Cannot forgive my daughters boyfriend

[user1474905027]

I’m being made to feel that I’m the bad person here .. My daughter was buying a property with boyfriend. She had saved and saved and had a good amount .. he apparently said he had done the same - it was an equal share both apparently looking after their own finances. At the last point a few days before exchange he revealed to her he had lost his savings for deposit to online betting/gaming. She was devastated we all were. The house and dreams of their future had gone. His lies for months and months to her and everyone around him came to light. She was angry but insisted she stays with him, loves him and wants to help him. I can’t bear the thought of her being with him now .. how can he ever be trusted.

Our relationship is fraught now. I can’t bring myself to understand her decision. She’s worth so much more. I don’t want to loose my daughter.

Unfortunately she's going to have the learn the hard way. All you can do is advise to keep a close eye on her credit score to make sure he doesn't take debt in her name. Hope they don't start breeding or get married. Then be there to pick up the pieces.

I don't believe the advice about pussyfooting about and 'letting her make her own mistakes'. As her mother you are right to be livid and very worried about her potentially making a huge mistake that will leave her broke and heartbroken. I would make it quite clear that while you love her and will always support HER, you don't support this relationship, and will give your full feelings about this man child.

It isn't about you. Your role is to support your daughter, whatever it is she decides. By making this about your feelings, you're pushing her away.

Completely sympathise OP - I’d be advising my dd to leave too. I mean, to let it get right up to the point of exchange before coming clean - how shocking. I too would be wondering what else he would lie about.

But ultimately it’s your dds decision- she’s an adult. Just make it clear to her you’ll always be there when the shit hits the fan and keep the lines of communication open - make her feel she can always talk to you. That’s all you can do as a parent.

What has he done to you to need your forgiveness?

FFS. He's hurt her child.
Are you seriously pretending that any parent would be able to switch on instant neutrality & a dispassionate stance, seeing their child reeling from this kind of shock & disappointment?

OP is going to be worried & hurt herself, there's little point in instructing her to lock her feelings away as if she's a saint. Obviously not a good idea to display them to DD, but if my daughter was planning on staying with a gambler who'd pissed away his share of their house deposit & lied about it for months, I would be frantic with fear about the coming repercussions.

Your job is to build her up, to give her the confidence to make the best decisions. Give her the certain knowledge that you back her, no matter what, and she will value herself properly.

I’d be very worried about my daughter too but it’s not your place to forgive him, it’s hers. Don’t make it about you and your feelings.

She will be throwing her life away on an addict. I'm completely with you OP. Unfortunately she will need to come to that decision herself.

It's up to her. Just be there for her x

Unfortunately this is your DD’s choice and you don’t get to have a say in that.

No but she gets to tell her daughter her honest opinion. What else are mums for? I would tell her it will all end in tears, to walk away now, if she decides not to then you will tolerate him but you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself if he does something similar in 5 years and you could’ve said something earlier.

I wonder whether he did lose it all on online betting, or whether that’s an easy excuse to cover up the possibility that he didn’t save the money in the first place. Or rather saved only a fraction of it and tried to double it or whatever using online betting. Unfortunately younger women usually think that they can help, sort out and fix people like this. An older woman would not tolerate that sort of shit - knowing that this indicates the man hasn’t got his shit together and needs booting. It sounds like she is going to find out the hard way. He is unlikely to appreciate her understanding, he is more likely to take it as a green light to behave irresponsibly knowing that his girlfriend is a pseudo mummy to him. He can shit the bed and she’ll understand and fix it.

I think the problem with your stance is that whilst you feel you are judging HIM, your daughter will feel that you are judging her and that you do not trust her to make sound decisions.

This will push her away.

You seem to be convinced that them splitting up is the correct course of action...but that surely could actually put her further away from happiness.

You can't predict the future. What was your relationship with him like before this came to light?

No, I disagree. If he does something similar 5 years down the line she will be wondering why on Earth her own mother didn’t advise her to dump him the first time, instead just doing the ‘it’s your decision’ fluffy stuff. I find it odd that on MN honest advice (even if from parents or close friends) is seen as ‘interfering’ and the only course of action can be standing by with tissues as you watch them lurch from one disaster to the next. I’m honest with my friends and family, if they don’t take my advice it doesn’t change much between us but I do it because I care. Equally I try to listen to others who care about me.

Exact same thing happened to my friend.
She forgave him, they got married, bought a house, had a child. He fucked off to work one day and never came back. Once a dick always a dick!
He's back in his daughters life and my friend is happily married to a good bloke so all OK in the long run but it was hell.

You have to stay completely away from her decision about the relationship. You can offer advice and support in a calm and measured way, eg where he can get help, keeping her finances separate and not having any joint commitments. She will be more likely to listen to you if you don't go after him as a person and appear to be judging her for staying with him.

A huge red flag..
I feel for you, but this is her decision to make unfortunately you can advise her lovingly but it's got to be down to them at the end of the day..

Let her know your opinion and make it clear she always has a home and support in you, then draw a line under it.

Whether that means nc with her bf for you or not is for you but don't push her away because of it. She needs you more now than before even if she doesn't realise it yet.

If he does want to get help then he can join gamblers anonymous and seek help from his GP etc.

Sadly, addiction may get the better of him but it’s not your place to be bitter against him and your daughter needs support else she will choose him over you.

I completely understand your reaction, but remember it’s an emotional reaction and they are your emotions, not hers. Say nothing more and take a step back while the fallout is processed by all of you.

But don’t even consider making a financial contribution to save the deal. It was a pipe dream.

I'd suggest she has some counselling to work out her reasons for staying with an addict. Is it that she loves him? Or does she have low self esteem and feels she will never do any better?

I’m really sorry this has happened to your daughter. It’s unfortunate that she’s not able to disentangle herself at this point, but there’s nothing you can do about it and, as PPs have said, the more you push her the less likely it is that she will trust you to be on her team (I know it’s not fair, but it’s true). If your priority is to be there for her you need to find a way to accept the relationship and him. And to be a supportive ally to her, not judgemental.

it will be really difficult but try to separate his actions and addiction from him - condem the behaviour, not the person.

you might find it useful to look at resources for addicts and their families yourself, to hear other people’s stories. And looking at resources for those helping abused women may also add valuable insight in terms of how toxic relationships can impact people. There’s a good book by Susan Brewster on this called To Be An Anchor In The Storm, but it’s difficult to get hold of.

if she stands to inherit any money/assets from you or any family members in future you might consider putting it in trust, just in case. Suggest now she has this deposit aside that she gets financial advice on how best it can be kept back for the next time they are able to try, as she’s done so well to save etc.

just keep lines of communication and try to listen without judgement above all else. Accessing resources will help you do that.

good luck!

@user1474905027 and to you I'd suggest that sadly none of this is any of your business. You can give an opinion but that's all. And if you keep on and on, you'll lose your daughter

It will become about OP though.

And her DH, & DD's b/f's parents, & anyone closely connected with the couple.
The repercussions of gambling play out through family relationships as more & more strain is put on the primary relationship (DD), rent money is pissed away, cash is stolen, joint accounts drained, right up to forging signatures on loan documentation, or fraudulently borrowing money against property/assets they don't even own.

A couple of PP's have talked about how their relative or partner gambled, but overcame the problem & are now happily cohabiting in LTR's. I am happy that it worked out for them - BUT THIS IS NOT THE NORM. I hope you are able to gently signpost DD to GamAnon so she can read some survivor stories from partners & fully appreciate the severity of mess, anxiety & unhappiness she could be welcoming into her life, & understand what the ramifications are for the future.

At the moment, I imagine she is viewing this 'loss' of the deposit money as a one-off mistake, which she can 'cure' with love.
It is far more likely to be an escalating pattern of behaviour, which will seriously damage her own financial prospects & future security.
It is understandable that she's selling herself the idea that she can fix this mess with love - it's a reaction to what must be near-crippling disappointment. But she's unaware of how bad things could get FOR HER, hence she needs more information.

Hang on in there OP, so that you can be that source of information by directing her to GamAnon. Tell her you will be supportive, but will be following GamAnon advice, & hope that she also engages with it.
I think the best advice you've had is from the PP who said to make it very clear that you love DD & will respect her decisions, but have fears for her future wellbeing if she continues with the relationship. Talk to her about GamAnon & encourage her to explore the site, especially for stories which resemble hers, so that she can see for herself what other young women have been through.

Ugh this happened to me. My partner spent £10,000 his dad had given him towards the deposit on our house, I found out on the day we were supposed to sign for it.
15 years later he's still a gambling addict 😑 I didn't listen to anyone either though, really wish I had.

At the same time ensuring that she can't get her hands on your money unless they've been together for a considerable amount of time and he's shown himself to be changed. Make any will changes if necessary as soon as possible,