Found messages on DH phone

[GreenFox]

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

Jesus, he is repulsive. And like so many men, too sure deluded of his own desirability that he is into harassment-levels of messaging a much younger woman.

I’d be tempted to message the woman separately to say who I was making it clear I didn’t blame her, but telling her I’d seen the messages. That was she can protect herself and cut him off entirely and maybe even log it in work. If he’s in a position of authority, he could be in shit.

Strength and anger to you OP.

Exactly this.

He risks being sacked.

'There's something very wrong in the world when women are determined to apportion blame like this.'

I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming him however if someone was sending me inappropriate messages like this I'd block them after explaining why. Plenty of other ways of communicating for work purposes.

Gross. So sorry OP. You and your little one deserve so much better.

@GreenFox

I'd take stock of your finances tonight. Check balances online, print latest statements, make sure you have some money that he can't touch.

Gather important paperwork: birth & marriage certificates, mortgage docs, passports for you and DS, all financial records, etc.

Make an appointment with a family lawyer to walk you through options.

Only then confront him.

If you can. I appreciate you may want to have it out with him immediately!

Big love to you, OP.

Once it's all underway, and you can see your future path, I'd be very tempted to report him to HR myself. Absolutely grim sexual harrassment in the workplace.

I agree with the poster who said to kick him out for a bit to give you time to decide what you want to do. Take control of the situation.. it'll make you feel better and show him how serious this is.
You are in a much stronger position than him, being the main earner. Perhaps in a few days when the dust has settled, you could book an appointment with a solicitor, just to see where you stand.
At the end of the day, whether or not you stay with him is up to you. But you now know what kind of man he is and I'd bet my life that somewhere down the line there will be another woman who catches his eye, and next time she might actually be interested.
Get a friend/relative round for support and please remember that this hasn't happened because you're not good enough. He is the one who's not good enough for you💐

You don't know why it's bothering you so much?
Your husband is either sexually harassing a colleague or having an affair.
Either way I'd be changing the locks

He is harassing her and he will lose his job when (not if) she reports him. Yuck.

I would be shocked and horrified at reading those messages. He clearly fancies her and if she was interested he would be in the midst of an affair. I would have his bags packed as I have zero tolerance for cheats or wannabe cheats

It's the things he said. It's sickening.
I couldn't get past that. What a scumbag he is.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I've been there OP, and yes, it's complicated when you see evidence of your partner basically harassing someone. Like you, it was completely out of the blue- he seemed to be so nice and not that type at all. I actually thought he was a bit naive and traditional because he never seemed to notice other women at all, and said all the right things to me.
Then I found messages on his phone (wasn't snooping- one flashed up when he was taking a romantic selfie of us, the bastard) and I read the whole thread. He was trying and trying and she wasn't reciprocating, or trying to diffuse. I was stunned. Not just because he was capable of going behind my back, but because he was capable of being such a pushy, pervy wanker. He'd put this poor woman in a horrible position (she was the cleaner so it would have been very difficult for her) and it felt predatory to me.
When confronted, he said that nothing happened, which was only true because she wouldn't have it. I stayed for a while, but he just wasn't who I fell in love with, I could see both sides of him. I then found out that he was doing the same sort of thing in different ways (i.e. not messages but irl) to anyone who thought he might be in with a chance with. The one he succeeded with was my best mate. Bastards.

You can take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do OP- Just breathe for a bit. I think you probably know that there isn't much hope for the relationship though- He's just not the nice bloke you thought he was. I'm so sorry. X

What sexist bollocks.

No, women do not enjoy being sexually harassed in the workplace.

If they need to communicate for work then she can’t block him without reporting him to HR which she sadly may feel unable to do. If he’s 10 years older than her he’s likely more senior for a start.

I’m staying in xxxx hotel in xxxxx city next week.

He was clearly hoping she would join him at the hotel for some fun after his family birthday gathering.

Greenfox, his duplicity must be a great shock to your system. Despite your love, support, and family life with your sweet baby, he was investing in infidelity by chasing his colleague.

My trust and respect for him would plummet to zero, and he’d be staying elsewhere while I considered my options.

Honestly this sounds like your husband is being a total creep, esp when she seems to ignore or redivert the chat back to work. I would confront him and leave him.

You blamed her in your first comment, and you are blaming her again in this comment, why are you trying to make her responsibility for what he is doing? Seriously, just stop.

• responsible

Weirdest thing (maybe? Maybe not) is that OP doesn't think he's ever actually met her irl!

Oh no, I can imagine you feel like the rug has fully been pulled from under you right now 💐what your husband is doing, to both you and the woman he is messaging is so wrong, he is disrespecting both of you - I couldn't stay with my husband in this situation, and I don't think you should either, I think you deserve so much better. You're in a brilliant position of being the main earner, and your son is still young so that will be easier too than waiting it out for a few years and the inevitable happening when your son is older and understands more.

Men are just big children. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's not you that's splitting your family up. You've done nothing wrong.
Pretty hard to unsee those words written to another woman.

This won't be the first time he's harassed someone and it won't be the last. Even if you confront him and he promises faithfully that "nothing happened" and "it was just titillation" etc, etc, he will never stop. He has shown you his true colours.

He need the validation and the excitement of chasing women. If he is senior to her, he may get off on the bullying aspect of pursuing her whilst she can't tell him to fuck off. He is a pathetic creep. He sounds like the bloke in the office that everyone avoided, who undressed you with his eyes and made lewd remarks while holding onto your hips while he just squeezed past. 😝 You will start to feel ashamed of him, especially in front of his female work colleagues. You will feel foolish, like everyone knows what he's like.

He may plead and beg or try to turn the blame onto you by accusing you of no interest in sex anymore, not paying him attention or tell you you are breaking the family up. This situation is not your fault. He decided to behave like this and jeopardise your life together. He was either trying to upgrade to a younger model (how original) or make himself feel less old/fat/bald by being able to get anyone to sleep with him. Why do men think that someone 10years younger will make them feel better about themselves?!!

You will never ever trust him again. You start to think you are not good enough. He will wreck your self esteem. Don't do the "pick me dance" as you will hate yourself afterwards. If he wasn't content with you and your little baby, and he was seeking out other women, what would make you think he would be content in future. He's proved he is untrustworthy. Its better to rip the plaster off now, whilst you are still young enough to build a good life for yourself. Your baby won't miss living with him as he/she won't remember it. Its really good you have a good job, hang onto it and build your pension up.

You need to get all your important documents together, hold your head up high and ask/tell him to leave or pack some stuff for him, leave it on the doorstep/at his Mums. You don't owe him an explanation, you can take as long as you need to think it over.
Your baby needs you to be happy. He won't make you happy as you are always going to be thinking he's looking at or pursuing other women. You can be happy on your own, its easier to be happy on your own than stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust. You will be so emotional but try to look at the situation honestly. Everyone I know who stayed with a cheater wishes they chucked them out straight away.

Don't waste your life on this man. You deserve better and you can give yourself better. Be strong and good luck.

I think you should really fuck his head up. I think you should just say to him, cool as you like, ‘continuing to pursue that woman over message even though she’s not interested is going to get you in serious trouble with HR if you’re not careful,’ then just let it drop. Watch how long it takes for the oh shit moment to happen.

silence is a wonderful thing, because people always feel the need to fill it. Leave as much space as you can and don’t react to anything, let him feel the awkwardness and see how he fills it up.

Then leave his sorry ass, obviously.

He is whats known as affair ready. He is actively trying to seek out an affair partner and at some point he’ll be successful.

This is actually far worse than a friendship that strays into emotional affair territory. It is entirely deliberate and calculated.

To all those suggesting that the OP immediately kick her husband's sorry ass to the curb - how many of you have been through this sort of scenario? Do people really go from reading a series of text messages on Monday, to kicking the jerk out on Tuesday, to reviewing their options with a lawyer on Friday? If so - do you not experience any grief or uncertainty or fear?

OP, all I have to say is that you have been through a major shock, and whatever you do, I hope it is with purpose and agency. You might decide you need to speak with your husband immediately; or you might need a bit of time to think things through. It's your choice – you don't have to move to anyone else's timeframe. But I hope you can see from this thread that you're not alone. 💐