Found messages on DH phone

[GreenFox]

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

[Ludo19]

I'm not sure if it's classed as an emotional affair because she didn't reciprocate. For me though, I wouldn't be able to get past those words. He's happy to tell this woman she's someone he wishes he was with.....what an utter betrayal.

[Shekissedagirlandshelikedit]

He's testing the water with her and it sounds like she's not interested.
I'm sorry op.

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

I could never be someone second best, he is telling her she is perfect and all he has ever wanted, meaning you are not.

I would take screen shots and start divorce proceedings

[GreenFox]

It's the fact she's not even particularly responsive to him as well. At one point she just said "awww" in response to one of his adoring messages. I feel sick.

His profile picture is of our DS. I don't know why that's bothering me so much.

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

Ewww. He’s a predatory creep. Pestering someone a fair bit younger. Is that what you want?

[GreenFox]

@Yesthatismychildsigh

Ewww. He’s a predatory creep. Pestering someone a fair bit younger. Is that what you want?

Not at all :(

[Treacletoots]

Oh dear. What a basic predatory creep. You do know you've only one option OP?

Get rid. Today.

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

@GreenFox

Not at all :(

Then either leave or kick his creepy arse out. I know it’s sometimes easier said than done but surely you just feel revulsion when he’s around.

[MogHog]

He sounds awful.
He needs to stop before he risks losing his job if she reports him for sexual harassment which let's face it she would be well within her rights to.

[Comtesse]

Screenshot the messages

[Treacletoots]

Don't let him try to gaslight you that he hasn't done anything wrong.

It's irrelevant. He has intent and has already shown you awful disrespect. There's only one way to treat a man who disrespects his partner.

[GreenFox]

I just would never have believed it (I know people always say that.)

Could he just be saying this stuff but not actually mean it? There aren't any other messages to anyone else like this. It's just her. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Maybe I'm just clutching at straws.

[Frosty1000]

Really sorry OP, whilst she's not really reciprocating, it's still being said so the desire to stay is there. You deserve better

I'd keep the evidence and confront him.

[pinkfondu]

He sounds a smitten kitten

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

@GreenFox

I just would never have believed it (I know people always say that.)

Could he just be saying this stuff but not actually mean it? There aren't any other messages to anyone else like this. It's just her. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Maybe I'm just clutching at straws.

Whether he means it or not is irrelevant really. He’s a sleazy predator. Dirty little excuse for a man.

[cpphelp]

Surely OP you know that if she gave the green light (which she clearly isn't) there'd be a hotel room booked within days?
This would be end of marriage for me, and I say that as a SAHM with zero income with a H who earns six figures. You're in a FAR better position than me. sorry OP.

[CavalierApproach]

@GreenFox

I just would never have believed it (I know people always say that.)

Could he just be saying this stuff but not actually mean it? There aren't any other messages to anyone else like this. It's just her. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Maybe I'm just clutching at straws.

I’m really sorry, OP, this is horrible for you; but I don’t think any of that makes it any better.

Whether he means it literally or not, it kind of doesn’t matter; he still had a purpose in saying it. So either he means it and he really does want to “be with her” — or he just said that as a way of trying to get close to her for something short-term.

[Sandra1984]

Your husband sounds like that married office creep sex pest who says really innapropiate things to his female much younger colleagues. We’ve all had one at some point.

[Jackieweaverslobsterphone]

It's not the fact that anything has happened or not, it's the blatant disrespect that I couldn't put up with. You've helped him out in bad times in the past and grown and birthed a whole new human being with his dna and he treats you like this? I'm sorry that you've found this out but it would be over for me.

[Fedupofdiets]

Ewwwww what a creep. What are you going to do OP?

[OldFan]

How tragic of him. Maybe have words with him OP. It's not ok anyway as he's married to you, and it could also land him in trouble at work maybe if she reports that she's uncomfortable with these unsolicited comments.

[LolaMoon]

@GreenFox

I just would never have believed it (I know people always say that.)

Could he just be saying this stuff but not actually mean it? There aren't any other messages to anyone else like this. It's just her. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Maybe I'm just clutching at straws.

No. There is no way on earth a man would tell a female colleague 10 years younger than him that she is "perfect" and he'd "love to be with someone like her" and it be purely platonic. He was basically seeing if she'd sleep with him/testing the waters to make a move. I'm so so sorry and I get why you'd try to find the innocence in this but there is none I'm afraid and I think deep down you know this. You deserve better.

[Notjusta]

Honestly OP, speaking from experience, you will never really get past this and fully trust him again. I agree with PP who said if she'd indicated that she was interested, in all likelihood he'd have taken it further.

Also the cringe factor would be a nail in the coffin for me. She's obviously not interested and he's continuing to pester her.

[GreenFox]

Yes it is creepy and weird. I took pictures on my phone of the messages.

There's one of him saying "I'm staying in xxxx hotel in xxxxx city next week."

This was a family birthday he was going to and I stayed at home to look after DS.

She said "why are you telling me?"

[pilates]

That’s a betrayal in my book.

He wants to start an affair with her 😞