Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

[user1474905027]

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

It may well be the case that your daughter's boyfriend will continue to be addicted to gambling. However, your daughter appears to be ready to take that risk and if you keep expressing your disapproval you may end up losing her and, perhaps more importantly, her not feeling able to talk to you if things start going wrong again.

I do understand how angry and worried you are about this - I would feel the same. But try to keep how you feel to yourself and stay on good terms with your daughter.

Tell her your feelings them bite your tongue.

I'd be livid in your shoes. Disappointed too. & No, I wouldn't forgive him either. Useless fucker. If your DD wants a life of brokeness then when she has children, generational poverty - that's up to her.

Do NOT lend her money. When she's shackled to brokeness your relationship wont be fraught if you give her money. But it will remain fraught if you don't

I love my DCs to bits but if they ever were in this position they'd not have me as their bailout. I don't believe in doing penance for dickish partner choices. You have a life too. If they don't get their way with you moneywise then in future you can look out for them preventing you seeing grandchildren too. I've seen this situation before. Stand your ground.

Very sound advice ^^ from AnyFucker

Just don't lose connection with your daughter no matter what.

I didn’t know this, thank you @CockSpadget that’s helpful. How much of a delay would there be ?
It does seem strange then. Just as any alcohol addiction doesn’t often start with 4 vodka a day, seems strange to start with a whole deposit ?

The reason I was repeating bank statements was to see if/how long it had been going on. I’m lost now.

As an example, my late paternal grandfather, who - I would really like to emphasize this - spent all his life since 18 working in Europe alone as a factory worker to provide for his family in Africa - did spend quite a bit on gambling in horse races, and no one actually knew until he became ill and POA for my dad intervened - it’s obviously different in this case, no one resented him, the man had literally worked himself to death for his family.
But the point is it started with smaller sums, and never actually ended up with large ones, I think after all those years he was a bit disillusioned with life and just hoping maybe for a break…

So :

1. NOT all addicts are fucking useless selfish worthless idiots
2. I appreciate that the situation is different as he was old and getting too ill to work, alone in a foreign country, and still needing to send money home
3. Like any addiction, it really does start progressively (or tbh I’ve never heard of cases otherwise, even the lottery winners who end up broke don’t do it in one go?)

Sorry I don’t think I was clear, I meant it only started in old age

Maybe you need to suggest to her that she continue to save for a house but buys it in her name only? Tell him he pays half of everything but only as the lodger, have a rent book etc…. That way he can’t get her into debt or gamble away her savings/house.

I wouldn’t be happy about this either.

The other suggestion is to tell him he’s got another chance and get him to save again for the deposit….. prove himself….

Don’t tell you daughter… just drop little seeds in conversation… unless you have the kind of relationship where you can sit her down and voice your concerns.
I’d maybe ask her what else he could be lying about…. But do it kindly so you’re coming from a place of love and concern and not being bossy…

He sounds like either a complete jerk who was hoping he could have his cake without paying towards it…. Or someone who got pulled along with the excitement of buying a house but didn’t really want to…. Or the third option is that he’s got a serious gambling / gaming addiction and needs to see someone… maybe tell her you’re concerned and give her the number of a counsellor that specifically deals with addictions?

what a nightmare! I hope he gets the hell he needs and/or she sees that she doesn’t have a future with this man….. we can’t fix men…. They won’t change for us.

It's going to be a rocky road for her but only she can choose to follow it. Hopefully he will get help for his addiction and they will come out the other side. X

Why? She wanted to know if she was being unreasonable. There are always relationship issues in this chat.

My ex told me the day before we got married that although he has booked the honeymoon he had no money. It was like that for all the time we were married, in debt but he couldn’t stop buying ‘things’. After the divorce he never paid maintenance and was later make bankrupt. Of course this was no gambling but a leopard won’t change its spots. Support your daughter as much as you can with detriment to yourself and don’t criticize.

My ex did this a few years ago in my twenties, I thank my lucky stars that we didn’t buy a house with him. No one knew apart from his family and me, I eventually told my mum because he was emotionally abusive and a bully and my bank card started to go missing. Can’t tell you how many times he said he would stop “and this time meant it”, signed up to gamcare, counselling, self-banned from shops (note - that never works they still let him in).

It was for him a matter of saving a certain figure in his account, every time he would reach it he would get rid of it. Grandparents gave him money (they didn’t know) and he gambled it. One day I woke up, vividly remember thinking as I showered that I will never be able to buy a house with him or have any kind of financial commitments, and realised it was going to hang over me forever even if he did get better. His relationship with his family was in tatters by that point, as a result of failed promises.

Opening up to my family was the best thing I did, so make sure you’re there for her if she needs you as it will be invaluable to her (appreciate my situation was mixed with emotional abuse, not suggesting by any means this is happening but the pain your daughter will be feeling could be crippling her from my experience).

Happy for you to PM me xx

That I didn’t buy a house with him*

Georginathatsme.
My DD was in the same situation and she woke up and realised that the dream of owning her own home and having a normal life together was quickly disappearing.
unfortunately lies, deception and lost trust will follow this type of addiction. Very few turn their lives around. I went to many gamblers anonymous meetings and found that out.
This relationship is hanging on by a thread and I suspect it will not survive. But it has to be the daughters decision. It was the lies and broken promises that were so sad and I wish them well. They can DM me at any time.

I think the Mum is right to voice her disapproval but then leave it. Im glad I’m not in that situation any more x

I wrote yabu, as in, its not your place to specify what she does or what happens in their relationship.

Yadnbu to be concerned. But it's something she needs to figure out for herself.

I worked with a girl a few years ago who had something v similar happen. He gambled away 10k and she insisted he stopped gambling and resaved the money to go towards a house. I then changed jobs and lost contact but they're no longer together and I wouldn't be at all surprised if further gambling, or just inability to regain trust, was a major factor - although I am purely speculating based on my own feelings!

I feel very sorry for the vendor who has also been duped and will be considerably out of pocket so close to the point of exchange. She’s best rid of him

Agree with GrumpyPanda wrt codependency. It is a form of addiction.

There is no harm in being forthright with the DD. She's digging a massive hole for herself and needs a wake up call. If she's ultimately a reasonable and sensible young woman with some self esteem amd a foundation of a good relationship with her mother, she'll thank her mother eventually.

If not, then manipulation by the DD and bailing out by the mother are going to be part of the years ahead anyway, and the OP needs to decide if that's how she wants to conduct this relationship.

You're not obliged to live your life afraid of your adult children's response to your opinions.

Thank heavens that they'd not bought the property, she could have lost everything.

What an awful position to be in, you need to respect your daughters decision and be there to pick up the pieces, unfortunately that’s all you can do for now. What an utter shit leaving it that long until he fessed up, gamblers are cowards and they lie and lie and in my experience never stop!! My ex was a huge gambler (didn’t know when he moved in) I had 10 years of lies and bullshit off my ex. And it destroyed my self worth, my self esteeem and confidence, my mental health suffered, I used to get so anxious I’d grind my teeth in my sleep and had to wear a mouth guard at night. He destroyed our relationship and the worst of it is that he still doesn’t get it, why I left. Gamblers are the most devious of addicts, I sincerely hope your daughters boyfriend gets help, and he won’t manage without the help. Gamcare are very good and run sessions, as do GA. He needs to face up to what he’s done and get help otherwise your daughters life will end up ruined by this man.