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Original poster

Found messages on DH phone

239 replies

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:25

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 19/01/2023 20:25

OP, you sound like a bright person. Your husband doesn't. At least confront the snakey, creepy bastard.

Serpensortia · 19/01/2023 20:27

Sorry to hear this happened to you. Some people get through this stuff with marriage counselling etc., I am not one of them, kids or no kids.

You deserve better than this. I wouldn't worry about splitting up the family, he didn't give your family a second thought when he was trying to rope his colleague into an affair with him. Your LO is still young, and will be fine.

I can't tell you want to do, but I personally would leave him. The disregard for your very existence is what boils my blood. Creeping on a his colleague is a massive turn off too.

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 20:33

AllOfThemWitches · 19/01/2023 20:22

I can definitely see why she wouldn't do that. Men are fucking pricks.

Show quote history

Let’s see who is the prick here once she goes to HR with all those screenshots.

Ofbollocks · 19/01/2023 20:34

I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted.
IF you are planning on getting sorted first, and biding your time before you confront him, how about you get these words printed on a t-shirt, and wear it when you do?

23mum · 19/01/2023 20:35

@Ofbollocks LOL

Thon · 19/01/2023 20:37

What an utter prick. Forewarned is forearmed OP. Your gut doesn’t lie.

hatonacat · 19/01/2023 20:38

Ofbollocks · 19/01/2023 20:34

I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted.
IF you are planning on getting sorted first, and biding your time before you confront him, how about you get these words printed on a t-shirt, and wear it when you do?

Or rather I’d hate to be with someone like you. You are nothing I have ever wanted…

Dixiechickonhols · 19/01/2023 20:38

I’d also say he might have been communicating via teams chat or email so it might be more than you’ve seen.

Spookysparkles · 19/01/2023 20:39

im so sorry lovely, but I think you know what his intentions are here and what he would be up to given the opportunity. This is awfully hurtful but you are in a better position to LTB than most. He does not deserve you or your time.

Spookysparkles · 19/01/2023 20:45

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/01/2023 18:39

It sounds to me like she’s trying to manage a difficult situation that could impact on her job. She can hardly block a work colleague can she? Women are often put in the position, where they have to try to keep things amenable while holding a predatory man at arms length.

Agree with this- I have been in this position twice in my career - many many years ago- l was utterly not interested either time, but I felt I had to be careful as did not want to lose my job or be put in another difficult position professionally. Unfortunately this is how these perverts operate and get away with it.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/01/2023 20:46

@Elsanore thank you. Well I stayed partly because options were a bit limited , I was much older and also length of time that had passed before I found out-but I changed things a lot, and I'm not unhappy as such- just don't 100% feel the same as I did before - hence why I want @GreenFox to know that even if they talk through it and he is sorry etc there's a good chance she too won't feel the same either- it's such an absolute bone shaker when you read your husbands words and feel such a mug. in her position with a young child and a career I wouldn't stay-

Bowbellsx · 19/01/2023 20:48

Also screenshot the messages and send them to your self take the twat down….!!!!

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/01/2023 20:49

He's lucky to not get done for sexual harassment

Bowbellsx · 19/01/2023 20:49

ps the t-shirt idea is 👌🏻who do these men think they are making women feel bad about them selves

FurAndFeathers · 19/01/2023 20:51

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:58

Yes it is creepy and weird. I took pictures on my phone of the messages.

There's one of him saying "I'm staying in xxxx hotel in xxxxx city next week."

This was a family birthday he was going to and I stayed at home to look after DS.

She said "why are you telling me?"

That poor woman - he’s sexually harassing her.

you’ve married the office sex pest OP. He doesn’t give a shit about you or your DS - he’s actively seeking an affair. Get legal advice and start to gather finance info

thehourwaslate · 19/01/2023 20:52

Oh no, what a horrible shock to find such messages. I would feel so betrayed, however I would be wary of ending my marriage based on advice from strangers on the internet. People make mistakes, it’s awful that he has said those things, but as far as we know, he hasn’t actually committed adultery. And yes, it sounds like he may have intent, but who is to say it’s not all talk.

Of course it would be hard to move past it, but it would also be hard to break up your marriage and family. Talk to him. Take some time to process your feelings.

Jedsnewstar · 19/01/2023 20:54

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

In his perverted little fantasy she’s playing hard to get.

Ditch him.

Rhondaa · 19/01/2023 20:54

'That poor woman - he’s sexually harassing her.'

Well, tbf she only has to block him. One can't help wondering if she's enjoying it.

Awful shock op. As pp have said you need to talk to him, don't take any crap and don't let him gaslight you Flowers.

Deftandglory · 19/01/2023 20:58

How about confessing to him some made up bollocks about how you are chatting to a bloke at work and how sorry you are?
Let him get all arsey and indignant with you and then say, “ no, sorry my mistake, it’s you doing it” and remind him of everything he said in the last 10 minutes.

butterfliedtwo · 19/01/2023 21:00

He is a total creep and is sexually harassing this woman. I hope he gets reported and faces the consequences. You should boot him the fuck out.

Gross. I hate men like that.

thisisasurvivor · 19/01/2023 21:00

Treacletoots · 19/01/2023 17:33

Oh dear. What a basic predatory creep. You do know you've only one option OP?

Get rid. Today.

Yes

X 109

So sorry op

Creepy fcker

Bigweekend · 19/01/2023 21:02

Rhondaa · 19/01/2023 20:54

'That poor woman - he’s sexually harassing her.'

Well, tbf she only has to block him. One can't help wondering if she's enjoying it.

Awful shock op. As pp have said you need to talk to him, don't take any crap and don't let him gaslight you Flowers.

How do you block someone you need to communicate with for work?. My boss uses WhatsApp for everything, I couldn't block her.

There's something very wrong in the world when women are determined to apportion blame like this.

fuggyatmosphere · 19/01/2023 21:06

So sorry OP. Has he done this before? He seems quite idk… confident in his overtures?

Backstreets · 19/01/2023 21:07

How grim and depressing. I'm sorry OP.

oaties · 19/01/2023 21:08

I was in the same position in 2019, whilst on mat leave. I made him leave and although I was beside myself with a newborn and 3 kids I stuck to my guns.

He hired a divorce solicitor and I was happy to just get over it all. Much to my shock after a year and a bit we got back together. I never thought I'd be that woman. However, he is a totally different man. He did intense counselling and therapy during the year and still goes to counselling now. He is an amazing father, takes them to school, collects them, makes lunches and gets the younger two dressed. When we got back together I wasn't messing around anymore.

4 years on and our family genuinely couldn't be happier. At the time I didn't think I'd ever get over the pain and he saw a side to me even I didn't know I had (I was fuming) however now it's how it should have been from the beginning.

During that year I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, I should have won an Oscar nomination for how I was infront of him (confident, put together, acted like life was amazing without him, lost weight from the lack of eating and sleep but hey ho) when in reality I'd break down every night and cry once the kids went to bed, didn't sleep in our bed for months and struggled to to just keep things together for the kids if I'm honest.

Only you know what will work for you and your family. At the time everyone had their opinion but the only opinion that matters is yours.

Best of luck xxxxx

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