Found messages on DH phone

[GreenFox]

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

So sorry OP that’s shocking and such a betrayal by him. It’s disgusting what his written and who knows what he’s deleted. Terribly disrespectful to you and actively looking to cheat, had she been willing to go to his hotel, he would have.

He’s been sexually harassing a work colleague. The fact this is what you are focussing on this being worse is likely because of your own high level of integrity. He is a sex pest, not at all the person he’s presented himself to be.

Please don’t let this undermine your own self worth and confidence. He’s not worth it. You’ve been a very supportive partner to him. In the last years carried his son, given birth and been looking after him. You’ve done nothing wrong and all this is on him.

Focus on what you and your son need and getting all the support you can. I probably wouldn’t confront him in this situation as it may not be safe for you and your son. Put your ducks in a row and get out safely. Take care and keep us updated when you can.

OP you deserve so much better. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief that he’s out of your life one day soon, I promise. Be prepared for the tearful, desperate attempts to convince you he regrets it desperately and wants to make it up to you

Maybe not the lawyer but it would be so easy to kick his slimy arse out the door

I'm curious as to why this woman would have not set boundaries with her colleague, I mean... if I had that type of colleague and was not interested (it seems to be her case) I would send him a stern message in the lines of :" Sorry but I feel uncomfortable with your flirting, I don't think it's appropriate and would ask you to please keep things professional and work related". Why is she putting up with his shyte?

@Sandra1984 Because if he's popular there he could screw with her career or even somehow leave her with no job at all. It shouldn't happen but it happens all the time, and the blokes find ways of doing it with no come back on them.

I don't feel like a great person right now. I'm so angry.

This is righteous anger @GreenFox , nothing wrong with it. How he's acted is not ok, he's married, plus his attentions are unwanted and the woman has subtly made that clear.

Hi OP, just to say it makes a lot of sense (I think) that you're particularly shocked by his persistence in pursuing someone not interested.

It makes him look desperate, delusional, tone deaf. As well as a cheater by intention. And I don't think the 10 year age difference makes him a predator, but her evasive (rather than confrontational) reactions make me wonder whether there is a hierarchical element to their work relationship. That would put me off further.

So, so sorry. But you sound lovely and together. You'll get through this

Not if this is the method the business uses as a rule and if she does block him on this , he'll just use one of the others anyway - probably already is.

Report him to HR he is being indecent and thats misconduct. The poor girl is probably terrified of consequences if she reports him so report him yourself. Vile.

OP, I hope you're ok. You also said that you're the main breadwinner, and that you have supported him through a lot of issues. It must feel like a kick in the teeth to have your support thrown back in your face like this.

He sounds like an inadequate wanker.

Agree, it sounds like he could be sexually harassing her. I don’t know if you’ve said if he’s in a position of power over her. I’m so sorry, I’ve been through something not dissimilar. Some men (women too) just don’t have much integrity and it’s so hard.

The most telling part of your reply is that to you it's all hypothetical......if you can't imagine why it is quite common to feel trapped when work colleagues or even worse, superiors, try this sort of thing then you have very little empathy indeed.

I'm sure you 'would' send such a message if this ever happened to you.....in the meantime I wonder if you could consider directing your curiosity to the man who has harassed a colleague and devastated his wife (and thrown away his family) in the process. Why would someone do that? That seems rather more interesting.

One thing to cheat.

Another to harass a younger female colleague.

Writing I'm not blaming her doesn't negate the fact that's EXACTLY what you've done 🤔, because it's really good for the careers of young females to stand up to creepy men in more senior roles and not at all very difficult for them 🙄

Sorry your DH is a sleaze OP 💐 the younger colleague has done nothing wrong but she'll tell someone eventually, he's going too far. I work in HR and I can't tell you the amount of messages like these I've seen in harassment cases 💐 xx

Good luck @GreenFox . Do what you need to do. Take some time out to think about it. It takes a few days to take in something like this and be able to think clearly.

If it’s whatsapp then go to the chat, click on the name (where you’d find shared photos and the search bit), scroll down and click export. You can then email yourself the whole chat in seconds. Saves you having to snoop really quickly and hope he doesn’t come in any second. Sorry OP, so shit for you :(

This is really rough for you - and I totally understand the not wanting to split your family up. It’s so difficult, it’s a huge responsibility to be the one doing the actual breaking up, even if it’s someone else who has been disrespectful/deceitful.

just know that the decision is yours. I hope whichever you choose, it’s right for you and your son in the long run. If you can see yourselves getting through this without any residual damage then stick it out, but if you feel like the trust is irreparable then you should probably call it quits before this happens again in future and you’re older/feeling like he wasted your years of being able to find someone else and be happy.

you definitely should confront him though, when you’re ready. Expect a bit of backlash for looking at his phone however, you should be glad you did else you wouldn’t of found out this information.

Sending you lots of love 💜

It’s always so disheartening to read victim blaming comments on here, with PP saying “I’m not blaming her, BUT” and doing exactly that. Please stop spouting this crap, even if you think you would handle it so much better.

To add, we don’t If there is a history of abuse or assault, but her responses could easily fit this pattern.

This is ALL on the harasser.

Ugh… what a sad, pathetic old man he’s become.

It's a pity she's not interested as you need to get rid of him 😏

I've been on the receiving end of this type of behavior at work. It's not that easy to "set boundaries," especially with a man who's older and more senior that you. And I'm a very anxious person, which makes it harder to deal with. It's not fair to imply that she's done something wrong.

OP, I'm in the LTB camp.

Hearing about this sort of thing over and over. You don’t need to be with a sly devious man like this. Know your worth and get rid. It’s probably not his first attempt at getting an affair started or actually having one. I used to put up with a lot but this would be a deal breaker for me. The complete lack of respect for you is plain ugly.

It will get worse the sooner you do it the better. How can you sweep it under the rug that you’re living and married to an utter creep! I’d be repulsed by the sight of him.

Sorry OP, what an unbelievably shitty situation.

It’s not even an affair. The ‘OW’ isn’t even vaguely interested. He’s risking so much (relationship, family, job, future work prospects) for nothing.

I hope it’s worth it.

So sorry OP. This mist be awful.

He is 100% in the wrong and u and ur son deserve better.

He might want to be careful as she could report him for sexual harassment!

Big hugs

He sounds desperate to cheat.
You could never trust him again.
It annoys me to to read the victim blaming on here.
I've been the target of the office sex pest and you just want it to stop.
You don't want a big scene/backlash which blocking them or hurting their ego with a rejection can do.
You know people will think you're somehow in the wrong for just catching the eye of the fucking sex pest. By just existing at work.
He probably has his eye on a few women, give her a break.

well he needs to be fired. i cant imagine how this woman feels being harassed like this. she has clearly tried to back him off in the only way a woman can these days. of course she cant just say back the fuck off. thats not allowed in todays misogynist society. she wouldnt dare. not if he is scenior to her.

im sorry he has done this to you op.
it really isnt hard to get rid of people like this from your life. just practical.lose yourself in the practical.and take steps. your not breaking up a family your saving it. your protecting yours and your childs wellbeing. you cant live with someone who would do this can you?
the persuit of her.not backing down.grim. the lies he told of his wherabouts.grim.
if its not her in the end it will be moved on to another.
please be free.
you deserve better.
get it out of your head that your breaking up a family. nope he did that.your saving it.