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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

195 replies

user1474905027 · 19/01/2023 09:41

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

OP posts:
1onway1under12and1over18 · 20/01/2023 17:58

Having had a relationship with a gambler I want to scream to tell / force her to leave him. But you don’t need to, she will reach that conclusion herself. It may take time but she will get there. Be there for her now and then. Be an ear for her for the times she will come to you and vent at the stupid things he’s going to do between now and when she realises supporting him won’t help him. He has to want to help himself. If you demand she leaves or cut him off you will lose her at worst, at best she will hide things from you. Tell her you love and support HER and that she can confide in you without judgement.

Missingpop · 20/01/2023 18:03

What a complete arsehole; she does deserve better your right; but she has to reach that conclusion on her own you can’t force it; he will fuck up again & again & she will see him for the waste of space he is eventually let’s just hope it’s sooner rather than later

cherish123 · 20/01/2023 18:19

YADNBU
It's very risky to a buy a property with non-family.
I would not do it.

yaysummerisover · 20/01/2023 18:30

It’s very difficult. The worst thing is to have done that he clearly has a problem and it would be hard to trust him again. If you moan about him it pushes them together. If it was my daughter my advice would be. Talk to him and get him to agree to transfer nearly all his wages into an account that he cannot get access to jointly. That way she can keep an eye on the spending and maybe agree to give him a small amount weekly to do with as he pleases and the rest can go towards saving and bills.

Mollymoostoo · 20/01/2023 18:32

user1498572889 · 19/01/2023 10:14

You are right OP. Once a gambler always a gambler.

Actually gambling is the one addiction that has a high success rate of overcoming.

Smoking is harder to stop than heroin.

rangagirl · 20/01/2023 18:38

I’m sure we all completely understand your distress over the situation and your concern for your daughter. Any parent would probably feel the same things.

BUT:

You need to stay out of their relationship. It’s not your business or problem. She’s an adult, and she wants to stand by her partner and help with his problems.

I’d also like to point out that he hasn’t even really done anything to your daughter… except maybe the lying, I guess.

He wasted HIS money on gambling, not hers or yours or his workplace expense account. He hasn’t stolen from anyone or committed any crimes. That doesn’t directly affect your daughter and HER savings or reputation. She still has the option and resources to leave him later on if he doesn’t quit or whatever.

The cold, hard truth is that if you get involved and tell your daughter to dump him, you WILL be the bad guy in her eyes. That’s how it works. We have the right to make bad decisions as adults if we want to, and you don’t get a vote.

So keep your opinions about what a loser her boyfriend is to yourself, and let her know you’re there for her as she goes through this process of helping her partner break his addiction.

Sep200024 · 20/01/2023 18:41

If you show your animosity and dislike towards this man, then you are going to drive a wedge between yourself and your daughter (regardless of whether you are right or not).

Losing you will put your daughter even more at risk.

Who will give her the right advice to ensure that her financial assets are protected from any poor decisions made by her boyfriend?

Who will be there when one day when she realises that giving him this second chance was a mistake, and she needs support to get herself and her financial assets out of the relationship intact?

It’s not easy, but your role here is to be her mum, unconditionally. Not to judge her mistakes choices.

user1467306011 · 20/01/2023 19:02

user1498572889 · 19/01/2023 10:14

You are right OP. Once a gambler always a gambler.

Wrong! Not in every case. One of my family had a really bad gambling habit until he was found out. It took that major shock of him nearly losing his family for to stop. He hasn't gambled since.
Don't lose your daughter over your anger Op. Help and support your family. They both need you right now.

Brighteyedtriangle · 20/01/2023 19:07

Err try everything possible to get her away from this man. He will let her down again and again.

If his savings if he ever had any are now gone. He will start spending hers. So sad for you and her. What a peice of shit.

CockSpadget · 20/01/2023 19:20

If they got to the point of nearing exchange, then he must have gambled it recently, as to get a mortgage approved and that far down the line, you have to prove you have the deposit. Ie, show bank statements etc. something doesn’t add up.

momtoboys · 20/01/2023 19:20

Watching our adult children make mistakes in life is so difficult. Unfortunately, this is not your decision to make. If you push it I'm afraid you WILL lose her.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2023 19:33

Who in the hell says you have to 'forgive' him? I certainly wouldn't. But if I wanted to keep my relationship with my child, the decisions I'd have to make would be 1-whether or not I ever permitted their partner to enter my home or be in his/her presence again AND 2-whether and/or how I would discuss the matter with my child in the future.

If my child were to tell me they were staying with an addict (of any kind) I would certainly let them know off the bat where I stood and that there would be no active 'support' for them from us, but then I'd clam up. I'd also tell my child that I would be 'polite' to their partner. But in return, my child would need to understand that if they brought up their relationship I wouldn't lie about my feelings or pretend I was happy about it. As far as admitting them to my home, I'd probably do that unless the person had ever been caught stealing. Then I wouldn't allow them to cross my threshold.

Hopefully that would be enough of a 'compromise' that my child would stay in my life. If not, then I'd let them know they were always welcome back, at any time.

Lovely13 · 20/01/2023 19:34

Have been there on the other side. Son got a gambling habit, including taking all his student loan to a casino! It was a bad time. Got him to gamblers anonymous. Some years later, He’s now a happy, home-owning person with a good job and lovely partner.
If he wants to change and gets proper help, it’s not the end. Be there for her. And him. People can grow and learn from idiotic mistakes. Best of luck to you all 🤞

ExtraOnions · 20/01/2023 19:47

I always tend to jump into these threads. I was a compulsive gambler, for me it was online slots. It was a dark & miserable time in my life, that almost ended with me stepping in front of a train.

However, I told my husband who was very supportive. I got help from Gamcare, and registered with Gamstop. I handed my cards over to my husband, and just got a cash allowance for the first few months. We were also transparent with finances.

I had quite the debt - all personal stuff, I’d never missed a payment for household stuff. 4 years on, I’m still gamble free .. and still clearing the debt - nearly there!

Thing is, you have to want to stop .. and prepared to take the steps to remove the opportunity & means

mathanxiety · 20/01/2023 20:17

I can understand your horror.

I'd feel exactly the same.

Your daughter needs to wake up. She's loyal to a complete loser who has totally shafted her.

Best advice I would give her is to never, ever marry him, absolutely never have a baby with him, and to always keep her finances separate. This isn't a recipe for a solid relationship, obv.

Fudgemonkeys · 20/01/2023 20:21

All you can do is say you'll support her, be there for her, respect her decision and let her get on with it. If you try and dictate you'll lose her. She's an adult after all. Think about how you'd feel if someone tried to tell you what to do? . I do understand how you feel. Good luck.

mathanxiety · 20/01/2023 20:24

I think you could be blunt with your daughter.

In a way, the decision to stay with someone who is very bad for her mirrors the behaviour of an addict. She's choosing a course of action that makes no sense but must be getting something out of it if she won't walk away.

She and her BF may both need to experience the consequences of their choices. You are not obliged to pretend anything is OK here.

Wally1983 · 20/01/2023 20:32

You can’t say anything, the only thing you can do is support her decision.
as hard as that is she needs to make the choice herself, when she’s ready/when (or if) he’s done it again.
advise (I say that as she’ll not want to hear it currently) that she keeps her finances her own and she does NOT bail him out EVER.
having supported my best friend through her ex h being a gambler I’m saying it as someone that never stepped in ever, she needed to do it for her and her kids! She’s finally free and living her best life. (He also drove wedges between her and her friends and family over the years so be aware incase it’s similar in your case…always check in even if things are difficult between you)
wishing your daughter a happy and non gambling life because it’s one I’d not wish on my worst enemy xx

5128gap · 20/01/2023 20:35

Don't be angry with her or think less of her.
She is young, and it takes many of us many years before we lose our inate trust in those we love, our capacity to forgive as a sign of our own commitment, and our faith in our own ability to 'love them better'.
All you can do is hope that this is one of the rare occasions where this is a one off (unlikely) or that your daughter will gain the awareness she needs as quickly and painlessly as possible.
I assume you've said your piece, so no point in repeating it. This is a lesson that can't be taught, only learned from experience.

BaconChops · 20/01/2023 20:39

I’m a mum and completely understand and empathise where you’re coming from BUT after many arguments a friend gave me some good advice. It’s your job to love your daughter not to tell her who she can and cannot love. It works trust me.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/01/2023 20:47

It must have been a horrible shock, but saying it has "ruining her future dreams" is an overreaction.

I think you are better off trying to stay neutral towards your dd's partners tbh.

He has lied to her, and I'd be worried about future gambling, but you need to have a bit of perspective. He hasn't gambled away her money, only his own.

eloquentsilence · 20/01/2023 20:47

I was in the exact same position as your daughter a few years ago down to a T except we also had a young baby together.

My in laws blamed me for enabling him, even though I had absolutely no idea he was gambling. He forged bank statements, the lot.

To cut a long story short, we are still together, living in our own place. It's been a VERY long journey. He still attends gambling anonymous meetings every week but hasn't gambled since the day it all came out.

Please support your daughter's decision, she will be going through a lot right now as it is, and ultimately it is her decision to make.

LoveComedy · 20/01/2023 21:52

True I'm afraid. This happened to my cousin. A long and painful marriage for her. She lost her house once due to husband's gambling.

changeme4this · 20/01/2023 22:27

I would say she is in a little bit of shock and looking for the best way forward and trying to “fix” things as us women tend to do.

as others have said though, as a parent to an adult there is little we can do, although if she is planning on staying with him I would gently talk them into them seeing a professional to help get past the non disclosure and the root problem.

sending hugs.

AnnieSnap · 20/01/2023 22:55

As has been said, it’s not up to you to forgive him or not. She’s an adult. Respect her decision, or risk creating a serious rift in your relationship with her.