like this come unstuck sooner or later. Your chance to have your day will come, eventually. Also, a lot of this will lose its sting over time and you’ll be left with the nub of their issue. That’s what you want to be focusing on.

Meanwhile, you now know. I’d be acting accordingly.

LikeTearsInRain · 19/01/2023 21:11

Do you work at big4 or similar lol?

RealBecca · 19/01/2023 21:14

RealBecca · 19/01/2023 21:11

I'd be inclined to hold a meeting with all 4 of them and say something vague that implies someone else heard something. Like opening with "I've become aware of a conversation that took place on X date and time and I would like to hear your version of events."

Or I'd keep quiet, note that they twats and cant be trusted and make sure I have my phone on me to record other instances and keep my head down and look for a promotion out of that company. I'd possibly look to roll out anti bullying campaigns in the office to try and make a culture change because not only is it clearly needed but it would be a bit of a fuck you to them.

I'd also be tempted, if you have the power to organise an anti bullying workshop for the office, to share my experience "from another workplace" with those fuckers in the room and ask how people think a scenario like that should be dealt with.

WandaWonder · 19/01/2023 21:14

For me to report, I would have to have an idea of what outcome I am looking for

Not saying this is right but I tend to be subtle (or passive aggressive maybe) I would email all staff an article on bullying or something to indicate they may guess I knew, and just move on.

If there was something illegal or close to it I may think differently but 'office gossip' happens rightly or wrongly

Besttobe8001 · 19/01/2023 21:16

365names · 19/01/2023 20:50

Divide and conquer.

set up meeting with mr a / ask a secretary to take minutes

1 start off with
a conversation was over heard where you were discussing myself and other managers in an unprofessional way

  1. this is a forum for you to air those opinions in a PROFESSIONAL manner - do you wish to raise any issues ?
minute question and respond

if nothing is raised then

  1. you were overheard saying …… can you explain why you said this ?

to finish
*. this is the forum to raise any issues directly to me in a polite and non confrontional manner

to raise and discuss opinions in the office in ‘public’ and be overheard and being so rude and aggressive is highly unprofessional and is a disciplinary issue - please ensure it does not happen again- or a formal disciplinary May well be invoke.

same with man 2 etc have them in and make it clear that you are the manager but they do not discuss any member of the team like this as it is not conducive to a positive working environment.

minute everything

pass the lot to hr as minutes

This is terrible, terrible advice. It won't solve anything and if done wrong / without HR input you could get in trouble yourself.

You didn't do anything at the time so your chance has passed. Keep your chin up and do your job.

Zebracat · 19/01/2023 21:17

I would log this with hr. This may only be the start of a campaign of bullying, if it is, and you raise this, it wasn’t logged and didnt happen. They were unpleasant and deeply unprofessional. Just put together an accurate record of the event and ask for a meeting. You should be able to stay fairly objective at this stage, if more happens and you get upset, the sexism will really kick in.

Nonimai · 19/01/2023 21:21

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I don’t think it is likely to be in your interest to report it higher. You could always play a little game. Choose the two who you think are the least bitchy and one at a time say that someone has told you there has been a nasty conversation about you - repeat some of the juicy bits - make them squirm. See what they have to say. They will start distrusting each other, because how could you know unless one of them told you. The two you spoke to will probably talk together and decide it was one of the others. It will probably break their little clique.

pinkpotatoez · 19/01/2023 21:22

This happened to me on a teams call, I joined two colleagues whilst one was in the middle of bitching about me. I said "I can hear you, you know" after listening for a while and it got very awkward. I don't know how they hadn't noticed I'd joined, probably had the teams call minimised. It hurt my feelings but I didn't let it show, they were the ones left flustered and embarrassed

popyourcollar · 19/01/2023 21:24

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/01/2023 21:02

So I’m going to go against most of the advice given here. I do think you should have interrupted in the moment, but that ship has sailed.

I would pick the most outspoken of the bunch or the ringleader if there is one and go talk to him. I’d keep it somewhat breezy and get to the point.

“Hey Bob, do you have a minute. I was finishing up my lunch yesterday and heard the discussion, you had with x,y,and z. I know everyone is going to bitch about their coworkers from time to time but next time can you come to me first if there’s a problem? It sets a bad example if the management team is overheard doing this and clearly if you don’t tell me there’s a problem I’m not going to know about. K? Thx gotta run to a meeting.”

Then I’d leave it.

I agree with this. Rise above and make them feel like the idiots they are.

Nina9870 · 19/01/2023 21:27

Union and email. You will have an evidence trail that way. Do not start any ‘friendly’, ‘off the record’ convos with them. They’re easy to deny.