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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

310 replies

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:22

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

OP posts:
StarsSand · 18/01/2023 12:24

Obviously you're not being unreasonable. You know that.

Your husband sounds ridiculous.

Nevermind31 · 18/01/2023 12:26

Tomorrow, around 11.30, go into his office and asks what is for lunch? Are any yogurts left? Do you have couscous? What is for your lunch?
continue to do this for a couple of days…

ImBlueDab · 18/01/2023 12:27

Of course you're not being unreasonable, your dh ain't a child and can make his own lunch

Emmamoo89 · 18/01/2023 12:28

YADNBU he's acting like a man child and should be able to make his own lunch x

Headabovetheparakeet · 18/01/2023 12:28

Do you normally make it for him? If so, just stop.

Emmamoo89 · 18/01/2023 12:28

You're not his mother. X

Glittertwins · 18/01/2023 12:29

Do you have the option of going to an office for a couple of days? I assume he was able to feed himself before

Binfluencer · 18/01/2023 12:30

Nevermind31 · 18/01/2023 12:26

Tomorrow, around 11.30, go into his office and asks what is for lunch? Are any yogurts left? Do you have couscous? What is for your lunch?
continue to do this for a couple of days…

Yes, this is the solution

AluckyEllie · 18/01/2023 12:31

Do what @Nevermind31 says, I’ve done similar to my husband in a different situation and he took the lesson very well 😂 Now he does it sometimes as a joke. If he gets mardy tell him to grow up, how annoying.

SmileWithADimple · 18/01/2023 12:31

Just keep saying "I don't know" to every single question. Surely he'll get the message eventually.

SeaToSki · 18/01/2023 12:32

In the morning, before you both get out of bed, ask him what he is planning to eat for his lunch…train him to think of it ahead of time so to speak. Then move your desk out of the kitchen area (if possible) so he cant see you when he comes down for lunch. If you cant do that then put on huge noise cancelling headphones at 11.30 so you cant hear him fuss.

Original poster
Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:32

I feel like I am not unreasonable, but his reaction makes me second guess myself! I also find that when he does cook he tries to involve me in it somehow, and asks so many questions. I had to remind him we have some gammon steaks in the fridge and he is now asking me how long to cook them for. I dunno, how long does it say on the packet? 🙄

OP posts:
Blueberrypeapod · 18/01/2023 12:33

Of course YANBU. However, I’m more like your DH in that I’m completely disorganised with meals and I never know what we have in the fridge. The main difference is I don’t take issue with my DH (who does all cooking and deals with all food matters) and will scrummage around the cupboards looking pathetic until he takes pity on me🙂. BUT I don’t expect DH to stop anything he’s doing to feed me.
i will every so often buy lots of tinned soups, beans and things I can shove in the microwave.
Love the use of mardy- haven’t heard that for ages.

SBHon · 18/01/2023 12:34

There’s no need for any passive aggressive games, talk to him.

Wait til things are calmer, ask him if he has a minute and then say “we need to talk about this lunch issue”. Say it calmly and without an attitude.

If, after you’ve had a proper chat and made it clear you’re not his mum and not responsible for planning for, buying and preparing his lunch he’s still a dick… then you have bigger problems.

WeepingSomnambulist · 18/01/2023 12:34

Have you talked to him about this outside of lunch time when you're both working and stressed?

Like, in the evening, have you ever said, "Just to be clear, we might both be working from home but er are working. Sorting your lunch is not my responsibility. I dont ask you for lunch, I dont expect you to sort it for me. So stop coming to me and asking what is for lunch. It is your responsibility and if we don't want to fall out then you need to stop putting all your tasks onto me."

What did he say when you talking to him about it?

inappropriateraspberry · 18/01/2023 12:35

My husband does this. I just tell him I don't know and to look. Why can't he just make a sandwich like most people do?

PeekAtYou · 18/01/2023 12:35

I have a 16yo son who has only just been trained to look into the fridge before asking questions about what might be in it for his lunch. Drove me nuts.

One of his common gripes is we have no good yet when I ask him if there's something to add to my grocery order then he can barely think of anything different.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2023 12:37

Is your workspace in the kitchen? If not I'd just shut the door and leave him to it.

Original poster
Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:40

WeepingSomnambulist · 18/01/2023 12:34

Have you talked to him about this outside of lunch time when you're both working and stressed?

Like, in the evening, have you ever said, "Just to be clear, we might both be working from home but er are working. Sorting your lunch is not my responsibility. I dont ask you for lunch, I dont expect you to sort it for me. So stop coming to me and asking what is for lunch. It is your responsibility and if we don't want to fall out then you need to stop putting all your tasks onto me."

What did he say when you talking to him about it?

He acts like I am attacking him and gets defensive pretty quickly even when I try to soften the message.

He has admitted in the past that he finds deciding on his lunch overwhelming for some reason. My solution to that was to suggest soups and sandwiches and picky things but he doesn't fancy that. He wants a hot meal at lunch, whilst I'm happy with a packet of crisps at 2pm and a banana or something.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 18/01/2023 12:44

Definitely move your office upstairs if at all possible.

As another poster, my DH does all the cooking and food shopping.

If he offers to make lunch, great. If not I'll heat a tin of soup or something.

I would NEVER expect, or ask what's available.

SBHon · 18/01/2023 12:45

He has admitted in the past that he finds deciding on his lunch overwhelming for some reason. My solution to that was to suggest soups and sandwiches
He’s looking to you to fix things. And you are. You’re literally suggesting solutions that he could take some time to come up with himself.

Make it clear (again) that you’re not his lunch staff.

honeylulu · 18/01/2023 12:47

Just say "I don't know. I'm not having lunch". Pleasant voice, repeat as many times as necessary. Overwhelming my arse! Lazy bastard more like.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 18/01/2023 12:48

How long have you been married?
At some point did you make his lunch for him on a regular basis?
If this had never happened and he'd always fended for himself then he wouldn't ask

PinkSyCo · 18/01/2023 12:49

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:40

He acts like I am attacking him and gets defensive pretty quickly even when I try to soften the message.

He has admitted in the past that he finds deciding on his lunch overwhelming for some reason. My solution to that was to suggest soups and sandwiches and picky things but he doesn't fancy that. He wants a hot meal at lunch, whilst I'm happy with a packet of crisps at 2pm and a banana or something.

Show quote history

Oh so he finds deciding what he wants for lunch overwhelming does he? But he does know that it has to be hot.Hmm Bloody hell my kids were helping themselves ti their own lunch by the time they left primary. Your DH sounds needy, selfish and ridiculous quite frankly. Ugh.

CuntyChopss · 18/01/2023 12:51

DP will take in leftovers if they’re left. He will make w sandwich if not. If there’s nothing in he will get something on the way to work. He is ND and also finds food and cooking etc overwhelming but he cracks on becauses and adult. This is nothing more than your ‘D’H thinking feeding him is your job alone because you’re the woman. Fucking grim. I hope your vagina goes on strike until he bucks his ideas up.