Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

[user1474905027]

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

He's an addict and it's unlikely he will ever permanently reform. She'll never be able to fully trust him. Ever.

How old is your daughter?

A gambling addiction is a one way ticket to a lifetime of misery and destitution. A friend once said to me “love flies out the window when poverty enters the door.”

If she’s well into adulthood I guess she has to make her own path. But if my child made a decision to set up home with a gambler, I’d probably tell them I’d disinherit them, as I wouldn’t want to see my money thrown away on 2nd division league football scores.

best of luck x

It’s tough to feel like you’re standing by watching someone close make huge mistakes but your daughter has to make these decisions for herself. Her boyfriend might be at the stage where he accepts help and manages to get the reins on the gambling; or the relationship comes to an end?

Rather than feeling that her world has imploded maybe you could view it she’s had a lucky escape from taking on a mortgage with someone who can’t make that commitment now? Try to stay neutral and supportive.

It's not about you. She will be overwhelmed and she has no space for how you feel about him. My partner has addiction issues and my parents sharing their rage and opinions has not helped and has pushed me away from them. My partner and I are also now separated but its hard. Another fried whose partner has addictions says you have to wait for the moment when you know you are done. Your daughter is not done, bit your lip, tell her you love her, tell her to protect her money but share your rage and hurt with your friends, not her and don't tell her you are disappointed. it's very hard to ask a parent who you feel you have disappointed for help and if he can't his addiction under control, one day she will need your support to recover from the break up.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.
**
I understand your position. Of course I would say LTB to your daughter, but she has just discovered her beloved is not what she thought. That is going to take some time to process I imagine. Thankfully it has spared her joining finances with the gambler. (I hope she doesnt marry him either).
Life can be so hard, why tie yourself to a gambler and make it a lifetime of misery/deceit?

Probably best you listen? Get her to do the talking? She'll be upset and need a friendly ear. I bet there will be a time soon when you can offer some perspective to her without upsetting her.

Just echoing all those who say it isn't your job to forgive the boyfriend, and there's no reason for you to lose your daughter. You can tell her straight that you think she's making a mistake (though don't go on about it), and advise her under no circumstances to join finances with him. Then you just have to step back and be there if and when she needs you. If you say too much now, she won't tell you when it goes wrong again because she'll not want to face "I told you so".

God I hope your dd doesn't let him anywhere NEAR her savings now! He'll gamble that away the first chance he gets.

OP you have lots of good advice about supporting your adult daughter in her decision, hoping she doesn't try to bail him out with her own savings.

Obviously he was pushed into telling her what he'd done because of the house purchase. Do you know how he responded to it? Was he remorseful and wanting to change or was he defensive? Neither are really anything to do with you but you might feel a bit better if it was the former.

If you want to keep your relationship with her, you need to support her and not continually badmouth him to her.
He's important to her regardless and if you dismiss what's important to her, that only tells her you are not recognising that in her life.

Unfortunately it could take some time for her to come out of denial about the fact that he's got a gambling addiction.
If it were me, I'd say 'I'll support you no matter what but I'd urge you to be very cautious and to arm yourself with knowledge about addictions. And attend a gambler's anonymous family and friends meeting so at least she knows what she is up against.
www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gam-anon

YANBU to be upset and angry on DD’s behalf. But your daughter is an adult and ultimately her relationship decisions are her own. What you can do is advise her not to merge finances with him, and that she must insist he gets professional treatment for gambling addiction or this will just happen again.

All I’ll say is I’m sorry but to tread carefully. I was blocked by a long term friend on everything after I expressed concern about her ongoing emotionally abusive relationship. I have no solutions for you unfortunately. Take care x

I think you have no choice but to just be there for her. She’s young and thinks he can change. You won’t be able t9 persuade her otherwise.
I would be there for her unjudgementally but don’t bail her out if she asks for money.

I maybe missed a post but how old are they ?

She really needs those bank statements, and there are gentle ways to formulate that while supporting her in her decision to support him (even if you clearly don’t, pushing her away isn’t with the risk). Without bank statements and a timeline honestly it’s just pointless guessing.

this is bullshit and not how addiction works. this whole choice crap is actually just going to shame people and in the end stops them getting the help!

She's chosen to stay with someone who is a liar, let her down, and has an addictive personality. That would be a concern for most mums. Does she have low self esteem, poor self worth?

Agreed again. No one freaking chooses an addiction, seriously ?

Again, as PP have wisely pointed out, she doesn’t even know if he has an addiction or just hasn’t been saving.

Bank statements are the only answer (and I honestly feel like giving up this thread for now because we’re all in the dark for lack of context for now and can’t really say a damn thing)

I mean no offense to be clear to any PP to clarify, we’re all trying to help in our own ways, but really, what do we have.

Unknown age, unknown spending history, who may or may not have a gambling addiction ?

As much as I agree the person with the addiction has to take the steps to heal, if the DD wants to help, she also needs to get her head out of the sand and start asking more.

She's an adult. This is her decision and, even if you don't like it, it's nothing to do with you.
Perhaps she should be admired for her loyalty to her partner, and applauded for her willingness to support someone who is struggling?

The tragedy is - this IS how addiction works.

It's a series of choices - initially seemingly small, inconsequential - which end up with the addicted person having little or no choice over the larger decisions, which have also consequences on their loved ones. Ultimately, it becomes the choice over whether to get help & make an attempt to overcome the addiction.

OP's b/f is likely nowhere near that stage: we can't be sure, as we're hearing his story 3rd hand, but it sounds like his splurging of the savings (if he even ever had them - more uncertainty to manage) is being presented as a one-off 'mistake'. Addiction is complex, but ultimately, he CHOSE to deceive his g/f. The fact that he had less control over that choice than a non-addicted person doesn't lessen the blow, or the consequences to OP's DD.

She's an adult it has to be her decision. Don't try to come between them. You will only push them closer together.

You have a right to be angry but if she’s chosen to forgive him then don’t make things difficult for her as it’s the parent who ends up pushed aside if things get worse

My DD left her husband a year ago. It was her decision and hers alone. Try to remember that your concern isn’t the only voice she will hear. Her friends will feel the same as you. One day she will feel used and abused and it’s horrible and dark. But when she finishes with him (and she will) she will feel like a weight has been lifted. Gamblers are charmers but are also manipulating and are liars.

Our DD is a strong women but there is the odd day of tearful despair. But these are quite infrequent. I would just try to help build her self esteem and confidence. It’s obvious right now she doesn’t want to loose face so will try to defend the indefensible. Let the dust settle and I’m sure she will start to see how this really is. However it really is going to be her decision at the end of the day. All you can do is be there for her. I wish you well I really do. Use this thread as a source of strength and kindness. X

the mental state of someone with an adiction is like any other illness.and choosing to do the behaviours is not a choice.
nor actually is choosing help. wouldnt the sufferers choose to stop if they could.would they really put themsevles through this and those they loves. addiction is a symtom of whats going on in the mind. it is complex.
and one of the hardest things is its not a simple of choose of getting well or not or seeking help to do so. becasue of the very nature of the ill health of the persons mind their minds stop them from getting help.
noone chooses addiction. noone choose this way to cope. not all can choose help and it can be becasue of far too many factors to make it so black and white a decision.adn often we dont see or know why and when someone finds themsevles able to. often though you can see it in those that are supported and find reason to change.are being helped mentally. and healing whats gone wrong.
there is far too much nuance in how people can or cant recover from these things.
ithis is what makes it so hard for all concerned becasue it isnt a choice. its not a magic pill or medication the sufferer can choose to take or not to get well. there is soo much more to it than that.

& I've said throughout the thread that addiction is complex.

Of course it makes choices limited, & much harder to take the better course of action - but it doesn't negate them entirely.
If it did - nobody could choose to get help, choose to commit time & energy to recovery, choose to stay 'recovering' for the rest of their lives.

Or are you only counting the negative choices?

I think it all depends on whether he has actively taken steps to stop gambling and get over his addiction. Ive been in a similar situation (but found out way way before exchange he had no money) I ended up buying the house in my name only, I took control of his finances whilst he went to counselling, and all is good now. I won't lie that I do have terrible financial anxiety because but he has broken the addiction.
Obviously it's your daughter's decision whether she wants to support him through it, it can be a tough road.