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Original poster

Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

195 replies

user1474905027 · 19/01/2023 09:41

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

OP posts:
Wdib78 · 19/01/2023 10:21

Although it's not your place to forgive ( I'd be livid tho if I was you or her) I really do think you need to sit her down and explain how buying a house with him would be a massive risk, what if he continues to gamble and cannot pay his share of the mortgage/ bills. This is a wake up call for her.

DisforDarkChocolate · 19/01/2023 10:23

At this stage, there is nothing you can do. If this had happened when they had bought a house it could have been worse (unless she gives him some of her savings to help him out).

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 19/01/2023 10:23

See my user name? It comes from standing by a.gambling addict for many years. I found after we'd had kids but it had been going on for pretty much his whole adult life. I spent 15 years with him.

There were detours into alcoholism, he lied about smoking, I found evidence he'd had an other woman in my bedroom.

Worst of all though was the millions of times he told the kids he'd do something with them, take them somewhere, buy them something but when it came to he'd have no money because he'd lost it gambling or he'd be so preoccupied by getting back to it he just couldn't be bothered with them.

Read this to your wee girl and tell her to run for the hills like hungry lions are chasing her.

SiobhanSharpe · 19/01/2023 10:23

Can you gently suggest to your daughter that it might be a good idea to get some financial advice about joining her assets with her BF in this case?
And about the problems of being in a relationship with a gambling addict.
(Very gently that is, and if the opportunity presents itself. )
Other than that there is not really anything you can do except continue to be there for her when she needs you.

Indecisivebynature · 19/01/2023 10:25

You are RIGHT to feel the way you do!

I was in a VERY similar situation. I had saved a sizeable deposit, boyfriend was telling me he was doing the same, we viewed numerous properties, he found fault with each one until eventually admitting he didn’t have his deposit. He is still awful with money!

This is a HUGE red flag!

As an aside I grew up poor m despite my dad working very hard, because he had a gambling addiction. It blighted my childhood.

I really hope your daughter gets rid of him.

butterfliedtwo · 19/01/2023 10:26

She should run. That's what she'd be told if she had posted herre. Don't know what's admirable about staying with a lying addict.

Hopefully she's clever enough to keep finances separate at least.

Cleanqueennot · 19/01/2023 10:26

This was a blessing in disguise that it happened before they bought the house. She has decided to stay with him so if you value your relationship with your daughter you need to keep your opinions on him to yourself. If she knows your views on him or if you keep going on at her about it, ahe will just disregard anything you say and she may never come to you if he ever does anything else wrong in future as she will just think you will judge. Im speaking from experience here, once I knew my mum didn’t like my ex I stopped turning to her for help because I knew at every opportunity she would keep telling me to leave him, which unfortunately led me to stay with a bad partner for longer because I felt I had nobody to turn to. Sometimes daughters need a listening ear and a hug, not opinions. She will make the right decision for herself.

I know it’s hard as a mum but we have to bite our tongues a lot. It will all work out for the best.

Sending hugs x

MMMarmite · 19/01/2023 10:27

If you don't want to lose her, you need to let her make her own choices, even if those turn out to be mistakes. You don't have to agree or like him, but you have to accept that she has the right to take this risk.

Ihatepcos · 19/01/2023 10:27

Oh OP this is dreadful and I really feel for you. I wouldn't like, I'd tell her straight up that he will ruin her life, he's already done it once and will continue to do so.

YouTarzan · 19/01/2023 10:28

He may have a problem and she's decided to stick by him; some would say that's admirable

it’s not admirable. It’s stupid.

dogdaydown · 19/01/2023 10:28

As the sister of a compulsive gambler, I saw fist hand the destruction that gambling causes, theft (even from his own mother), deceit, anxiety and eventually led to the end of his life, I would feel the same.

But

It's a case of slowly, slowly, if you rush in you you will push her towards him.

Step back, you can voice your concerns calmly and quietly, but tell her you will be there whatever her decision. Hopefully, she will see sense herself.

orangegato · 19/01/2023 10:29

He won’t get better. Imagine if he saves up again and gets the urge out of nowhere. People like that do dangerous shit and lie about it. Taking out loans in partners names, borrowing money against the house etc. Tell her to run, not walk.

Sparklingblah · 19/01/2023 10:30

You should be so so so thankful she hasn’t bought with him!! Try and get her to understand that if she ever does she could lose all her money, her house, her credit rating, and all her self esteem as she is trailed through a repossession process as her bf gambles it all away.

also read @GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour ’s post.

i watched a friend go through this, the manufactured rows so he could go out slamming the door straight to the bookies because she ‘drove’ him to it, just like an alcoholic. It took her from her twenties to her late thirties to extricate her from the financial mess he left her in, years after he’d disappeared.

Itisbetter · 19/01/2023 10:32

You don’t want to lose your daughter, she doesn’t want to lose her partner. Accept who she is or you will lose her.

Sandra1984 · 19/01/2023 10:32

he has a terrible addiction that will eventually mess up her finances. why is she still with him?

Zebracat · 19/01/2023 10:33

It is very good that the reason is out in the open. She hasn’t tried to cover for him. Praise that. Then , if he lets her down again she will be able to come to you. I wouldn’t be able to forgive him either. Obviously it’s her life and her choice, but I wouldn’t be pretending it hadnt happened and changed everything.

DanseAvecLesLoups · 19/01/2023 10:39

AnyFucker · 19/01/2023 09:53

Advise her to make sure she never ties her finances with his and then stay out of it until she comes to you.

There is nothing you can do until she asks

Yep, totally separate accounts, do not let a gambling addict anywhere near her personal finances or savings.

whattodo1975 · 19/01/2023 10:43

Out of interest, what have his parents said about it all ?

Glorianna · 19/01/2023 10:45

I'd be clear with her that if she buys with him, not to ever expect any financial help from you. She will need to deal with it herself if he spends his wages gambling and can't pay his half of the mortgage.

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/01/2023 10:45

rightsaidfreddie · 19/01/2023 09:46

She needs to leave him as she will have a lifetime of grief and lies!

Why are you being made to feel the bad person?

Absolutely this

Gambling addiction is as consuming as any other addiction and unless he seeks help they will have a miserable life - especially her. He will steal and sell her belongings, get them both into debt, lie and hide his own actions, forge her signature on any documents he needs to get loans etc to fund his addiction- and she will be the one who is struggling to keep a roof over their heads, and more importantly, trying to provide stability fir any children they may have.

Unfortunately, all you can do is be there to support her in her decision, and pick her up every time he knocks her down (figuratively speaking) if she chooses tasty with him.

starfishmummy · 19/01/2023 10:46

I can understand how you feel but I think you need to keep thoughts to yourself unless asked, and even then pick your words carefully - such as giving her practical advice but not being judgemental re her partner.

Hopefully she will realise that she needs to make sure her finances are 100% safe from him.

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 19/01/2023 10:46

i watched a friend go through this, the manufactured rows so he could go out slamming the door straight to the bookies because she ‘drove’ him to it, just like an alcoholic

This. Always watching what I was saying, what I was doing because a blazing row was always a possibility. Walking about on egg shells and it was for no reason at all because he was going to pick something to fight with me over whatever I did . Hundreds of times where I had a big strong man roaring at me and I was frightened and my kids were frightened.

It's been years and years since we parted and I still can't live without that fear. I'm always looking for danger and modulating my behaviour to avoid danger.

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/01/2023 10:46

Oh - and don't give/ lend/ leave any money lying about- because he will take it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/01/2023 10:47

Don’t ‘lend’ them any money.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/01/2023 10:48

She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him.

She can't help him. She can no more help him quit than she could help an alcoholic quit.

All that will happen is that he will make promises, break them, say how sorry he is, repeat ad infinitum, she will become his enabler, & increasingly enmeshed with a man who lied to her, pissed all over their shared dream, & cared more about his addiction than her happiness.

She will live a constant nightmare of trying to keep on top of his access to money & spending habits, & his gambling will take over her life. If she gets properly enmeshed, it could also end up costing her her own savings, or this month's rent money, or the holiday fund she'd saved ...

I doubt she'll want to hear that right now, but she needs to hear it. So maybe not directly from you, but from an organisation like Gam-Anon, which supports relatives & partners of gamblers - gamanon.org.uk/