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Original poster

Found messages on DH phone

239 replies

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:25

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

OP posts:
Zonder · 20/01/2023 07:29

He needs to hope she doesn't take this further and make a complaint about him harassing her.

Funfamilytimes · 20/01/2023 07:36

@GreenFox You’ve done nothing wrong. You had a gut feeling and it was right unfortunately. Just take as much time as you need to make the best decision for you and your little one. In my opinion… it happens to the kindest of people. Bad things happen to good people and all that. It’s because deep down you’ll be able to deal with it and you’ll come out stronger for it too (again, with whatever decision you make)

Bethany7 · 20/01/2023 07:54

So sorry O.P.
You deserve so much better.
Good luck with sorting all the practicalities out. It will be a hard time initially but then so much better in the long run and you will be happier again one day
Your husband sounds just pathetic quite frankly and you can do better

HollywoodOrange · 20/01/2023 08:10

So sorry you’re going through this @GreenFox

Not sure if this has been mentioned but I’d maybe ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships, I found lots of support there when I went through similar.

Be kind to yourself right now and know this is not about you.

I would try and calmly (easier said than done) gather all of the information you have, and when you’re ready confront him about it. Be ready for everything to be minimised initially though, even with the proof you have got.

💐

DarceyG · 20/01/2023 08:36

I used to do meditation in bed on detaching from toxic ex. In the beginning you do have cognitive dissonance from all the gaslighting but that should be leaving you by now. See him for what he is a selfish narcissistic shitbag who has nothing to offer anyone. They act like they are the best thing in the world but really they hate themselves. How can they possibly love anyone else, you just become an emotional punching bag for all their projections. It’s hell on earth being with a man like this. Once you’re out with a good distance stay out.

DarceyG · 20/01/2023 08:37

Sorry wrong thread🥴

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 09:11

Forget the fact that she didn't reciprocate.

It just means that if she did, he would have definitely taken it further.

Bin him!

Mirabai · 20/01/2023 11:27

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 09:11

Forget the fact that she didn't reciprocate.

It just means that if she did, he would have definitely taken it further.

Bin him!

No don’t forget the fact she didn’t reciprocate. The fact she didn’t means this is a clear case of sexual harassment. If she puts in a formal complaint, as she should, he will be toast.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/01/2023 14:14

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone. I've read enough threads on here over the years to know what I have to do. I just never thought this would happen to me.

I'll have to speak to him obviously but I don't even know how to start thinking about it.

I think I'd start by asking him if he's trying to get himself sacked, that it's clear this younger woman is not responding to his advances and she has enough evidence on him to have him hauled over for persistent harassment and fired. It's possible by going in at it from this angle rather than 'why are you chatting up another woman' you might catch him off guard and he'll admit it before he realises, but I wouldn't count on it.

Her 'why are you telling me?' in response to him telling her what hotel he'd be at and when was an absolute stonker of a response and he should have taken the huge hint then, but - he didn't. Completely lacking in self-awareness.

After starting on his twattishness at putting his job at risk, then I'd move on to the personal. Probably along the lines of 'she clearly doesn't want you and now, neither do I'.

He'll undoubtedly do the 'offend that you've snooped' line - it seems to be in the script - but I'd just fire back that his behaviour made it clear to you that there was something to be found and so you found it, you lying duplicitous would-be-adulterous shite of a man.

JFDIYOLO · 20/01/2023 15:03

When this happened to me, I KNEW something was up; his new interest in his appearance, going every day to the cafe where the much younger woman worked, the mentionitis ...

So I did the whole going through his phone thing while he was in the bath and photographing the few texts I could see (actually nothing creepy or overt, but clearly coming from a smitten place with nothing I could see from her, plus the moony romantic 'poetry' he'd taken to writing in his phone.)

But I knew he was getting emotionally involved so i sat him down, showed him the pics and had The Talk.

My heart was hammering, but I could see it wasn't my imagination - he was seeing in her the hippy girls of his youth, and regretting its loss.

We actually got through it, and get on fine now. He knows I knew.

I would say have the talk. You have the evidence for behaviour that is unacceptable to you.

What you have to decide now is what you're going to do. Is it a relationship breaker? Or a hiccup that will pass, a growth can be snipped off??
Only you know that.
Is it worth the effort to save?

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 20/01/2023 18:34

I like @kateandme post about the fact your saving your family by protecting you and your little ones from his awful behaviour.

This is a very good mindset to have.

Passthechocolatesplease · 21/01/2023 09:16

Rstuvwxyz · 19/01/2023 23:42

This is really rough for you - and I totally understand the not wanting to split your family up. It’s so difficult, it’s a huge responsibility to be the one doing the actual breaking up, even if it’s someone else who has been disrespectful/deceitful.

just know that the decision is yours. I hope whichever you choose, it’s right for you and your son in the long run. If you can see yourselves getting through this without any residual damage then stick it out, but if you feel like the trust is irreparable then you should probably call it quits before this happens again in future and you’re older/feeling like he wasted your years of being able to find someone else and be happy.

you definitely should confront him though, when you’re ready. Expect a bit of backlash for looking at his phone however, you should be glad you did else you wouldn’t of found out this information.

Sending you lots of love 💜

A very sensible and thoughtful answer.

EmmaDilemma5 · 21/01/2023 09:17

Dump him.

DrManhattan · 21/01/2023 09:23

Another vote for get rid.
He could lose his job as well if she reports him for harassment. You deserve so much better than this xxx

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