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Original poster

Found messages on DH phone

239 replies

GreenFox · 19/01/2023 17:25

I know I shouldn't have snooped but something was niggling at me.

I found whatsapp messages the other day between him and a "colleague." They both work remotely but for the same company so I don't think they've ever actually met irl.

He was being overly flirtatious and complimentary towards her. It looks like a lot of previous messages have been deleted so I think they have been chatting for a long time. A lot of it was work stuff. She's about 10 years younger than him from what I can see and most of the time brushes off what he's saying or brings it back to work chat.

He told her that she is perfect and "I would love to be with someone like you." "You are everything I have ever wanted." These messages were sent late at night and she didn't respond. The next day he messaged her at 7am asking if she was annoyed at him. 😖

We've been together for years and have a 1 year old DS. I'm the main breadwinner and have supported him through a lot of issues.

OP posts:
hatonacat · 19/01/2023 18:44

Bigweekend · 19/01/2023 18:40

You are blaming her. It's difficult to block someone you need to be in contact with for work.

Show quote history

I’m not blaming her. I read it more carefully and obviously he is a predator. I do wish she’d tell him to stop or she’ll report him though. But I know it’s not that easy for everyone, especially if she is young.

Op could reply to her that she’s sorry her dh is such an arse and harrassing her..

Farmageddon · 19/01/2023 18:44

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/01/2023 18:39

It sounds to me like she’s trying to manage a difficult situation that could impact on her job. She can hardly block a work colleague can she? Women are often put in the position, where they have to try to keep things amenable while holding a predatory man at arms length.

I was thinking this too, having been in a similar situation a few years ago - it was so awkward. I wonder if he is more senior than her, or in a position of authority. She may not have the confidence to tell him to back off, or worry about losing her job or something. She's probably extremely embarrassed.

He sounds creepy and totally disrespectful to you OP.

Pugsbladder · 19/01/2023 18:45

What fun if between you she arranged to meet him and when he showed up, there you are sitting by her side. The shock on his face would be great to record. Seriously though, sometimes it's not easy to expose a predator when you have the misfortune to really need that job.

LordSugarTits · 19/01/2023 18:47

"Get hold of his phone.

Under her name, change the number to yours.

Message him as her, saying something like “But what about your wife?” or similar.

When he says something like “We haven’t slept together for years” or any variation of the script, get angry and take him to the cleaners."

Was just about to type the same thing. Remember to change your WhatsApp photo though.

Give him plenty of rope OP.

How was the hotel? Bed comfy?

What about your wife?

You've got a kid though....

Don't you love your life? It'll get ruined if we get caught.

What's your wife like?

LordSugarTits · 19/01/2023 18:48

"What fun if between you she arranged to meet him and when he showed up, there you are sitting by her side."

Or if the OP simply changed the number in his phone to hers and blanked out her WhatsApp photo

LikeTearsInRain · 19/01/2023 18:48

I feel sorry for his colleague. I’m guessing he may be more senior because of the age difference? Or at the very least she doesn’t feel comfortable to completely shut it down in case there is some kind of consequences

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 19/01/2023 18:49

Stop supporting him and ditch him let him deal with his issues and some more

Jimboscott0115 · 19/01/2023 18:51

I'll be honest OP and think this is wrong on two levels.

The first being that he's messaging this shit to someone else which is basically him attempting to cheat and I'd class it as cheating.

The second is possibly as bad as I had a female friend who said this when the same thing happened - she said she could have perhaps forgiven the messages in time but couldn't get over what a sad little simp her man was for this other woman and she lost all respect (and attraction) to him pretty immediately.

Keepfocused · 19/01/2023 18:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sleepyhead32 · 19/01/2023 18:53

Ask yourself what would be happening if she was reciprocating. It's only because she's not interested that it hasn't gone further.

It's also grim that he is pursuing someone younger who clearly doesn't want his advances but may be intimidated and doesn't want to piss him off by being blunt. It's gross on many levels. I think you know what you need to do.

CockSpadget · 19/01/2023 18:54

There’s probably an alternate thread on here titled “creepy older married colleague keeps sending inappropriate texts”
He deserves to lose his family and his job. Sorry OP, it’s going to be a bit shit for you for a while, but you deserve better, and you will come out of the other side just fine.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 19/01/2023 18:55

Get your ducks in a row and plan your next move.

Leaving him will, obviously, be a massive change but it will be ok and you will look back and know you did the right thing by putting yourself first.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 19/01/2023 18:55

@hatonacat oh ffs!!! Back off with your catty comments!! How do YOU know she's not going to do anything!!

She's JUST found out, it's a complete headfuck, she's in a whirl of emotions, give her a fucking chance to think!

OP I agree you need to think and plan (and move money out of joint accounts) before you speak to him and show him the messages. Get yourself ahead of him - so you can do the best for your little one.

WelliesandWine88 · 19/01/2023 18:58

Bin him...he's disrespectful to you...and by the sounds of it he's creep...we've all known that guy..the one who makes our skin crawl but we have to be nice be they're a colleague... I'd not be able to look at him the same again....

hatonacat · 19/01/2023 18:59

@WedonttalkaboutMaureen did you even read my posts where I followed up..?

But no, op is making excuses for him already. Hopefully it’s just the first step.

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/01/2023 18:59

Take your time, get all the money/practical stuff sorted, go and see a lawyer to see what would likely happen in a divorce.
It’s embarrassing for him that he keeps chasing a clearly uninterested women-it’s honestly given me the ick. It also shows you that he is perfectly whiling to cheat on you if he gets the opportunity.

Itsrudemeghan · 19/01/2023 19:00

Do whatever you need to do to turf him out of the house.

Get angry and send the screenshots to his HR team along with concerns that he’s harassing his colleague.

DulcetTones · 19/01/2023 19:02

Yuck. He's not only a wanna-be cheater, but he's embarrassingly over-eager despite all signs pointing to his colleague lack of interest. He's making a pathetic clichéd joke of himself. What a stupid man!

dogdaydown · 19/01/2023 19:04

He's lucky he's not been sacked, poor woman being on the receiving end of that.

I'm also sorry for you OP, you must feel terribly let down and embarrassed by him.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/01/2023 19:05

Around6 years ago @GreenFox I found a ton of songs and poems stuffed in husbands drawer relating to someone 20 years younger who used to do some work for us- he recorded these songs too onto CD with him singing and playing and I put myself through listening to those as well . he was clearly infatuated and I have no idea if she knew or not , although I did know a lot of texting went on at the time. - this all happened about 11 years before I found them though and by the time I found them we had been married 20 years. I know exactly how you feel though because I simply couldn't believe he would do such a thing , he's not a flirter at all and it made me feel very second best- even though he assured me I wasn't. If I had found them at the time it was going on I would have left him , I'm in no doubt about that. I've never in all honesty though felt quite the same again even though I stayed - don't be me!!

toocold54 · 19/01/2023 19:07

Yes, but the thought of splitting my family up is just too much at the moment.

He is the one trying to split the family up.

He is so desperate to be with another woman, that he’s constantly on at one who doesn’t even like him.

What if she changes her mind or he gets another woman’s number?

He wouldn’t think twice about you and his child.

Ottil · 19/01/2023 19:08

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/01/2023 18:39

It sounds to me like she’s trying to manage a difficult situation that could impact on her job. She can hardly block a work colleague can she? Women are often put in the position, where they have to try to keep things amenable while holding a predatory man at arms length.

Yes, she could be trying to find the right way to deal with this. She might be feeling really, really stressed and unhappy about how to deal with a longer-serving employee harassing her. I've been in a similar position when I was younger and it was truly awful. We have no idea if the company has a reputation for ditching 'troublesome' employees, not supporting women, whatever.

MsDogLady · 19/01/2023 19:11

I would love to be with someone like you. You are everything I have ever wanted.

What a horrific betrayal, Greenfox. Your H is making an utter mockery of you and your little boy. I would feel so hurt by his determined pursuit of this woman, but also livid at being made an object of pity, and perhaps gossip.

This would be an absolute dealbreaker.

Mammajay · 19/01/2023 19:13

Ths must be heartbreaking for you. It's easy to say do this or do that but until you found the texts you presumably loved him. Only you can react as you. I would go ballistic, but that's my nature. Perhaps there is someone in real life you feel close enough to see in person so you can let your feelings out and start to plan what to do. Good luck.

hatonacat · 19/01/2023 19:15

MsDogLady · 19/01/2023 19:11

I would love to be with someone like you. You are everything I have ever wanted.

What a horrific betrayal, Greenfox. Your H is making an utter mockery of you and your little boy. I would feel so hurt by his determined pursuit of this woman, but also livid at being made an object of pity, and perhaps gossip.

This would be an absolute dealbreaker.

This.