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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

310 replies

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:22

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 18/01/2023 13:43

I’m getting the rage on your behalf. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I think you should refuse to have anything to do with his lunch at all so then he knows where he stands.

If you sometimes make him lunch it means that when you don’t it throws him off. If you never make him anything, he’ll get the hint eventually, I hope.

SalviaOfficinalis · 18/01/2023 13:44

And yes to swapping offices.

Original poster
Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 13:44

Unfortunately it's not practical to swap offices, as he works in tech and has a massive computer setup with multiple monitors and needs the office for it (and I don't want it in the lounge!) He will still talk to me if I have headphones in and it sets me right off when he does it. I don't know how much is sexism and how much of it is that he needs to think out loud and I'm here as a target for it!

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 18/01/2023 13:45

When my Dh first retired, he seemed to think we’d be having cosy lunches together everyday. He also assumed I’d be making this. As I already cooked the dinner for us every evening, surprise, I didn’t want to have to do lunch as well.

Like you, I don’t always eat lunch, or if I do I have it mid to late afternoon.

because I do all the food shopping, I buy in lots of canned soup or tinned spaghetti, macaroni cheese.

Hes stopped asking eventually.

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 13:46

if he isn’t getting hints then you need to get blunt and increasingly blunter until he gets the fucking message.

BaconMassive · 18/01/2023 13:46

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 13:43

And it’s her job to do this because …….

Show quote history

job to do what? Say the word "soup"?

MenaiMna · 18/01/2023 13:46

WeepingSomnambulist · 18/01/2023 13:12

He doesnt just want a hot meal. He wants you to cook him a hot meal. Because, in the end, that's your role. In his head, you're job boils down to looking after him. You're at home so he expects you to do it. Never mind you have a job; that just isn't as important.

He might no actually be thinking that on a conscious level but so many men still have the built in misogyny and it just comes out. Your job is to cook for him.

He manages to work. I bet he manages to sort things with his mates or his hobbies or whatever. But cooking... that's on you. Because you're a woman.

I'd be coming down on him hard about this. It isnt acceptable.

This is the most likely truth of the situation
YANBU
He wants hot meals he can get to the shops on his own or into the online shop to add five small microwave meals from his work lunch budget. (And I know they're not the healthiest choice but if he was in an office going to a cafe for a hot meal he probably wouldn't make a healthy choice there either).

Brefugee · 18/01/2023 13:47

He will still talk to me if I have headphones in and it sets me right off when he does it.

scream at him. When he does it just scream. And then go into his room at random intervals and bother him. Inane shit.

Can you possibly work anywhere else in the house? I worked in my bedroom for a while while we had some work done on the house. Not ideal but not completely bad.

mumofone2019 · 18/01/2023 13:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 13:48

BaconMassive · 18/01/2023 13:46

job to do what? Say the word "soup"?

Show quote history

Buy the soup, engage in conversation with a grown adult about the soup that’s in the cupboard when he can open said cupboard and look himself. Interrupt her important work for inane conversation.

every fucking day.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 18/01/2023 13:48

Is he involved in food shopping? If so, get him to write his own lunches out for the week and stick them on the fridge and add ingredients to the shopping list.
Then when he asks, say "I don't know. Check your list" on repeat until he figures it out. Answer every follow up question with "I don't know."
At this stage I wouldn't even discuss lunch options with him, just keep repeating that you don't know.
What did he do before you were both wfh together?

Pre-Covid, DH used to call me on his drive home from work (I was driving home too) and his first question was always "what's for tea" or "do we have any X left." Didn't take long for my consistent responses of "I don't know, what is for tea?" and "I'm not sure,
Do we have any X left?" for him to stop asking.

If he keeps going, you will end up going nuclear about mental load and how selfish he's being - much better to stop it before it gets to that!

Patineur · 18/01/2023 13:49

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 13:24

I'm set up in the lounge and he is in the spare room upstairs. He comes down numerous times a day and starts talking at me before he's even reached the bottom stair, with no concern that he is interrupting me. He talks about his work so much I feel like I work there too! He'll come into the lounge and just stare out the back window until I ask him what he needs, or he will play with the dog for a few minutes and then go back to his office. It really winds me up! Tbh I'm sure he has ADHD but he isn't diagnosed.

Can you shut the door and put a massive Do Not Disturb sign on it? Keep telling him that you're in Zoom meetings most of the time?

Justcallmebebes · 18/01/2023 13:50

Nevermind31 · 18/01/2023 12:26

Tomorrow, around 11.30, go into his office and asks what is for lunch? Are any yogurts left? Do you have couscous? What is for your lunch?
continue to do this for a couple of days…

Ha ha ^This

Myrighteyeball · 18/01/2023 13:50

I had this issue with my husband for years and it got worse when we were both wfh due to covid. I started saying "I don't know" and "I'll leave that with you" a lot (maybe 30 times a day). It worked, eventually. But then I don't think I love him any more in part because of this bullshit. How fucking dare he passively agressively demand cooked meals using my labour and often interrupt my work because he is bored or needy. Just no.

DismantledKing · 18/01/2023 13:50

Yet another useless husband.

Celinia · 18/01/2023 13:51

I think we must know the same fella 🙄🙁 “Leave me alone, I’m working/busy/doing something important” is the only suggestion I have. If he gets stroppy, ignore him.

TheOrigRights · 18/01/2023 13:51

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 13:24

I'm set up in the lounge and he is in the spare room upstairs. He comes down numerous times a day and starts talking at me before he's even reached the bottom stair, with no concern that he is interrupting me. He talks about his work so much I feel like I work there too! He'll come into the lounge and just stare out the back window until I ask him what he needs, or he will play with the dog for a few minutes and then go back to his office. It really winds me up! Tbh I'm sure he has ADHD but he isn't diagnosed.

I bet he doesn't do that when he's working in an office with people who are not married to him.

BaconMassive · 18/01/2023 13:51

bonzaitree · 18/01/2023 13:48

Buy the soup, engage in conversation with a grown adult about the soup that’s in the cupboard when he can open said cupboard and look himself. Interrupt her important work for inane conversation.

every fucking day.

Show quote history

Why does she have to buy the soup? Anyone could buy the soup.

Then there is a clear line that soup is for lunch, in the same way that cereal might be for breakfast.

Thomasina79 · 18/01/2023 13:52

This would drive me nuts! Of course he should make his own lunch, and as for only wanting a cooked lunch, well…. Most people just have a sandwich don’t they?

as others have said, you are not his mum! And on that note, when My son was a teenager and when he came back home for a while in his 20s he would never have expected me to do his lunch! (Whether there would have been anything left in the fridge afterwards is another matter, bless him)

wildlifeobserver1 · 18/01/2023 13:52

Do the same back to him. Ask him
all these questions every day and demand an answer

Original poster
Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 13:52

TheOrigRights · 18/01/2023 13:51

I bet he doesn't do that when he's working in an office with people who are not married to him.

Show quote history

TBH I think he does, he's a very chatty guy! He gets away with it because he's charming but my god, I would like silence sometimes.

OP posts:
RachelGreeneGreep · 18/01/2023 13:55

Too many Men seem to mistake their other half for a replacement parent and need to be reminded they are adults too.

Exactly.
Plus the default position that the woman is the manager in the house and the man 'helps' - or doesn't as in many cases, on Mumsnet.

Mirabai · 18/01/2023 13:55

If he wants a hot lunch (and you just a have cold snack) it’s his responsibility to meal plan and prep for them. It’s not just a question of coming downstairs and saying “what’s for lunch mum”.

I WFH and personally I have cold lunch items in the fridge at all times as well as soup to assemble a quick meal from - eg: cheese, cold meat, hummus, tarama, lettuce, cucumber, avocados, bread. I also eat up stuff cold from previous days. I then have a hot meal in the evening (if I can be bothered).

When you’re working you want to be able to throw something together quickly.

Stressybetty · 18/01/2023 13:57

Agree on discussing meals including his lunches for the week when doing the food shop. He really needs to manage day to day himself though it's ridiculous. DH used to barge in on me WFH already talking. I put a stop to it by closing my door when I didn't want to be disturbed and training him not to come in if it was closed. I still had him stomping partway down the hall, stopping, turning round and stomping off. Do you have a hot meal at night as well together or does he have something cold then if he's insisting on hot lunches?

GracieLouFreeebush · 18/01/2023 13:57

I would prepare him a really childish lunch of quartered grapes and sandwiches with no crust cut into a star shape and present it with a bib. If he is going to act like an infant he can eat like an infant.