Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

[user1474905027]

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

I know this must have been a shock, but in the kindest way possible, it's not your decision to make. He may have a problem and she's decided to stick by him; some would say that's admirable. In a way it's better that this happened before the sale went through, before they had chance to intertwine their finances and credit ratings etc. I would suggest being there for her, giving her sound financial advice if she asks (or pointing her towards good resources), but staying out of it beyond that.

She needs to leave him as she will have a lifetime of grief and lies!

Why are you being made to feel the bad person?

its Not your place to forgive. It’s hers. You can’t get involved like this, you can advise when she asks and be supportive. But not this, never this,

"The house and dreams of their future had gone."

Whose dreams? She still got a future. He's an addict. This is her decision. Similar happened to my DD, except they'd been together for sixteen years. They bought another house and he's five years over his addiction. You need to separate yourself from your daughter. What has he done to you to need your forgiveness? You'll lose your Daughter.

I do get you are concerned but it isn't your thing, it is up to her what she does

You can only be there for her if/when it all goes wrong

My dbro was in the scenario a few years ago and I'm glad that his mil didn't take your stand, him and his wife worked together and got him help and his days of gambling are well behind him now.

Well done to your daughter, it is disappointing but if he's willing to get help it is just a setback

You are not being reasonable or unreasonable - gambling addiction is a devastating brain malfunction that is horrendous for sufferers and their families

try Gamcare

free treatment, available with less than a weeks waiting list they will also teach your daughter what the most helpful response from her is - eg DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT - that does not work

good luck xx

Advise her to make sure she never ties her finances with his and then stay out of it until she comes to you.

There is nothing you can do until she asks

You don't have a choice unfortunately. She has made the decision to stay with him and you have to respect that and keep your worries to yourself. Be there to pick up the pieces if it does go tits up again. The alternative is your DD cutting/reducing contact with you because you disapprove. I know which I'd prefer.

I also know how difficult this is, I have DDs in their 20s and haven't always liked their choice of partner.

What a horrible position to be in. Totally understand where you're coming from and would feel exactly the same. But she's an adult. I guess you just have to be there to pick up the pieces. If you keep the communication channels open, at least you'll know what's going on.

She does need to be very careful - if he goes into debt it'll probably scupper any mortgage chances and she needs to keep her finances totally separate. Is she planning on bailing him out with her saving (which is a terrible idea)?

I’d be very disappointed too.

I’d probably end up in a row with her but that’s probably not too helpful.

I’d also signpost her to charities that support gamblers and their families, but say you won’t bail her out if he betrays her again.

Id also tell her that she can talk to you if she’s worried as I would t want him to alienate her from me but I would say I was disappointed.

For those of you who dont want their sons to follow down this same path- be aware - it starts with loot boxes in video games, skins, Fifa, etc.

This is where it starts to go wrong for children, and can take a hold of their whole life and personality

DO NOT allow your children to buy lootboxes in video games

It's not admirable, it's codependent, similar as it would be with another type of addiction and/or an abusive partner.

OP it's hard - she'd be better off to extricate herself but she's still got too much invested in the relationship. If you hector her about this you'll just end up alienating her. Bite your tongue and make sure you're there when/if she needs help. Maybe gently question from time to time but without getting pushy.

Also, this would probably be better in Relationships.

@Nimbostratus100

I’m very ignorant and my kids aren’t at this stage - what are loot boxes?

I would be very worried for her too, she possibly has a lifetime of problems ahead. But there is just nothing you can do about it.

Codependency is an established pattern. I'm not sure it's fair to accuse her daughter of that if he wasn't (to her knowledge) a gambler when she met him, and this is the only time she has chosen to stick by a partner in these circumstances. All we know from the OP is that the partner has developed a medical/psychological problem and she has decided to support him through it. Obviously if the OP comes back and tells us that she does this constantly, then things will be slightly different.

Oh no this is such a recipe for disaster if/when they merge finances
But ultimately, it is your dds decision. You can only advise and support her but re the relationship - it's up to her if she stays with him

You're rightly angry op! It must be really difficult. If you express this it might push her away

Your poor daughter. I would never forgive him either so totally understand, the trust is completely gone.

I can only hope she comes to her senses, gambling is a horrific addiction and destroys lives. If possible try and encourage her not to have any financial ties with him. He also needs to get professional help.

You are right OP. Once a gambler always a gambler.

She's lucky it happened before they bought together, so she has a chance to make sure he's giving up gambling for good, or to leave him. Of course you're angry, but you could help by finding out about gambling counselling and getting her the details. Her immediate decision to stick together may still change as well.

I suspect that your daughter will ultimately come to her own decision to bin off the boyfriend, unless he really takes active steps to stop gambling. All you can do is be there to support her.

He is never going to change but nothing n you can do about it

It will all end in disaster, just be there to help her pick up the pieces.

Unfortunately this is your DD’s choice and you don’t get to have a say in that.

I would absolutely share your concerns. I think she’s in for a world of problems. It sounds awful and I’d really stress with her that this is potentially a long running issue that will plague them throughout. She needs to think about how she is going to deal with that.

I would never be able to forgive such a lie and an action. I know it’s an addiction however there’s also a choice in there too. He chose his addiction over her and their apparent shared dream.