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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to sort his own lunch?

310 replies

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 12:22

This is a recurring issue that I'm finding very tiresome. We both WFH, and every day come lunchtime DH appears downstairs and asks what we have for lunch. I take ADHD meds that suppress my appetite so I tend to skip lunch and pick at something later in the afternoon, and frankly rustling up his lunch is not on my radar whilst I'm sat at my laptop in the middle of something.

He gets very mardy and flustered if it's not immediately obvious what is available to eat, and seems unable to look in the fridge and assess what ingredients we have and come up with a plan. I had batched cooked a chilli at the weekend, and we finished it off yesterday. He's just appeared and asked in rapid succession, before even looking in the fridge, whilst I was in the middle of something (he interrupts me with impunity):

"What do we have for lunch?"
"Did we eat the last of the chilli?"
"There are no leftovers in the fridge then?"
"Do we have any bread?"

At this point I grew exasperated and snapped that yes, as I already said we ate all the chilli. Then I asked why I am the only one who is expected to keep track of the kitchen inventory at all times and plan out his lunch for him, and he huffed off up to his office as though I'm highly unreasonable.

I'm just tired of having to plan meals for an adult man as though he's a toddler. He gets in a mood with me if I show any frustration with this and it leads to an atmosphere, making me feel like I just need to make his food to keep the peace. AIBU?

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 19/01/2023 09:34

Who does laundry in your house? Because I agree with other posters - newly married, no DC, it's very easy to fall into patterns and genuinely think all is fine but it's actually not. Do you do the laundry? Does he expect you to match his socks, iron his shirts, fold his underpants? Does he complain if it's not done on time? Does he ask you were his shirts are?

I bet he does.

Puppers · 19/01/2023 09:37

This is irritating me just reading about it.

Have you tried very clearly explaining to him that this behaviour is the least attractive thing in the world and that it's the direct opposite of sexy to be married to a man who casts you in the role of "mummy"? I just can't imagine making passionate love to a man who mere hours earlier was asking me to make his lunch because he is not capable of taking basic care of himself and then sulking when I said I was busy 🤢

SBHon · 19/01/2023 12:16

How’s lunch time going today @Glasshopper?

LittleRedYarny · 19/01/2023 14:32

As a fellow ADHDer I feel for you on many levels. The not wanting to faff about making food when not hungry yourself, the feeling of second guessing yourself, the being disturbed when you’re mid flow and knowing that it’s going to beastly getting back into the flow and the added burden on your likely already overloaded and knackered executive function!

I don’t really know what to suggest to help
you make him understand this unfair burden he’s putting on you. I wish I had a way of having NT people experience the unfair burden they put on me when they do thing like this or answer a question with a question… it makes me want to scream!

Out of curiosity is your partner ND or NT or do you suspect they might be ND? I admit if they were ND I might be a tad more sympathetic to the stress of deciding what to have.

Fighting fire with fire by asking him what’s for lunch etc might be fun for a bit but if you have strong people pleasing traits you’ll probably end up feeling awful and getting no where except hurting yourself. I often find in cases where I can see I’m having a problem communicating with an NT, I book a session with an ADHD coach and talk it through to figure out a solution.

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 14:58

sorry cant read all of this....has someone suggested cooking all the things he doesnt like much, till he gets so fed up he does his own? If he is overweight,,,,even slightly, you could put him on a diet?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2023 15:13

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 14:58

sorry cant read all of this....has someone suggested cooking all the things he doesnt like much, till he gets so fed up he does his own? If he is overweight,,,,even slightly, you could put him on a diet?

If you'd read it, you'd see the OP doesn't cook herself lunch as she just has a cold snack.

NumberTheory · 19/01/2023 15:30

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 14:58

sorry cant read all of this....has someone suggested cooking all the things he doesnt like much, till he gets so fed up he does his own? If he is overweight,,,,even slightly, you could put him on a diet?

All of it? You haven’t even read the OP. She says in the very first paragraph that she tends to skip lunch.

Or are you honestly suggesting that OP should spend her time cooking just for her DH because he whines at her?

randomusername2020 · 19/01/2023 15:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 15:41

yes i did read that she doesnt cook herself lunch.....but frankly i'm not reading 12 whole pages of thread. And i'm not suggesting she cooks lunch specifically for him.....use your brains a little please. Let him eat lefovers from yesterday's evening meal, which was something he doesnt like much anyway.

NumberTheory · 19/01/2023 16:26

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 15:41

yes i did read that she doesnt cook herself lunch.....but frankly i'm not reading 12 whole pages of thread. And i'm not suggesting she cooks lunch specifically for him.....use your brains a little please. Let him eat lefovers from yesterday's evening meal, which was something he doesnt like much anyway.

So you ask if anyone has suggested cooking him things he doesn’t like. Then claim you aren’t suggesting she cooks lunch for him but that he should eat the leftovers from the day before. Even though that’s something that he asks the OP for and her being expected to track that and make sure it’s available is part of the issue also mentioned in the first post.

And you’re telling other people to use their brains a little?

deeperthanallroses · 19/01/2023 16:31

I’d have the ick big time. It’s not just cooking, it’s respect for your time. Can you go for a walk just before his lunch time every day?

pelargoniums · 19/01/2023 16:36

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 15:41

yes i did read that she doesnt cook herself lunch.....but frankly i'm not reading 12 whole pages of thread. And i'm not suggesting she cooks lunch specifically for him.....use your brains a little please. Let him eat lefovers from yesterday's evening meal, which was something he doesnt like much anyway.

If you’re not willing to read 12 pages, why not just scroll and move on?

SheilaFentiman · 19/01/2023 16:45

dreamingofsun · 19/01/2023 15:41

yes i did read that she doesnt cook herself lunch.....but frankly i'm not reading 12 whole pages of thread. And i'm not suggesting she cooks lunch specifically for him.....use your brains a little please. Let him eat lefovers from yesterday's evening meal, which was something he doesnt like much anyway.

If you hit “see all” next to the OP, you can see just those few posts.

HTH.

danblack87 · 19/01/2023 18:13

Tell him to 'grow up' ... do his own bloody lunch. I worked from home and sometimes my husband was not working for 2 or 3 weeks or so ... I would make lunch to begin with but then he would make his own sandwiches/or other and not bother to ask me if I wanted anything. That's fine. I drew the line when I went to make a cheese sandwich one day and the cheese in the fridge was mouldy. His response was ' yeah it been like that for about 3 days /// right?!!! Lazy bastard --- off you go ...!!!!! Don't be a doormat.

Maka21 · 19/01/2023 19:54

Do the food shop online together and run through hot lunch ideas that can easily be put together. Batch cook soup? Tell him that you simply don’t have the time to sort out his lunches and he will need to think ahead each week/morning and plan what he wants to have?

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 19/01/2023 21:06

SheilaFentiman · 19/01/2023 16:45

If you hit “see all” next to the OP, you can see just those few posts.

HTH.

Show quote history

You can't on the android app. HTH.

007DoubleOSeven · 20/01/2023 09:14

Tell him you find it a complete turn off that he acts like a spoiled child.

JJWT · 20/01/2023 11:22

Approaching cautiously with some well-meant thoughts...... Has he been diagnosed with autism? Might seem like an extreme response to the post but just a thought triggered by your quote of him saying he gets overwhelmed trying to decide what to have. Cannot take my child into a small shop to buy treats for exactly this reason. It takes forever and he's never happy with his choice, concerned that he might have preferred that other thing he picked up 20 times. Does he struggle to select from a menu in a restaurant and prefer to sit with no one behind him, eg the seat that backs onto the wall?

Mirabai · 20/01/2023 11:25

My armchair diagnosis, in my very experienced opinion, is CCWC: Can’t Cook Won’t Cook.

rogueone · 20/01/2023 11:59

autism? Is that a joke,,,,he cant be arsed making a choice about lunch and finding it overwhelming because he grew up with his mother doing it all for him. OP has said it is embarrassing when he goes to his parents as he is demanding of his mum. So I think he expects it - and feels he shouldn't have to think as it is someone else's role to do and not his.....this behaviour will get worse if OP has children

Fraaahnces · 20/01/2023 12:03

Fuck batch cooking! Time to do BITCH cooking!!! Want a hot meal? Here’s the address for the local soup kitchen/Mc Donald’s, Supermarket. Buh Bye.

MiniDinosaur · 20/01/2023 12:09

He wants you to feed him 3 hot meals a day, because his mum did? And accuses you of being ‘mean’ if you challenge his demands? Fuck that! My vagina is clamping shut at the thought of his whining manchild behaviour.

fancydressjess · 20/01/2023 12:10

Nevermind31 · 18/01/2023 12:26

Tomorrow, around 11.30, go into his office and asks what is for lunch? Are any yogurts left? Do you have couscous? What is for your lunch?
continue to do this for a couple of days…

So much THIS!!!

Swish1980 · 20/01/2023 16:54

Glasshopper · 18/01/2023 20:32

It's definitely not that serious! He's just annoying about food and tries his luck. No other signs of abuse at all.

Show quote history

OP, I'm not sure you can be so sure. I put up with this sort of behaviour for years and it ended up being sheer hell. It was his way or the highway. I didn't even realise until very late on that he was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive as well as using coercive control.

No one else knows your relationship but what you have posted is waving red flags to me, being a survivor of DA.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Interrupting you working is not on and behaving like a man child is a very co..on tactic. Please, please, please be careful and reflect on what people are trying to tell you.

Swish1980 · 20/01/2023 16:57

*common tactic