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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found messages on DH phone

239 replies

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:25

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

OP posts:

IvanaB · 19/01/2023 19:16

He's embarrassing himself, making his colleague uncomfortable and disrespecting you. He's pathetic and you deserve better. Sorry you're going through this, and at such a vulnerable time in your life with a young baby. It's nit going to be easy but you're better off without him x

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 19/01/2023 19:17

Eugh he's sexually harassing her. Men like that tend to escalate. Get out while you can before he loses his job. Is he senior to her?

AbsoluteYawns · 19/01/2023 19:17

Gosh that's heartbreaking OP.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've read enough threads on here to know the vipers will be here to offer support.
Good luck. He doesn't deserve you.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 19/01/2023 19:22

@hatonacat I have read your posts. Doesn't excuse your first comment. It was nasty and uncalled for.

These things truly knock the stuffing out of you and it's very hard to feel your world as you knew it has changed forever in the blink of an eye. Especially your child's future.

If you've never experienced this, think yourself lucky. And stop being so mean to someone who has just had her world flipped.

SheldonsShoulder · 19/01/2023 19:23

He sounds pathetic. Find your anger OP. The next woman he does this with might not rebuff him. It’s only a matter of time before he physically cheats on you.

CavalierApproach · 19/01/2023 19:24

arcencielpoisson · 19/01/2023 18:28

I'm sorry @GreenFox

But you didn't split up your family.

He did that all by himself.

It's better to stop living with him while DS is so very young.

100% agree

Be strong, OP. I know it’s easy for us to say that. I’m really sorry.

For your baby’s sake, it’s much, much better that you don’t stay with a man who has the capacity to treat you this way.

Arou · 19/01/2023 19:24

This is really sad. I’m so sorry OP. I would find this so incredibly hurtful and I’m not sure I could move past it.

The fact she is younger and so obviously rebuffing him in a cordial but obvious way and him still trying his luck is really quite disgusting.

I hope you know this is not anything to do with you as a person and everything to do with the kind of person he is… 💐

Trees6 · 19/01/2023 19:25

Take legal advice first, OP. Know where you stand.

I think that it may be wise to end the marriage sooner rather than later ie before this woman reports him to HR or it all blows up in some other way. But don’t rush and make mistakes. Be adequately prepared.

Good luck. It is soooo difficult currently, but a year from now you’ll look back on this thread and you’ll be glad and proud that you kicked him into touch.

Original poster

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 19:27

I don't blame the woman he's messaging at all. He could have told her he's single for all I know. Even if she was responsive, I'm not married to her, I'm married to him. Which clearly doesn't mean that much to him.

OP posts:

Sasha07 · 19/01/2023 19:29

Bloody hell op. My heart feels for you. I won't slag him off, everyone else has said it already. It's all fresh for you, you're bound to be a bag of emotions. It's natural to try to rationalise things but... Once it's sank in, grieve for the man you thought he was but be mad at the man he's turned into. Don't blame yourself for anything (not saying you have already etc), don't try to figure it out.... Just let it sink in what he's done.

That stuff he's said to her... I feel sorry for her too. But she's not the one who's going through what you are. Find your strength and keep your dignity. Speak to him when you want, on your terms. Stonewall him when you need to but do not do the 'pick me' dance. As it is, he's having his cake and eating it. Take the homely, comfortable option away. She doesn't want him. You don't want him (you likely still do atm but soon it will hit you, you deserve so much better), let him have the life he thought he wanted. Let him miss the life he had. Let him see how cold the nights are when he hasn't got his loving wife there for him. Let him lie in the bed he thought he wanted. Except with neither of you by his side.

Take care of yourself and your baby. It will be hard but I raised two babies alone when their dad wanted 'fun' elsewhere. I cried many times in the bath and on the kitchen floor. BUT imagine the life you could have with a decent man. It will happen. You just have to ride this shit out the best you can first. Sorry for the long reply. I just know it's heartbreaking and a million other emotions atm for you. This feeling doesn't last forever. Take it a day at a time. You owe him nothing, treat yourself as a priority. Good luck op.

Campervangirl · 19/01/2023 19:33

Poor you, he's an absolute pig and you deserve better.
She's obviously not interested and contrary to what ops have posted it's not on her to tell him to stop, he shouldn't be doing it in the first place and from her replies and lack of replies she probably feels very uncomfortable.
Reporting harassment at work doesn't always go the way you hope it will and she probably worried about repercussions, embarrassment and looking like you can't stick up for yourself ie weak.
Here's a few examples of what I've dealt with working in a male dominated environment.
A man put his hand inside the sleeve of my top and touched my boob.
Another put his hand between my legs when I was walking upstairs.
Another grabbed me from behind whilst I was leaning forward over a desk and simulated sex whilst grinding his penis into my bottom.
Not forgetting all the inappropriate "banter"
What came of it?
I got a reputation as a trouble maker.
Especially as on each occasion I seriously kicked off and because of that my behavior was deemed inappropriate.
So let's have less of the victim blaming.
As for you op, prepare to be gaslit, he's an arsehole and you sling his arse out

Duckingella · 19/01/2023 19:33

He's actively flirting with another woman and is obviously looking to cheat on you with her as he's testing the waters with the shit he tells her and he got rejected.

Has she given him the green light he would have cheated on you.

Makes you wonder what else he's been up to.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/01/2023 19:34

Get hold of his phone and send a message saying to her so sorry my husband has been harassing you. I'm going to be divorcing him but if I were you I wouldn't go anywhere near him

Magnoliasunrise · 19/01/2023 19:34

Absolutely devastating and I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree with the others that you need to get financial admin done and practical stuff like can you or him (probably him) stay elsewhere for the next couple of weeks till you make some decisions. Once you get through this (and you definitely will) I don't think you will ever regret leaving him. Dont worry about your child - much better now than in 10 years time when it will be a lot more emotional for them.

HelloBunny · 19/01/2023 19:34

More than one bloke did this to me when I worked in an office. I had a fling with the single guy (who is now married, and probably still putting it about). But not the married ones. Though, given the chance they would have... There was loads of emails & texts that were totally inappropriate. Their wives had no idea! Thankfully it was a time before smartphones & there was no dick pics or anything...

Ladybug14 · 19/01/2023 19:35

What a disgusting man

mustgetoffmn · 19/01/2023 19:36

Sounds like he could be being a nuisance to them?

Ceecee1983 · 19/01/2023 19:39

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:36

I just would never have believed it (I know people always say that.)

Could he just be saying this stuff but not actually mean it? There aren't any other messages to anyone else like this. It's just her. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Maybe I'm just clutching at straws.

Im so sorry, it must have been a horrible shock. Your gut knew something wasnt right though, well done for listening to it.

You have to ask yourself here - Why would you say this to someone not meaning it and risking your wife seeing it. He's said it in the hope she says the same back. He's then woke up in the morning, seen she's not replied and got worried.

She's probably screenshotted his messages and he's sitting in her friends whatsapp groups being laughed at. Shame on him for disrespecting you this way! How rude!

At the end of the day, this is your marriage and only you can decide how you move on from this but guarenteed he'll probably cry, ask for forgiveness and blame you for snooping.

Whatever you decide, good luck. xxx

ColdHandsHotHead · 19/01/2023 19:39

From what you've posted here, I would say she's probably deeply uncomfortable, trying not to offend him and not sure what more she can do without telling him to fuck off. You'll be doing her a favour if you confront him.

Dinodelight · 19/01/2023 19:40

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:36

I just would never have believed it (I know people always say that.)

He’s saying it because he wants to get in her pants, doesn’t matter if he really means it or not!

HALGEM999 · 19/01/2023 19:41

Get his phone and message her saying I apologise for my husbands disgusting predatory behaviour. It will not happen again.

Then don't say anything to your husband so when he goes to message her again, he will see your message and know that you know. In the meantime sort your finances etc out to leave him if that's what you decide.

I'm sorry this is happening to you xx

cptartapp · 19/01/2023 19:42

Well he's shot himself in the foot hasn't he. See how he'll find the time now to creep after younger women alongside sole care of his son 24/7 half of every week now the marriage is over.

mustgetoffmn · 19/01/2023 19:44

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 18:01

Is it weird that I'm more annoyed at the fact he's continuing to pursue her when she's clearly not interested.

If he was having some big affair where they were both in love then that would almost make it easier. She's not bothered and he's still all over her. He must be obsessed with her.

Well the fact she’s not interested makes it even more of a turn off for you and also it’s sort of more insulting. But I guess it could be the style of messaging and lack of interest from her that he’s getting kicks from ?

SeeYouNextTLol · 19/01/2023 19:45

What an arsehole. Disrespectful and cringe.

0shit · 19/01/2023 19:45

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I've just found out my husband has physically cheated on me with another woman at work and I never thought he would do that to me or our family.
Figuring out what to do at the moment but it really is an awful position to be in and what selfish pricks they are to give no thoughts to their actions.

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