Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

[user1474905027]

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

Think any good parent would be devastated to see this happen to their child.

I would certainly want her to end things with him, but she has made it clear that she isn’t prepared to do that. And this stance is affecting your relationship with her. So it’s time to change tact.

As PP have said be there for her. I would try to get the message across that if she wants to support him emotionally and help him get over this addiction then that’s a good thing to do, but what she absolutely cannot do in bail him out. She needs to be strict on this and not pay any debts, or even pay for his share of household expenses.

As PP have also said it is worth considering how true this all is. Is he allowing your DD to view bank Statements so she can see the extent of the problem? She needs to be able to see how long this has been going on for, to what extent, if it is still going on and if he actually had the money in the first place. It may be a difficult subject to breach with her, but I think he owes her this if he expects her to stay.

Also finally it sounds like you have a really good relationship with your daughter. I’m assuming due to the sensitivity of the situation few other people know. Is there any other family members/ close friends who know who might be able to advise her on the above. Sometimes no matter how great the mother daughter relationship is, it can be hard to take advice from a parent.

I was briefly involved with a guy who had gambling problems and lots of debt when I was younger. After lots of heartbreak I realised that he didn’t really love me and no help I gave him would change that. Thankfully I hadn’t leant him huge amounts of money as I was skint myself and he did eventually pay it all back. But the mental side of this will always be at the back of my head and I’d always be wary of anyone with high levels of debt and addiction.

The latter. There wasn’t enough emphasis on talking to her daughter about it so you sounded a bit softly-softly for me.

This is awful! You are not being unreasonable, and you absolutely should not feel like you are the bad one here! A family friend that I grew up with did this exact same thing to his fiancé years ago, except he gambled away the whole pot, her share included. Genuinely made me feel sick to my stomach when I found out about it, and I still think about how awful it was years later. They stayed together a few more years after that but inevitably split up. The little I know from her side seemed to indicate that things were never the same again after that, and who could blame her. Hopefully this happens for your daughter too, as the shine will have come off him a bit now. It might just take her some time to see things clearly. Sadly, OP, this isn't your mistake to make and you can only watch on and be there for her if (hopefully WHEN) it all falls apart. I'd try not to badmouth him as it runs a real risk of her isolating herself from you, but you can share your concerns - it's just a matter of how you do it, which can be a real tough thing to get right!

Tread very carefully here, OP. For now, she has made her choice, so all you can do is be as supportive as possible while advising her not to get financially involved with someone who has a gambling problem.
Whatever you do, don’t put her in a position where she feels forced to choose between him & you, because she will choose him & resent you. All you can do is keep communication open and be ready to pick up the pieces when she does decide to dump him.

It is so hard to see your daughter with someone like this. If he is a gambler it is unlikely to get better unless he gets serious and gets help to kick the habit. If he is also not truthful thr future does not bode well.

However, there is not much you can do unless and until she sees the light. I have had to watch this for twenty years until he decided to push off leaving her to pick up the pieces. All we can do is be there to help and support when they are ready.

OP I'm 100% with you.

He's untrustworthy and delusional. Why would she want to set herself up for a life of stress and worry?

She definitely needs to keep her finances well away from him until she sees the light.

She'll outgrow him. Patiently watch and be there for her until she does.

Can you support her by encouraging her to get some advice from Gamcare or similar - any group that is set up for the partners of gamblers. Strongly encourage her to keep her finances entirely separate from his, by emphasising that this is an illbness he may not recover from and if he is going to rely on her support, then she needs to be financially secure, otherwise they could both go down.

She'll end up in financial ruin if she stays with him, she needs to get rid. Hopefully she realises this sooner rather than later. You can't tell her what to do though, I'd find this an impossible situation if I was was the parent here.

Thank you, my DS is ten and just getting into gaming, I will watch out for this!!

Absolutely this ^^

@user1474905027

he an addict.
he needs helpa

she needs to read up about living with an addict

you should state your rules

then if she is an adult she makes her choice and you make yours

I'm with you OP. I was married to a financially irresponsible man in my early twenties, having been with him through university. He didn't gamble but was addicted to gaming and buying DVDs. He accumulated debt that meant we never had anything spare. It was absolutely awful. The best thing I ever did was leave him because his recklessness and lack of financial acumen was making my life a misery. Unfortunately because he knew I was good with money and had savings, he saw me as a meal ticket, someone who could bail him out. It sounds like this is the case with your daughter's boyfriend. I hope for her sake, she sees sense and leaves him, he'll never change.

YANBU to not be able to forgive him yourself, I think most of us would feel that way, but she gets to decide if she forgives him or not.

I can see why you wouldn't want to be around him now but you need to play this cleverly as it could lead to you seeing less of her and also leave her more vulnerable to financial abuse if he has a problem with gambling.

Make sure you have your say, let him know that he will have to work extremely hard to regain your trust and then you're going to have to return to some kind of normal.

'It must feeling quite daunting facing a life time with someone that has such a serious addiction dd, what protections are you considering to keep your own money safe? I know this is not what you were expecting'

Keep it light. Keep the judgement out of the equation. Stay focused her well being and how she can keep herself safe.

As someone who is saddled with a gambler, please tell her from me to leave him now. She will spemd her whole life living like this, being disappointed, living in debt and in fear of more debt.

How old is she OP? A frought relationship with you won't help her so your focus should be to understand her perspective and in turn she tries to understand yours and the consequences if he cannot control his addiction. Being a support and pillar for her, and in a way him, is a better use of your time. Easier said than done but if he can't break his addiction then she knows she can lean on you rather than a I told you so scenario

She’s a total fool. He’ll have her money next. This won’t stop and there won’t be a house or security in her future.

I think you are absolutely right to clearly state your view of this.
People who are deep in addiction and those that are close to them often lose clarity and perspective.
It is important to call out addiction and to name it.
You also have every right to set out your boundaries.
For example not bailing the couple out in an emergency, not lending money, not becoming a guarantor and choosing not to to get drawn into to all the crisis and drama that may go along with this.
However, once you have stated your opinions and drawn your boundaries, it comes down to accepting and respecting your DD’s decisions.
It will involve finding a way to be there for your DD without taking on her life choices.
I think it is a really difficult situation and I totally sympathise with you.
I personally would not want to be dealing with addiction in a partner.

This must be difficult but you are pushing her away. You need to respect her ADULT decision, your opinion if not asked for will push her further way.

For me he wouldn't b the person I thought so the trust/respect/love would be gone.

Do you think that she wants to "save" him?

Once they are adults - they make their own decisions all you can do is advise - which is fucking hard.

So I'd give advice of keeping finances separate - and point her in direction of help-support groups could also help let her understand how bad this could get.

yes I can see how this will have changed your view of him, how health their relationship is - but your forgiveness isn't needed - nor is your approval. She has made a choice to stay for the moment - that may or may not change but it's her choice - you respect it and give her advice to protect herself going forward.

You need to keep your powder dry so avoid bad mouthing him where you can and make sure she can talk to you -so you are still there if he turns this around and if he does not you are still there for her so she can leave.

I think (gently) that I agree with this.

You really need to put your own feelings aside. It's up to your daughter if she wants to forgive him.

Well said.

Why would you need to lose her? Unless you are demanding that she does what you want, leaving her with the choice of either ending her relationship to keep you happy or staying in the relationship and going NC with you because you won't stop pushing.

He's an addict and she's probably making a terrible mistake by staying with him but there's nothing more you can do now you've said your piece. If she's decided to stay with him then you are only going to alienate yourself if you keep telling her how awful he is and that you can't forgive him. You've said your bit, now leave it alone.

They both need help. His problem is gambling; hers that she is choosing to stay in an abusive relationship with a man who has lied to her on a daily basis for months on end. I would focus solely on your daughter, on making sure that she knows what a healthy relationship should look and feel like.