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Original poster

Found messages on DH phone

239 replies

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:25

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

OP posts:
Puppers · 19/01/2023 19:48

This isn't an affair-type situation; he's sexually harassing a younger work colleague. Very persistently it would seem.

So in addition to attempting to start an affair, he's a predatory creep. That's two separate absolute deal-breakers for me. Not the kind of man to give precious years of your life to.

QuinkWashable · 19/01/2023 19:48

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

She seems to be completely uninterested, and he's pushing it. Good on her, but absolutely heartbreaking for you.

You have your own career - it gives you choices here, that is good. You take your time, and do this the way that works for you.

AllOfThemWitches · 19/01/2023 19:49

Poor you and poor her, he sounds pathetic and desperate. You can do better, even being single would be better because you're basically alone in the relationship anyway.

idonotmind · 19/01/2023 19:50

These men are utter shits, they really are.

And how fucking pathetic is he? Pandering etc, yuck.

I really feel your pain op - it's not an easy situation at all

pinkpotatoez · 19/01/2023 19:52

He sounds so desperate it's embarrassing. Who continues to flirt with someone when the other person is clearly not interested when they're single, let alone married. Does he understand social cues? He honestly sounds dense

Elsanore · 19/01/2023 19:52

Crikeyalmighty · 19/01/2023 19:05

Around6 years ago @GreenFox I found a ton of songs and poems stuffed in husbands drawer relating to someone 20 years younger who used to do some work for us- he recorded these songs too onto CD with him singing and playing and I put myself through listening to those as well . he was clearly infatuated and I have no idea if she knew or not , although I did know a lot of texting went on at the time. - this all happened about 11 years before I found them though and by the time I found them we had been married 20 years. I know exactly how you feel though because I simply couldn't believe he would do such a thing , he's not a flirter at all and it made me feel very second best- even though he assured me I wasn't. If I had found them at the time it was going on I would have left him , I'm in no doubt about that. I've never in all honesty though felt quite the same again even though I stayed - don't be me!!

I remember you posting about this before. Sounds horrible I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. I hope you have a lot of happiness now despite this.

Zonder · 19/01/2023 19:53

Do you have someone you can talk to in real life there? Sorry you're going through this.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 19/01/2023 19:55

What a bastard.
I’d get his phone, block her number, change OP’s number to her name and then send him some messages. (Would that even work?) Arrange to meet him, the shite!

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 19:57

I'm curious as to why this woman would have not set boundaries with her colleague, I mean... if I had that type of colleague and was not interested (it seems to be her case) I would send him a stern message in the lines of :" Sorry but I feel uncomfortable with your flirting, I don't think it's appropriate and would ask you to please keep things professional and work related". Why is she putting up with his shyte?

TheCatIsOnMyFoot · 19/01/2023 19:59

Urgh. What a creep.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

Remember he did this. Not you.

QuinkWashable · 19/01/2023 20:01

I'm curious as to why this woman would have not set boundaries with her colleague, I mean... if I had that type of colleague and was not interested (it seems to be her case) I would send him a stern message in the lines of :" Sorry but I feel uncomfortable with your flirting, I don't think it's appropriate and would ask you to please keep things professional and work related". Why is she putting up with his shyte?

If he's senior to her, if she's in a male dominated industry and knows that rocking the boat will cause her more career trouble than putting up with it and hoping he goes away, if she's just new and doesn't know she can tell him to get lost?

I'm senior, and I know that when I was younger, I just put other people between me and flirting men rather than raise issues at work

Christmascracker0 · 19/01/2023 20:02

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 19:57

I'm curious as to why this woman would have not set boundaries with her colleague, I mean... if I had that type of colleague and was not interested (it seems to be her case) I would send him a stern message in the lines of :" Sorry but I feel uncomfortable with your flirting, I don't think it's appropriate and would ask you to please keep things professional and work related". Why is she putting up with his shyte?

Good for you but not everyone feels comfortable saying something like that to an older and assuming more senior male colleague.

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 20:05

Christmascracker0 · 19/01/2023 20:02

Good for you but not everyone feels comfortable saying something like that to an older and assuming more senior male colleague.

Show quote history

She defo has a case for sexual harassment at the work place, I would speak to a solicitor.

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 20:06

OP’s husband on the other hand doesn’t sound like the sharpest
tool in the shed.

Funfamilytimes · 19/01/2023 20:07

@GreenFox I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I hope that.. what ever you chose to do.. you’re happy in the future. You seem like a really nice person from your replies/post.

L0bstersLass · 19/01/2023 20:07

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:58

Yes it is creepy and weird. I took pictures on my phone of the messages.

There's one of him saying "I'm staying in xxxx hotel in xxxxx city next week."

This was a family birthday he was going to and I stayed at home to look after DS.

She said "why are you telling me?"

He's lucky she's not had him up in front of HR. That's what I would recommend to any friend receiving this type of unwanted message from a senior colleague.

I feel so sorry for you OP. What a dreadful situation.
If you feel strong enough then I'd suggest you tell him to sling his hook - but I'm no lawyer and you should listen to the legal bods before doing anything.

niugboo · 19/01/2023 20:07

God he’s gross.

arm yourself and confront him.

SouperNoodle · 19/01/2023 20:11

How creepy and embarrassing.
I feel awful for you that he's done this to you and your family.
I feel awful for her because he's literally harassing her.

HarryBlaster · 19/01/2023 20:13

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

It just sounds like you are in denial. Which is understandable. You are still in shock. If I was you I would tell him what you know and either move out or kick him out. Give yourself some headspace and let the rage build when you realise what he’s actually been doing. The trust is shattered and irreparable. Be furious. Be angry. Then give him hell!
I am so sorry op. He’s an arsehole and you deserve so much better. Big hugs x

Original poster
GreenFox · 19/01/2023 20:16

Funfamilytimes · 19/01/2023 20:07

@GreenFox I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I hope that.. what ever you chose to do.. you’re happy in the future. You seem like a really nice person from your replies/post.

Thank you so much, I appreciate that. I don't feel like a great person right now. I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Irishfarmer · 19/01/2023 20:17

This is just awful. I really don't think there is any coming back from that.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/01/2023 20:17

I wouldn’t be able to carry on with him. He was clearly up for an affair. The hotel thing is blatant.
He’s also been a total prat re work potentially risking getting sacked for sexual harassment.
Sounds like she’s ignored him, steered back to work chat rather than reporting him.
I’d ensure you have your ducks in a row, all important docs then tell him it’s over.
Don’t be fobbed off by he hasn’t slept with her. If she’s said do you want me to come to hotel you know the answer was yes.

Hiddenvoice · 19/01/2023 20:22

I’m so sorry you’re going through this- I’ve been in a really similar situation myself except the woman was interested but I caught it very early on.
It’s so tough, as you say, you read posts like this and you instantly think you’d Chuck him out etc but when it’s your life then it’s different.
It’s good you’ve taken pictures. When you’re ready speak to him, confront him. Be calm and ask him to explain who she is. Don’t mention the messages, see if he will be honest at first. You can say you seen her name. Once he’s given a story tell him you’ve seen the messages.
Personally I’d ask him to leave for a few nights, stay elsewhere until you have thinking time to decide what you want.
I kept it all to myself, j was ashamed and hurt. Don’t do what I did , tell someone you’re close to and get their advice.
when you’re ready talk to him again, you’re in charge here. You decide what happens in this relationship.
I know that’s a tough call but you need to do what’s right for you and your child.

AllOfThemWitches · 19/01/2023 20:22

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 19:57

I'm curious as to why this woman would have not set boundaries with her colleague, I mean... if I had that type of colleague and was not interested (it seems to be her case) I would send him a stern message in the lines of :" Sorry but I feel uncomfortable with your flirting, I don't think it's appropriate and would ask you to please keep things professional and work related". Why is she putting up with his shyte?

I can definitely see why she wouldn't do that. Men are fucking pricks.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/01/2023 20:23

What an absolute creepy bastard.
If the young woman was my dd I would be writing to HR and her boss myself demanding they do something about him. In all honesty this is sexual harassment. He could get fired for this if it comes out.
Be has made it plain op. He wants to fuck this young woman. You are no longer doing it for him.
You have 2 choices:
LTB
Stay and know that you are not what he wants. He could also be unemployed soon. A real catch, an unemployed sex pest who lusts after young women.