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Original poster

Found messages on DH phone

239 replies

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:25

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

OP posts:
LolaMoon · 19/01/2023 17:59

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:58

Yes it is creepy and weird. I took pictures on my phone of the messages.

There's one of him saying "I'm staying in xxxx hotel in xxxxx city next week."

This was a family birthday he was going to and I stayed at home to look after DS.

She said "why are you telling me?"

Wow- this is getting even more grim. She's clearly not interested and he cant accept it- he is pestering her. Yuck.

pilates · 19/01/2023 18:00

He could be in trouble at work if he continues the harassment too.

Original poster
GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 19/01/2023 18:02

Screenshot the messages and send them to yourself.

When he gets home, show him the messages and ask him for one reason why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone who feels this way about another person.

Its a horrible way to behave, regardless of whether you choose to label it as an affair or not.

quietnightmare · 19/01/2023 18:03

How awful. If it's safe to confront him then you need to lay the cards on the table and either leave him/ kick him out or you tell him this is his one and only chance and it ends now and suggest couples counselling if that's something you could stretch to.

The only remotely good thing about this is the other woman isn't interested so atleast she isn't out to be a homewrecker and to be honest you confronting him will be doing her a favour it must be rubbish for her being hounded by some bloke she doesn't like and can't get away from be cause she works with him.

You need to be strong and be firm with what you want

Notjusta · 19/01/2023 18:03

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

I don't this it's weird at all to be annoyed about that. Not only is he trying to start an affair he essentially (sexually) harassing a young woman who has made it pretty clear she's not interested. That isn't a nice thing to learn about your husband.

HappyHolidays22 · 19/01/2023 18:04

Im really sorry OP. What a loser he is. You have to confront him and please be strong when he starts making his excuses. It’s up to you if you want to forgive or get rid - but take your time deciding how you feel, don’t let him sweet talk you.

Original poster
GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone. I've read enough threads on here over the years to know what I have to do. I just never thought this would happen to me.

I'll have to speak to him obviously but I don't even know how to start thinking about it.

OP posts:
courgettigreensadwater · 19/01/2023 18:07

Tbh I'm surprised he hasn't got HR on his back and looking at being dismissed apart from the awful betrayal. If I was her I'd have reported him for harassment.

courgettigreensadwater · 19/01/2023 18:08

I'm so sorry too. Having a one year old is a lovely but hard work time.

HiddenGiraffes · 19/01/2023 18:12

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

Yeah, it's not like he's been tempted by something on offer. That wouldn't be justified, but this kind of desperate pursuit somehow seems even more disrespectful to you. Also, it's pathetic. Even if you're capable of forgiveness how could you respect him again. How could you want to fuck him.

LolaMoon · 19/01/2023 18:13

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

NOT weird at all. If she was coming on to him and they had an affair you'd feel they were both complicit in the betrayal and it would feel more like 50/50 but this is even worse because he's desperately chasing someone who clearly isnt interested. So, not only is he willing to cheat, he's also coming across like a predatory, harassing creep- its a double whammy right there. So sorry OP.

Christmaspyjamas · 19/01/2023 18:14

I think without trying to be heartless you need to address this with ASAP before he loses his job for harassment and you're left as sole earner and he claims he can't afford his own place. It is a matter of days before he goes too far and is reported I would say. You say messages may have been deleted hence what you're seeing is likely not the worst.

I think you certainly can come back from this as a couple dependent on his response and resolve to immediately stop these messages and do some intense self-reflection and reparations. Watch a disten carefully to his response it will tell you if there is any hope.

Maybe just start the conversation with "who is x" and let him do all the talking.

Pardon44 · 19/01/2023 18:18

It'd called sexual harassment in the workplace. The girl would have an excellent case if she chose to pursue it. What a creepy old man.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2023 18:20

Ugh, that makes my skin crawl

Surely any love or affection you had for him has been killed stone dead ?

EarlyYearsMe · 19/01/2023 18:21

Poor girl. Poor you, what a sleazy man.
Something really dark about a man who can’t take the hint.

I hope you have a good support network OP, all the best

oakleaffy · 19/01/2023 18:22

Very sorry, @GreenFox Young child and he’s fantasising about another younger woman.
How predictable.
10 yrs younger is a big gap.
I’m glad it isn’t reciprocated by her by sounds of it.
Horrible to have those niggles confirmed. :(

Jusmakingit · 19/01/2023 18:23

Change her number in his phone lol 😂 to his bosses . Obv depending how pissed of you are

Original poster
GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:25

AnyFucker · 19/01/2023 18:20

Ugh, that makes my skin crawl

Surely any love or affection you had for him has been killed stone dead ?

Yes, but the thought of splitting my family up is just too much at the moment. I know what I have to do, it's just the practicalities I can't bear to think about yet.

OP posts:
Bowbellsx · 19/01/2023 18:27

pack his bags and throw him out!!!

FairlySane · 19/01/2023 18:27

I think you should get your finances etc in order because it won’t be long until he gets the sack for sexual harassment.
Theres no way you want to be forced into a position of having to support him through that process and the resulting period of unemployment.

caringcarer · 19/01/2023 18:27

cpphelp · 19/01/2023 17:44

Surely OP you know that if she gave the green light (which she clearly isn't) there'd be a hotel room booked within days?
This would be end of marriage for me, and I say that as a SAHM with zero income with a H who earns six figures. You're in a FAR better position than me. sorry OP.

Absolutely this. He is making a pest of himself to this young woman who is not encouraging him at all. She probably hates his advances. He would clearly pick her if he got the chance. Dump. You gave him a baby and within a year he is putting himself out there. I would have to end it because I could never have sex with him again after reading those text. Take photos of text and get your ducks in a row. See solicitor and make plans before you confront him.

arcencielpoisson · 19/01/2023 18:28

I'm sorry @GreenFox

But you didn't split up your family.

He did that all by himself.

It's better to stop living with him while DS is so very young.

Bowbellsx · 19/01/2023 18:29

It will always be on your mind trust me I had a baby to one of them thinks there casanova!

oakleaffy · 19/01/2023 18:30

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone. I've read enough threads on here over the years to know what I have to do. I just never thought this would happen to me.

I'll have to speak to him obviously but I don't even know how to start thinking about it.

I never, ever thought it would happen to me, either.
I thought husband was 100% faithful type.

How wrong I was!
oddly, his “‘Obsession “ was a significantly older woman- That really was a head f&ck at the time.
People thought she was his mum when they moved in together.
They married, but it didn’t last.